Third signing to be announced, and why you shouldn’t get too excited by the “deal close” headlines

By Sir Hardly Anyone (with another robot cock up in item 15).

Latest Arsenal Odds

With the transfer fenêtre now 19 days old we are clearly moving into a new phase of transferationalisms, for with 80 players now tipped to be arriving at Arsenal and 19 leaving, we are by and large running out of players to talk about.

Thus the great morass of story inventors are once again re-iterating the old having failed to make up many more of the new – although there are a few.  But, I am legally contracted to write about gibberish, so here we are once again, and yes I can actually start with a new story.

1: Adam Birchall

Adam Birchall is the new Lead Development Phase coach of Arsenal.  Adam Birchall signed professional terms at Arsenal at in 2002 didn’t make the grade, and after a period with lower league clubs had to stop playing aged 30 due to injury.  All told he played 348 games and scored 102 goals.

The Lead Development Phase coach usually oversees the work of 12 to 16 year olds.

2:  Mauro Icardi

Now here we some positive inventions.  “Arsenal’s hopes of signing of signing Mauro Icardi have received a boost as the Inter Milan forward’s new contract demands appear to be in excess of the club’s valuation of him.”   Unfortunately the down side is that story was in the Daily Star, which today has a jellyfish fixation.  As did Untold’s favourite magazine, New Scientist, this week.

But there is a bit of backup to the news, as “Mauro Icardi is set for talks with Arsenal at some point this week,” according to Sky Italia.

3:  Higuain will cost Arsenal £79m

Yep prices are going up daily.  The story is that this is the minimum release clause.  But the English press have also discovered stories from February this year in which Napoli president Aurelio De Laurentiis was reported in La Gazzetta dello Sport saying, “We cannot depend solely on one player and we cannot demand more from Higuaín but it’s true that when someone puts on one and a half kilos too much, it’s like running with a block of concrete.”

So Arsenal are going to sign a block of concrete.  No change there.  The story comes from Radio Kiss Kiss apparently.  “He will almost certainly join Arsenal. For now the Gunners are offering €50m plus Giroud,” said a spokes entity.

4:  Laurent Koscielny to Munich is old news, but at least it changes.  At first it was that Arsenal had forgotten to negotiate a new contract and Kos only had one year left to run.  Then that was said to be nonsense.  Now in Version Three we have “after contract talks with the defender over a £90,000 a week deal stalled,” he’s off.   Does anyone know what actually happens “when contract talks stall”?  My car stalls when I stop, but then when I press the go pedal it goes again.  Is that the same?

5:  Olivier Giroud’s agent insists “we never talked to Napoli”.

“Everything I’ve read about Giroud is not true,” Michael Manuello told Tuttomercatoweb.   “Personally, all I’ve said is that if Arsenal want to sell him then we’ll see. But at the moment he’s an Arsenal player, and we haven’t for a moment considered another project. I want to stress that.   I don’t know where this story has come from, we never talked to Napoli and there’s no other person above me who could do that. We need to clarify that.”

Well old bean I can tell you where the story came from.  A public house just outside the offices of one of the nation’s leading daily newspapers.

6: Philipp Ochs is being “tracked”.

And come to that what does “tracked” actually mean.  Arsenal has a whole company that employs vast numbers of people to look at and analyse the performance of thousands of players every week.   So the club tracks thousands.  Is Mr Ochs one of them?

He is an under 19 midfielder and Bild has come up with the tracking stuff.  Ochs played in the summer European Championships and scored a hat-trick in his side’s 4-2 defeat to Portugal.  He is contracted to Hoffenheim until 2019 and played for them 12 times last season.

7: Rob Holding signed, or has Arsenal hot on his heels.

Well he was supposed to be signed last time around, but apparently not yet but could be any day.  Bolton (that’s the bunch we used to call Notlob in memory of Monty Python, when they (Notlob not Monty) were in the first division.  “Arsene Wenger is believed to be preparing a £2.5 million offer for the 20-year-old at some point this week.”  Elsewhere the figure is £750,000.  Elsewhere again his purchase will be announced today.

8:   Alexandre Lacazette is still in the news

Apparently the bid has gone up, and now the press have got the players age sorted he can be referred to everywhere as the “25-year-old” goal scorer.  €50m is the price – which is about £90 billion in English money (the pound fell over and injured itself last night apparently).

9:  Wolfsburg say Draxler not going.

11:  Arsenal fans have taken to Twatter in their numbers begging Arsene Wenger to make a move for Riyad Mahrez.

