Tony, I have been mulling in my head, for quite sometime now, a fictitious sports story that could be a great book, a play or even a movie or mini series screenplay, Or all of them, It could either be a serious, sentimental and heart wrenching tale ; a lighthearted, feel good comedy or even a mystery thriller ,
Anyway, allow me to pitch it to you, and the regulars here on UA, to see if it is too far fetched, or bordering on the ridiculous or if it is entirely plausible, I would like the regulars here to interact and add on to the story or suggest changes and options, Add on new characters or move the plot in a different direction, Let it be a concerted UA effort, and with you being an accomplished author, are elected the editor in chief, and you have the last say,
This could be added to your already impressive collection of books in your stable, Indeed, I have always wanted to read in particular the non fiction book that is repeatedly mentioned on the Untold Arsenal Blog site called ‘The long sleep ‘, but have not yet got around to buying and reading it. Is it by any chance the biography of Rip Van Winkle ? Or is it the prequel to that fine 1973 non-fiction book by Oliver Sachs titled, ‘ Awakenings ‘?
Sorry, I digress too much, methinks, So, here is my basic story line and the myriad of colourful characters therein contained.
THE PLOT –
An unfancied team has just won a major trophy for the first time in its history, against great odds and in an unprecedented manner, with many of their players and the new manager also breaking a number of records along the way, It seemed that the whole world was enthralled by their great achievement, and did indeed rejoice with the team and town.
There was hardly a dry eye at the stadium on the final day as the trophy was presented, Many even broke down as the world famous plump and greying diva, an ex-love of the manager, sang her famous operatic piece,
While the majority seem to have loved this underdog coming on top fairy tale, many others have started to question certain inconsistencies and believe that the whole sum does not add up.
Was there really a conspiracy ? Was there collusion between the various involved parties, that had gained somewhat from this episode ? Especially since everything good had unravelled almost immediately the next season, The form of the team and the players have plummeted, and the team is once again in a relegation struggle, The manage has been sacked, and confusion reigns, The blame game starts, and the search for the truth begins,….from the beginning…….
THE TEAM –
– A sports team that has been yo-yoing up and down divisions since their inception without much success to their name. They are well liked and revered in their hometown. Their greatest triumph to date is regularly whopping the teams of the neighbouring towns.
They are however often forced to sell their best players to the top teams in order to survive. Some have also become prima donnas in the media. Their nickname denotes or refers to the local tenacious, cunning and fierce. feral animal, like the coyote, the dingo, the dhole, the hyena, the jackal, the wolverine or the snow leopard, depending of course on where it is set.
We wouldn’t want any clash, or similarity or inferences to be made to any established or existing teams that may have similar nicknames.
THE INCUMBENT MANAGER
A hard as nails ex-club player who brooked no shit either as a player or as a manager. Loved by the fans, especially as he has just saved the club from relegation and unmentionable financial disaster, after a spirited end of the season fightback from a seemingly impossible and untenable position.
Inspired his players to play above and beyond themselves by instilling belief in themselves and fighting hard, His loyalty to the club and his players remains unquestionable and unwavering, Vinny Jones would be a shoe in for this role.
His Achilles heel? His young, brash and uncouth son, who is a promising player at the same club.
THE OWNERS
An hereto unknown consortium of alleged nouveau riche venture capitalists from the Way Far Out Orient, with reported close links to that region’s despotic leaders, to the military as well as many of the various government quangos.
They had bought out the previous owners in a complicated and hostile takeover manoeuvre, but like many before them, have passed the stringent and detailed FA’s Fit and Proper Person’s Test.
Their brush with relegation and near impending financial loss, have shaken them to the core. After all, it was thought that just buying up the club and injecting it with funds would spell success. Like Chelsea and Man City before them. Any demotion would hinder the future free flow of funds.
Members have also large shareholdings in various local, regional as well as international companies that included The Holistic and Alternate Rejuvenator Medicine (HARM) Therapy; many Biochemical and Genetic R&Ds, Yuge Pharmaceuticals; The Regenerative Neuromuscular Research (RNR) Co, The Happy Ending Always and Vigour Restorative group of Resorts, Herbal and Exotic food supplements, additives and condiments used extensively locally but not yet approved by the FDA.
