by The Brickfields Gunners
Having been a very devout reader of UA almost from its inception , I have observed the various characters that come on here to either share observations and/or contribute in a positive and informative way , or just come here in an attempt to ridicule us and dampened our spirits .
ie….. ‘Supporting the club , the players and the manager ‘, yet many still come here to denigrate our noble efforts .
As I have closely observed over the years , much have I learned much about ‘them’ and their ailments ans symptoms . Since their conditions may not fall within the purview of regularly established medical norms , diseases and conditions , I have endeavoured , in all sincerity to classify ‘them’ to the best of my ability and knowledge .
I have chosen mostly satirical and double entendre terminology , in keeping with my personal philosophy that , ‘ Medicine is the best laughter ‘ ! I was inspired by this brilliant piece that has been on the internet for a long time . Do check it out at – http://www.washingtonpostsmensainvitational.com/
There are a few that sounds very much like ‘them’ , for example ….
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
With that being said , and strictly observing my motto that , ‘ Medicine is the best laughter ! ‘ , and that ‘them’ types deserve to be always laughed at , and am being hopeful that by invoking number 8. ‘Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.’ , ……here go on and have some fun.
Do add on any conditions that you may have observed yourself . This of course applies only to the AKBs . ‘them’ opinions count nought here !
A COMPREHENSIVE MEDICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL CLASSIFICATION OF ‘them’
1. THE ANALTTENTIVE
Too much pressure and he could very well end up with Carnal Tunnel Complex .
2. THE DUDGER –
An empty vessel and a big fat zero . A firer of blanks . Of no redeemable value . Impotent .
3. THE CUNNINGLINGUIST –
The tongue in other’s cheeks type . A crack up !
Tends to seek approval , notice or favor by servile demeanor , especially from a Fibbrilator . Usually an inexperienced youth or simpleton who is looking to ride on the analttentive coattails of the fibbrilator , but invariably gets rear ended !
Like the Fawnicator , he too tends to bow before and bend the knee to the Fibbrillator , who he looks up to . Is able to enjoy and swallow all that the Fibbrillator spurts forth . And that ‘s often quite a mouthful , and leaves a bad after taste !
7. THE FUDGER –
He chooses to exaggerate extensively , dodges and evades direct questions and generally lies through his teeth .
8 . THE GOBBLEDEKOOK –
As the name clearly suggests , they are weird , strange , foolish or insane people whose language is characterised by circumlocution and jargon , as well as gibberish , bosh , double talk and great dollops of mumbo jumbo .
They often write in capitals , without proper grammar , nor punctuation or paragraphs . Their utterings often sound like a vaguely familiar foreign language . Or a truly bad Google translation !
9. THE HEMORRHOID –A true pain in the butt ! And often bloody crappy , too.
10. THE MIRTHSUCKER . –
He is a person who sucks out all the fun , joy and pleasure out of an Arsenal win or draw . A plunder of mirth and a pillager of enjoyment . A spoilsport and a killjoy. A truly miserable old sod .
Know to start off with a false or fallacious introductory statement , preface or introduction ; before proceeding to talk or write in a discursive, aimless way as an attempt to confuse or confound the simple minded. Especially referring to faulty or fake data and ‘stats’ .eg , ” AW does not conduct training or do tactics ,that is why ……”
or ” Arsenal fans all know that ……”
or “Piers Morgan has only Arsenal’s best interested at heart when he goes on a tirade against the club , the major shareholders , the manager and the players . His previous record speaks for itself …….”
12.THE RETRORICALIST –
No manner or undue use of exaggeration or hyperbole will ever efface certain unpleasant memories from us . Like being the manager of the Spuds , the treatment of certain players and the criticism of AW in the media .
13 .THE SCEPTISCHISMIST –
Tends to widen the simmering gap or schism between the true believers and the doubters . Rejoices in spreading a divergence in faith , opinions and belief . Drives a wedge of division or disunion between two or more parties or camps here. Attempts to spread a sundering breach in cordial relations .
Like the Sceptischismist above , he too derives great pleasure in fermenting a more wider and larger divisive chasm between the divide .
Brickfields, can any of the above tell the difference between echinacea and euthanasia?