Can you imagine what the club would be like if the manager were influenced by people on Twatter.  And if you can and you think it would be an improvement, then you could always apply for the job as manager of a club.   Here’s one I spotted today…

Lead Football Coach

LK (Little Kickers)Brighton
Junior coach / manager experience would also be advantageous. You must have excellent verbal communication skills and be physically fit for this role,

Please do let Untold know if you apply and what happens.  I’ve left the link in so you don’t have to search.

12:  Hijacking Carlos Bacca

13:  Hector Bellerin mulling over Manchester City move

And so cue all the stories of Arsenal players who have gone to Man City: Kolo Toure, Emmanuel Adebayor, Gael Clichy, Bacary Sagna, Samir Nasri, and Niall Quinn.  This story comes from MundoDeportivo, which is based of course in… Barcelona.  Where else do you think the “we’re buying an Arsenal player whether they want to sell or not” stories come from.

14: Wellington Silva to leave.

This really is no surprise as he has never played for Arsenal and is now over 21.  Fluminense on four-year deal is the apparent destination which is where he started out from.  He has played for Levante, Alcoyano, Ponferradina, Murcia, Almeria and Bolton during his loan travels.  The story appears as a “DONE DEAL” tale on some of the bloggettas.

15:  There’s revolution in the air

Fans begin to worry about lack of summer signings pronounces the Telegraph, as usual missing out the words “a few” at the start of the sentence.  Or maybe “we don’t know how many but there might be some according to Twatter.   The Buckingham Palace Road outfit (to use football vernacular) also announce that “Following reports that Joel Campbell was set to leave Arsenal on loan, the Costa-Rica international has reportedly told Arsene Wenger that he wants to stay and fight for his place.”

Actually there is a delightful misprint in the piece, which is in the normal daily knocking copy from the Bucking… oh no sorry I’ve done that one.

With Granit Xhaka being the only summer signing at the Emirates so far, former goalkeeper Arsene Wenger has called for Arsene Wenger to bring some more new faces to the club before the end of the window.

Don’t you just love these robots?

16:  Play Alexis as a free ranging centre forward.
That is the latest twist going around.
17.   And as for the rest… here’s a smattering of half an hour from one of the accumulator sites (just so you can see what’s coming in.
  • “Is it time for Arsenal fans to start worrying?”   You can imagine the rest.
  • “Confirmed: Attacker leaves Arsenal after six years at the club”. That’s Wellington
  • “Star passes Arsenal medical, deal close.” That one is Holding
  • “3rd Chelsea Signing? Conte Gets Boost In Chase For £29m-Rated Arsenal Target”.  Turan is off to Chelsea not Arsenal.
  • “Arsenal Transfer News: £45m winger battle, defender deal close, agent on Giroud exit talk.”  Nothing about nothing from the Daily Star.  The winger is Sterling.  The “defender deal” is interesting, because there is no mention of that in the story.  The only thing there is, is a note elsewhere which says “Denayer of Manchester City and Ginter of Borussia Dortmund have been of interest of the Gunners boss in the past, state The Sun.”   The robots are here once more.
  • “Arsenal interested in Bundesliga hat-trick hero.”  That takes us back to Phil Ochs (see above) – who now I come to think of it was one of the great political folk singers of the early days of the movement to overthrow the old world, and who tragically took his own life very young.   I was only thinking of Paul Butterfield the blues guitarist the other day in relation to the work the office does on Untold Dylan – all those young superbly talented men just blown away.  Just Bob left. 

19 Replies to “Third signing to be announced, and why you shouldn’t get too excited by the “deal close” headlines”

  1. Number 16 was started by Thierry. This guy’s hubris is shocking; I used to not think much about the way he would display his obvious displeasure at a teammate’s failed/misplaced pass, and just dismiss it as passion, but now think there was more to it. I am starting to think in his mind he’s convinced he is actually better than Wenger. Not yet, Thierry, you still have a looong way to go before you can even be spoken of in the same breath.

  2. Off topic
    If anyone was in any doubt what a cut and paste job should look like, or plagiarism, they need watch/read Melania Trump’s speech at the RNC; copied word for word, sentence for sentence, from Michelle Obama’s in 2008. Now, that’s a cut and paste job to be proud of ?

  3. SHOOT
    My Bolton supporting friend informs me that he has been signed for £2 million plus add ons.

  4. excellent overview for all of us trying to find genuine news on our club.We are probably all getting expert at spotting the rhubarb jargon and identifying sources that may have a pinch of truth.I keep saying that I will not bother looking anymore but like the internet in general you keep opening the door to see if anyone is there.Whats happened to our second signing Takuma Asano.Turns out its one of those “in principle” deals.Lastly on a music note Paul Butterfield played blues”Harp”.I only know as i I have been trying to play the bleh blah thing like him and others for a very long time.