THE PATSY
Also known as the potential new manager. An old benign, honest, well-travelled and well liked foreigner. A grandfather like figure and the ‘Always the bridesmaid, and never the bride ‘ type, who has had some modest club success, but never ever the big one. Has been the butt of many a unkind joke, but has always carried himself with dignity.
For never having walked out of a job, or never have being difficult or showing any disrespect to club, players or the board, has always been regarded as being honourable and just.
TO BE CONTINUED,……
Editorial footnote
To the best of our knowledge there have only been two Arsenal novels to date: the “Arsenal Stadium Mystery”, a murder mystery written and set in the 1930s, and “Making the Arsenal” written in 2010 and set in 1910. Full details are here.
Me thinks u need to c a doctor.
I hoe there is no bad feelings Brickfields. I am sure many will like this article and will join in. If we didnt have the corruption that we have in football I might be able to respond with the humour you intend. It is a good piece but…..
BG….here’s a few dubious characters to add to this plotline:
The nefarious,secretive very restrictive and easily influenced BIGMOB criminal organization controlling the match officials with an iron fist and mafia-like code of silence, who will happily perform any tricks as needed by their overseers; the sweet FA retirement home for the elderly and senile stuffed suit prawn-eating old boy’s club.
The equally nefarious, incompetent and corruptible twins; EUFUC and FIFUC, whose sole raison d’etre is to amass personal fortunes for their governors by any means possible, on the backs of the membership, who they hold in total disregard and contempt.
very nice imaginative and detailed story, obviously fictional.
I’ve sacked the new manager already, and appointed Rike Miley with Dike Mean as his assistant.
I well recall “The Arsenal Stadium Mystery” a 1939 cinema showing and a de rigueur visit at least once by all schoolboy Arsenal fans.
In retrospect, the plot and acting were not of the best, although viewing our heroes made up for a lot. 😉
There would need also need to be added the private diaries of a most trustworthy coroner called into action whenever one of the elderly gentlemen from the administration was found, stiff to the world, eyes on the great beyond, the happiest ending of the Never Ending Happy Ending Always.
Thanks guys , for joining in the spirit it was intended . I am sure that over the last two seasons or more , many of us would have asked ourselves ,” WTF is going on ?” , while others would have just enjoyed the ride , the break in the monotony and believed that fairy tales due come true . After all the EPL is not fixed ! And new investors buy up clubs to keep the fan base happy , while making money and profits are secondary .
@ colario 01/03/2017 at 6:08 pm – Au contraire , Charles ! I like to think that I’m the most sanest person that I know personally ! But I’m always willing to get a second opinion from OMG ! So shrink me away , Don !
@ omgarsenal 01/03/2017 at 7:25 pm – That the boys in black have a very influential role to play in this tall tale is an already given . What do you think of a shady character leading this bunch of Keystonic nincompoops named , O’Really ? It would be such that whenever he would utter something , everyone would go ,” O’Really ?”
@ Belemo -01/03/2017 at 7:25 pm – Obviously ! It’ll be too far out to be true!
@ Norman14 01/03/2017 at 7:43 pm – Too obvious ! I ‘ll bring in patsy number two , a Jack Ruby like slimeball – a shooting star !
@ nicky 01/03/2017 at 9:02 pm – I’d like to think that when this script is finally finished , many agents would look to seek me out ! Hopefully the Hollywood types !
@ Zedsaunt -01/03/2017 at 10:27 pm – A great idea to knock one off ! We could always have a vote on which character ought to meet that fate . Death by Viagra ?
And on that topic – 11 sex tips for having extremely happy sex life
1. Air-condition (AC) in the room; set a temperature of 20 degree Celsius.
2. Spray romantic perfume_near the 4 ends of your mattress.
3. Avoid noises;since the AC is turned on and windows are closed, both of you will enjoy the moaning sounds during sex.
4. Use quality condoms.
5. Start slowly with gentle kisses on every muscle of the girl. Lick the neck area.
6. Always prefer wet sex to reduce pain. Refrigerate the lube during summer.
7. Have sex for at least two times.
8. Fresh up your mouth before lip kissing.
9. Switch on some romantic music with volume not exceeding 7-8 points.
10. Have sex regularly for healthy living.
And most important and crucial advice….
