By Sir Hardly Anyone (with another robot cock up in item 15).
With the transfer fenêtre now 19 days old we are clearly moving into a new phase of transferationalisms, for with 80 players now tipped to be arriving at Arsenal and 19 leaving, we are by and large running out of players to talk about.
Thus the great morass of story inventors are once again re-iterating the old having failed to make up many more of the new – although there are a few. But, I am legally contracted to write about gibberish, so here we are once again, and yes I can actually start with a new story.
1: Adam Birchall
Adam Birchall is the new Lead Development Phase coach of Arsenal. Adam Birchall signed professional terms at Arsenal at in 2002 didn’t make the grade, and after a period with lower league clubs had to stop playing aged 30 due to injury. All told he played 348 games and scored 102 goals.
The Lead Development Phase coach usually oversees the work of 12 to 16 year olds.
2: Mauro Icardi
Now here we some positive inventions. “Arsenal’s hopes of signing of signing Mauro Icardi have received a boost as the Inter Milan forward’s new contract demands appear to be in excess of the club’s valuation of him.” Unfortunately the down side is that story was in the Daily Star, which today has a jellyfish fixation. As did Untold’s favourite magazine, New Scientist, this week.
But there is a bit of backup to the news, as “Mauro Icardi is set for talks with Arsenal at some point this week,” according to Sky Italia.
3: Higuain will cost Arsenal £79m
Yep prices are going up daily. The story is that this is the minimum release clause. But the English press have also discovered stories from February this year in which Napoli president Aurelio De Laurentiis was reported in La Gazzetta dello Sport saying, “We cannot depend solely on one player and we cannot demand more from Higuaín but it’s true that when someone puts on one and a half kilos too much, it’s like running with a block of concrete.”
So Arsenal are going to sign a block of concrete. No change there. The story comes from Radio Kiss Kiss apparently. “He will almost certainly join Arsenal. For now the Gunners are offering €50m plus Giroud,” said a spokes entity.
4: Laurent Koscielny to Munich is old news, but at least it changes. At first it was that Arsenal had forgotten to negotiate a new contract and Kos only had one year left to run. Then that was said to be nonsense. Now in Version Three we have “after contract talks with the defender over a £90,000 a week deal stalled,” he’s off. Does anyone know what actually happens “when contract talks stall”? My car stalls when I stop, but then when I press the go pedal it goes again. Is that the same?
5: Olivier Giroud’s agent insists “we never talked to Napoli”.
“Everything I’ve read about Giroud is not true,” Michael Manuello told Tuttomercatoweb. “Personally, all I’ve said is that if Arsenal want to sell him then we’ll see. But at the moment he’s an Arsenal player, and we haven’t for a moment considered another project. I want to stress that. I don’t know where this story has come from, we never talked to Napoli and there’s no other person above me who could do that. We need to clarify that.”
Well old bean I can tell you where the story came from. A public house just outside the offices of one of the nation’s leading daily newspapers.
6: Philipp Ochs is being “tracked”.
And come to that what does “tracked” actually mean. Arsenal has a whole company that employs vast numbers of people to look at and analyse the performance of thousands of players every week. So the club tracks thousands. Is Mr Ochs one of them?
He is an under 19 midfielder and Bild has come up with the tracking stuff. Ochs played in the summer European Championships and scored a hat-trick in his side’s 4-2 defeat to Portugal. He is contracted to Hoffenheim until 2019 and played for them 12 times last season.
7: Rob Holding signed, or has Arsenal hot on his heels.
Well he was supposed to be signed last time around, but apparently not yet but could be any day. Bolton (that’s the bunch we used to call Notlob in memory of Monty Python, when they (Notlob not Monty) were in the first division. “Arsene Wenger is believed to be preparing a £2.5 million offer for the 20-year-old at some point this week.” Elsewhere the figure is £750,000. Elsewhere again his purchase will be announced today.
8: Alexandre Lacazette is still in the news
Apparently the bid has gone up, and now the press have got the players age sorted he can be referred to everywhere as the “25-year-old” goal scorer. €50m is the price – which is about £90 billion in English money (the pound fell over and injured itself last night apparently).
9: Wolfsburg say Draxler not going.
This really is no surprise as he has never played for Arsenal and is now over 21. Fluminense on four-year deal is the apparent destination which is where he started out from. He has played for Levante, Alcoyano, Ponferradina, Murcia, Almeria and Bolton during his loan travels. The story appears as a “DONE DEAL” tale on some of the bloggettas.
15: There’s revolution in the air
Fans begin to worry about lack of summer signings pronounces the Telegraph, as usual missing out the words “a few” at the start of the sentence. Or maybe “we don’t know how many but there might be some according to Twatter. The Buckingham Palace Road outfit (to use football vernacular) also announce that “Following reports that Joel Campbell was set to leave Arsenal on loan, the Costa-Rica international has reportedly told Arsene Wenger that he wants to stay and fight for his place.”
Actually there is a delightful misprint in the piece, which is in the normal daily knocking copy from the Bucking… oh no sorry I’ve done that one.
With Granit Xhaka being the only summer signing at the Emirates so far, former goalkeeper Arsene Wenger has called for Arsene Wenger to bring some more new faces to the club before the end of the window.
Don’t you just love these robots?
- “Is it time for Arsenal fans to start worrying?” You can imagine the rest.
- “Confirmed: Attacker leaves Arsenal after six years at the club”.
- “Star passes Arsenal medical, deal close.”
- “3rd Chelsea Signing? Conte Gets Boost In Chase For £29m-Rated Arsenal Target”. Turan is off to Chelsea not Arsenal.
- “Arsenal Transfer News: £45m winger battle, defender deal close, agent on Giroud exit talk.” Nothing about nothing from the Daily Star. The winger is Sterling. The “defender deal” is interesting, because there is no mention of that in the story. The only thing there is, is a note elsewhere which says “Denayer of Manchester City and Ginter of Borussia Dortmund have been of interest of the Gunners boss in the past, state The Sun.” The robots are here once more.
- “Arsenal interested in Bundesliga hat-trick hero.” That takes us b
- When football clubs create problems of their own making… and then won’t ever back down.
- Football is starting to kick off again: the pre-preview of the opening friendly in France.
- We’re going to make Arsenal great again as now even the journalists are replaced
On the Arsenal History site
- Arsenal’s new tactics explored in detail and what it means for the season ahead
- How the Premier League referees are biased: an analysis
- Barcelona’s attempt to fool the financial regulator unravels
- Arsenal desperate for more players (according to reports)
- Media completely misses Arsenal’s astounding tactical change