  5. The stupid boss –

    In a factory: A man is standing on the factory floor, Not doing any work and looking around aimlessly.

    The CEO of that factory came and asked his salary.

    Man replied” $5000 Sir !”

    The CEO took out his wallet and gave $ 15000 and told him “I pay people here to work and not to waste time. This is your 3 months salary. Now get out of here. Never come back.”

    The guy leaves…
    Then the CEO asks the workers, “Who was that guy? What does he do here ?”

    The Workers reply ” He’s the PIZZA delivery Boy, Sir.”

    MORAL: Know you stuff ( or staff !) DON’T’ OVERREACT IN EVERY SITUATION!!

  6. English – Chinese.

    1) That’s not right ………………….
    Sum Ting Wong

    2)Are you harbouring a fugitive?……….
    Hu Yu Hai Ding

    3)See me ASAP …………………….. Kum Hia Nao

    4) Small Horse ……………………… Tai Ni Po Ni

    5) Did you go to the beach?
    Wai Yu So Tan ?

    6) I think you need a face lift …………….
    Chin Tu Fat

    7) It’s very dark in here ……………………
    Wai So Dim

    8) I thought you were on a diet ………..
    Wai Yu Mun Ching?

    9) This is a tow away zone ………………

    No Pah King

    10) Our meeting is scheduled for next week …
    Wai Yu Kum Nao?

    11) Staying out of sight ……………………..
    Lei Ying Lo

    12) He’s cleaning his automobile ……..
    Wa Shing Ka

    13) Your body odour is offensive ……….

    Yu Stin Ki Pu

  7. I think the most likely to happen will be that of Rod Holding coming to Arsenal as soon as being expected to happen.

    At a towering 6ft 8inches, Holding will be almost a giant at the Arsenal CHB positions. And at 21 he’s young, not too young to manned one of the CHB positions for Arsenal I would imagined. If Arsenal signed Holding, then the 4th CB signing this window would have been dealt with, as the versatile Chambers is more of a backup for the CHB and the RB positions until he can hold down a starting spot for one of the two positions in the team. But notwithstanding his not been able to hold down a starting spot in the team yet, that shouldn’t lead to loaning him out this summer I would think.

    What will majorly remained now for the Boss to concludes his summer signing this window after he mighty have signed Rod Holding, is of course will be the signing of a marque striker. But certainty not one of those over hyped and overrated strikers at the market he would signed I suppose.

  8. Samuel

    Are you sure he’s 6ft 8″? Wikipedia list him as: 6ft.
    No announcement yet, but I hear he was at his medical yesterday.

  9. The pleasure some get from maligning one of our greatest players is astonishing. I assume this person was never privileged enough to actually see him play in person, otherwise he might have a more benign opinion.

  10. Dear Untold, I am VERY suprised at you allowing a post such as the one by Colario this morning … NOT accetable

  11. Ok, Mr fraud, I never had the privilege of seeing him play in person so that disqualifies me (as well as millions of gunners round the world) from criticising anything he ever does.

  12. Dear Untold , I was very greatly amused by the jokes of Colario and am writing to thank him and also yourselves for allowing humour to flourish on this site.
    How could any sane, normal and happy person ever dislike a good joke or two ?
    Oh dear , I think I ‘ve answered my own question ! !

  13. So for more levity , mirth , frivolity, flippancy, triviality, and feel good humour , here are a few jokes .

    Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back… Or that you could crawl into a hole?
    Here are the testimonials of a few people who did….


    I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
    And asked loudly, ‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’
    I turned around and walked back out and never went back
    My husband didn’t say a word…
    He knew better.


    I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
    I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
    He asked if he could help me.
    Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’

    My sister and I were at the mall and we passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
    As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
    I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’
    My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
    To this day, my sister has never let me forget it.


    While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
    I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
    and annoyance from other patrons.
    I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished.
    To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’
    The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
    Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
    I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
    The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


    This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
    and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she
    What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!
    We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed upto a couple of inches and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:
    ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’
    Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, as they were laughing so hard!

    Now, didn’t that really feel good? Did ya shit your pants laughing ?

  14. So, Little Kickers have a coaching job available. Apparently Mark Hughes is doing fine at the Big Kickers Stoke.

  15. Brickfields
    Please, never stop. You bring some sanity where it is sadly needed

    And Tony
    I hope you are still in the “naughty corner”

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