11. Then return home on time!!!
The receptionist a luscious eastern belle with super intellect & an expert in martial arts & destructive marital arts. The affairs with media moguls & sexist emails being circulated by the football management elite. This mogul being the controller of reporting of choice clips of football to ensure partisan success. The very special conditions to take over a stadium that was built for the World Athletic Drug Assisted games.
The meetings at the Magic Circle where all is planned & decided.
Suggestion for title – How the Best is Being Won.
PROLOGUE –
2003 – A ‘investor’ from olde Europe ,who was once a street trader , but now a wealthy billionaire buys a club in the same league . He promptly sacks the then manager , who also happens to be the future ‘Patsy’ . Lets call this kindly and honest manager Gepetto.
In the last months of 2004 , there occurred two separate but distinct events that would shape the future of that particular sport in the country in question.
Firstly ,in October of that year , the hereto unbeaten reigning champions , The Canons , were finally beaten in an away game with the previously dominant team , manure , which was that country’s ‘flagship’ . The match itself was considered by the lovers of the game as a total farce and a disgrace to the sport with the umpire siding with home side and by not penalising them for their blatant fouling and cheating . Much to the chagrin of the manager , players and fans of the opposition team who had been dubbed the ‘ inconquerables ‘.
The press , experts and commentators all seemed to be in cohorts by their defending of the incompetent umpire and the tactics of the manure , instead praising them for their bulldogged aggression and in their face attitude . Many purist believe that it was on that the day the beautiful game finally died . The fix was definitely in .
In 2005 the club is bought up by a new world trader from a couple of horse traders , who had fallen foul of the manager . All over an issue with’ fucking rights’ ! The new owners immediately start to borrow large sums of money using the club as surety , to shore up their other businesses.All they now need is to make sure that the club keep winning everything so that the cash cow is kept fattened .
PROLOGUE – continued…
Secondly , on Boxing Day of 2004 there occurred a earthquake of 9.3 magnitude near the Way Far Out Orient , followed by a tsunami that overran the secluded islands where the The Happy Ending Always and Vigour Restorative group of Resorts, were located .
If you remember your oriental history well, these island were once where the ancient kingdom of doom and gloom stood , before being consumed by the sea – Atlantis like. You would also remember that those ancients practice strange rituals and evil spells . The secrets of which were buried in the ruins .
I am sure most you know where this is going ! Anyway to continue our narrative,
when clearing the debris and repairing the damage , a treasure trove of ancient secrets and spells are discovered . These were churned out by both of the cataclysmic events . Many having to do with enhancing stamina and longevity.
These were then researched and developed for the underground market . And for sports , where the athletes gained speed ,stamina and muscle mass . And could go on and on , without visibly tiring . So in fact it was possible to develop a super hyped up sportsman , a veritable superman . Where to find such person who would be willing to participate ?
Some media types have to be included. Alan Elbow and Gary Shitteker (the formal local hero) who all have put money on that team to win the league. Against all ods. And their liaison officer Howard Reff who links the media with the BIGMOB as he is in both camps at the same time…
Flash forward to the previous close season , and the team in just having had avoided relegation , were rewarded by the owners with a trip to …you guessed it -The Happy Ending Always and Vigour Restorative group of Resorts!
But remember that the then manager would never allow his team to be ‘tampered’ with .So a crisis situation is created . A scandal is needed. So certain members of the team , especially the son are targeted and plied with spike drinks and specially trained women who have a set of skills that no man could resist .
So clips of abuses of the misbehaving team are presented to the manager , who is so appalled , that he tenders his resignation and leaves with his son in tow . While the others culprits are given an offer that they couldn’t refuse.
They agree to be boosted , and they are assured that these are all natural products like snake’s blood , slugs , crickets , scorpions , as well as herbs and juice extracted from red bulls .
The new manager does not know that his team has been fixed , rejoices in their play ans style and only realises the truth long after the end of the winning season. He tries to stop it but the team under performs and he is sacked .He leaves quietly like the gentleman he is .