Nice one Brickfields!!
I shall try to remember some of the terminology for future use! 🙂
Gord – that’s easy – one’s Chinese foresight, the other is Asian kids.
menace???
You might want to add the suppositorist and the occulitist:
The suppositorist is someone whose belief in Arsenal turns to shit and settles in his/her ass,
The Occulitist is someone whose optical nerve gets crossed with their rectal nerve and they end up with a shitty on life.
You might want to add the Arsesuppositorist and the Arseocculitist:
The Arsesuppositorist is someone whose belief and love of/for and in Arsenal turns to shit and settles in his/her ass,
The Arseocculitist is someone whose optical nerve gets crossed with their rectal nerve and they end up with a shitty outlook on all things Arsenal.
Sorry guys , did not know this article was up , so please accept my apologies on my lateness . I was really hoping that ‘them’ types would come on here and rant and display their symptoms , and the rest of us would try to diagnose their ailments . That most of ‘them’ are well and truly sick is well documented in these pages !
I’m sure that millions of ‘them’ must have tried to come on , but were probably blocked for their insulting tone and words or sent to moderation by Walter!
Open the gates , Walter ! Brace yourselves , guys !
Menace, that was wickedly funny , but not too surprisingly – correct !
OMG , apt and well diagnosed .
“The Dudger” sounds a lot like one of the descriptions listed in the Washington post article you so kindly linked to, “The Willy-Nilly: someone suffering from impotence……Lol great post Brickfield.
Lost in translation-
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nodded… “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.”
“No, from skipping.”
@ Jared – 10/02/2017 at 4:55 am -Thanks , glad you enjoyed it . Here’s another Willy -Nilly joke .
The Prognosis-
Whilst in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous but does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes up one morning to find his manhood covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US; we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. Looks like we’ll have to amputate your manhood.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his manhood and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my manhood!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
“Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way … No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two weeks … Fall off by itself!'”
There is a device in the market which converts your thoughts into speech .
It is called Alcohol.
There is another device which converts your speech into silence .
It is called WIFE .
Brave is the man who would disagree !
A Neurosurgeon’s view…
Black money- is like Glioblastoma multiforme… it regenerates quite rapidly!
Respect- is like Cranial surgery …once affected it leaves a scar!
Ego- is like cerebral edema …the more it swells; the more problems it causes!
Faith- is like dementia …it becomes denser with age!
Trust- is like spinal function ..once lost it is lost forever!…
Appreciation- is like Deep Brain Stimulation …needed for stability in a failing nervous system.
Friends- are like urinary bladders … They wake you up in the middle of night and they embarrass you when you are older.
With an audience of one. Yourself. Now that is funny.
A woman observed a man in the grocery store with a three year old boy. As they passed the cookie section, the little boy asked for cookies and his father told him no. The little boy immediately began to whine and fuss and the Father said quietly, “Now Patrick, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
Soon they came to the candy aisle, and the little boy began to shout for candy. And when told he couldn’t have any, began to cry. The father said, “There, there, Patrick, don’t lose it– only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”
When they got to the check-out stand, the little boy immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The Father patiently said, “Patrick, we’ll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The woman followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the man to compliment him. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Patrick,” she began. Whereupon the Father said, “I’m Patrick . . . my little boy’s name is Mathew.”
Are you always this funny?
World’s shortest jokes –
” Two women are sitting quietly .”
“‘them’ people think .”
” ‘them’ opinion counts .”
” ‘them’ are courteous .”
” ‘them’ is a term of endearment .”
” President Donald Trump .”
A Chinese man who had no wife, no child, no money, no house and a blind Mother prayed fervently to God and God was moved by his prayers and told him to make ONLY ONE request which will be granted to him.
Then the Chinese man prayed and said, “God, I want my Mother to see my wife putting diamond bangles on my daughter’s hand inside my car parked in front of my mansion.”
When God heard this prayer,
God said to himself, “I still have a lot to learn from the Chinese people.”
The wish –
A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “Why is your head so small?”
He replies, “I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, “Would a little head be out of the question?”
We’ll all drink together, in praise of The AFC, cos we’re all friends together, here at the AFC…