@ Menace and Walter – I think we need at least two chapters of the book to list the infamy and compliance of the umpires , the BIGMOB , the media the experts and ex-players . I ‘d like to see a dream scene where O’Really tries sells his soul to the devil , and the devil almost baulks at the thought !
A dance of the seven veils by the receptionist at that house of very ill repute – The Sweet FA , would to bootylicious , too ! All those drooling old men would really be droll .
How about a scene near the end , as the manager ,Gepetto , goes to confession and then leaves ,as the priest is seen , stunned , scared, sweating profusely and genuflects continuously ?
The story does not end… it continues with the BIGMOB seconding mobbites to the new artificially cooled Middle East. While the fallen stars revived in the East with wonderful rewards of wok fulls of dosh, all driving cars with 8 on the plate.
The final return of the game to is really historic home.
Some of the main characters are missing:
James Nardy – Star center forward who has come up and learnt through the school of hard Knocks and who, after the successful campaign, flirts with Royal London in a lucrative transfer to the big smoke. But by lucky chance (for Royal London) Nardy has a severe anxiety attack and decides against a move.
Ryan Narez – Tricky Winger who ultimately leads a player revolt against the grand-father figure, after the supply of posy match pizzas dried up, causing his sacking.
Nogoal Can’ie – Hard as nails defensive mid-field player who legs it as fast as he can, soon after the last ball is kicked in that successful season, for the lucrative surroundings of Lokamotiv Fulham Broadway
@ Gooner S – 02/03/2017 at 12:16 pm – James Nardy probably decides against the move after finding out that The Canons upon the big smoke do daily blood and urine testing .
And as Tony had mentioned in an earlier article , no one had even asked ‘ why” ?
Why was he able to run faster and last longer than everyone else ? He was peaking you say?
Why was his hands always covered ? It was the cold you say ?
Why did he always wear turtle neck sweaters , bandannas and cravats ? A tribute to the dressing style of Robin Gibb , you say ?
Why were all of Gepetto’s boys ‘ noses getting longer ? Plastic surgery you say ? So nothing to do with Pinocchio’s Predicament ?
@ Menace – 02/03/2017 at 11:44 am – There many ways this novel slash movie could end .
For the feel good and kick ass crowd , I ‘d like that Vinny Jonesy manager to make a surprise comeback and lead an uprising to beat up all the villains .
Brickfields…
…but new investor, Fats Direct, will be able to kit the team out in offerings from his latest acquisition. Dike Mean would be especially open to that, as his both ways swinging looks for inspiration.
Or maybe that’s more of a story line for “Spuds on Heat”
My next article will outline the movie version of the above.
@ omgarsenal & Norman 14 – 02/03/2017 at 11:16 pm – There are so many possibilities as how this story ( novel or movie )could go –
– Comedic/ Sci-fi – The evil owners /investors/ other crooks are eaten or killed by the ancient creature/curse that rose up from the depths of the sea (along with other things that went missing in that region) , thus bringing balance to the force .I would love to see Gunnersaurus make an appearance .
-Evangelical /Zen /Karma – A great and higher force imposes his/her/it’s will and justice on the evil doers worldwide and the world rejoices and sports becomes fun again .
Taylor Swift will write and sing a song about this ! It’ll probably be called ‘Everyday is a fairytale ‘ , and there will be a lot of whining in the backing ! I never said it would be a happy ending ; Karma after all is a bitch!
-Feel good /Sports – A new body of distinguished elected persons will clean up all that ails the various sports and fair play and effort will be suitably rewarded . The crooks will be all rounded up sent to Coventry , or to Devil’s Island or remote places . The members of BIGMOB will be sent to the front. Let them try to referee the warring sides !
Brickfields (for your eyes only)..
3 young lads were admiring a brand new Ferrari.
Lad 1: When I grow up I’m going to be a Banker, because they earn lots of money and can afford one of those!
Lad 2: When I grow up I’m going to be a Professional Footballer, because they earn lots of money and can afford one of those!
Lad 3: When I grow up, I’m going to be a prostitute because they earn lots of money and can afford one of those!
Lad 1: What’s a prostitute?
Lad 3: I don’t know, but my sister is one and that’s her car!