Supposing we didn’t have Wenger, but had someone far more frightening

The players are doing a bit of pre-season limbering up, our new man from the Orient is already here, there’s Chamakh too, Henri Lansbury looked last season like someone we ought to sign (and hey! we have him anyway), Jack Wilshire is back, Theo hasn’t been injured in the world cup, Djourou is fit, and already the moaning and groaning and whining and complaining and all that stuff is getting up.

“Will this at last be the season where we start spending the money?” shouted one blog yesterday. “We all know that last season was a failure,” said another. “The memory of that first half against Barca can only be removed by winning the league.”

Well, actually, what a load of turnips.

And a good job too that there were no blogs in the 1970/1 season – during which time (I am sure you will recall) we won lots of stuff. And we lost 0-5 to Stoke City who were as awful then as they are now. The same was true every season we won things – we had some rotten matches. I can even remember the upset with events during the unbeaten season – a fairly horrible 2-2 draw with Sam the Slug’s Bolton stands out.

Writing us off before we have started because Arsène Wenger hasn’t followed the clinically depressive nature of the blogsphere and taken us massively into debt seems par for the course.

But I am sure that once upon a time Arsenal were not supported from outside the ground by such a sad bunch of people. (And if someone feels this bad about stuff but is inside the ground then they must be even sadder. I mean fancy spending £1000 on a season ticket just to be made to feel miserable because the manager doesn’t know as much as you.)

So in the interest of mental health, I thought I would make everyone happier by giving a jolly good reason to be cheerful.

Arsène Wenger is our manager and not Fabbinici Cappuccino who is currently dodging the tax police and managing (I use the word in a broad sense) England.

Here’s a few ways in which our club could have changed had Mr Cappuccino taken over the reigns instead of our Great and Glorious Arsène Wenger

Fitting in

Chris Waddle recently told the story on Radio Five that when he said he was going to Marseilles players and managers looked at him suspiciously, asking if he was going to learn French.

When he said that of course he was, he was strongly advised not to. “Make them speak English,” he was told time and time again. He didn’t.

Now I know that Waddle played for the enemy, but I’ve always tried to admit that occasionally they found themselves in possession of sheer and total talent, and Chris Waddle was one of these. He also always comes across to me as a decent chap who talks a language I can get. Yes he slips into BBC-ese sometimes, but that’s just the pressure of working with Alan Greene.

Cappuccino has the look of a man who either expects us to learn Italian, or expects not to be questioned. Interestingly, the media often excuse his poor English. “We have to remember its not his first language,” said Garry L for the BBC the other day.

The same could be said of Sir Alex F Word, but he still gets his message across.

In fact Mr Cappuccino’s first language is money, but let’s leave that for the moment.

When Our Lord Wenger arrived he came in speaking excellent English. The joke was that Wenger speaks six languages, which is six more than most of the players in the England team.

Come alone

Wenger famously arrived without baggage and kept the people who were already at the club. He did of course bring in some background staff of his choosing, but the Arsenal that we see day by day is the Arsenal of long term heritage – ex-players who have served the club all or much of their working life.

I don’t know what Pat Rice does other than run around a bit before a match, but it is good to see him there. I certainly know what Steve Bould and Liam Brady do. (Remember all that Liverpool Boot Room crap we used to get morning, noon and night from the media – their continuity plan looks feeble compared to Arsenal’s).

Fabinicci Cappuccino has so many Italian by-standers it is hard to know what any of them do. What does Baldini do? Dunno. What does Steve Rowley do? Finds brilliant kids and feeds them into the system.

Bad moves

Arsène Wenger faced a crisis on day one as the press laid out their position on foreign managers by laying siege to Highbury, demanding to see Arsène and shouting, “What is your view on the rumours Mr Wenger?”

Against all the advice from the old boys within the club (some of whom we must remember, had been there for over 2000 years) Arsène Wenger went to meet the gentlemen of the press.

“What rumours?” replied Arsène to the question.

“The rumours, Mr Wenger.”

“What rumours?”

So it went on until Arsène made it clear that he wanted a direct question which spelt out the detail, and he would respond. Of course none of the journos would risk the slander and libel case that would follow so they backed off, and the rumours were taken up by Manchester United who for eight years refused to stop their fans running the chants that are such a central part of that disgraceful club. The fans of Man U even released a record to celebrate their descent into hell.

Mr Cappuccino on the other hand faced the press and told them he was going to make public his daily analysis of how his squad were doing during the England campaign – and he would make money out of this. His respect index went into the negative and never recovered.

4. The contract

Arsène Wenger signs his contract as the old one runs out, and never breaks a contract. Ever. That’s why he arrived late from Japan. The Cappuccino Creature demanded that the FA remove a clause in his contract that allowed him to be sacked after the disastrous world cup outing, so he is still there, earning £6m a year to make England lose. (Actually I would like to point out to the fantastically awful football association – FAFA – that I would be willing to do the same job for half the salary).

5. Consistency or panic

Arsène Wenger has a philosophy and a plan. If the plan doesn’t work, he amends it slowly so as not to disrupt most of the arrangements in place. In other words he develops and changes. (I know the rabid mob like to say he is stubborn – but they mistake a lack of panic moves and jerky changes of course for refusal to change.)

Running out of centre backs he used Campbell – unthinkable before it happened but a clever move that worked. That unexpected change of approach is actually more Arsène Wenger than sticking doggedly with one plan that fails.

The Cappuccino equivalent is asking Paul Scholes and the coin thrower Jamie Carragher, to join the merry band, while suddenly dropping Theo (who he had repeatedly said was so important to his plans), ending up with the oldest team in world cup history.

(OK if you think that bringing back Campbell to help out last season was akin to bringing back Carragher then I guess we can go no further – but I would ask that you have a look at a video of Carragher in an England game, and Campbell playing for us last season).

I rather prefer Arsène Wenger over Fabbinici Cappuccino. But supposing one enter the pit and despaired for a moment like those supporters who start the season depressed and then go down from there. What then? Who instead? (And let’s limit the list to those who are available just for the hell of it.)

I can’t actually think…


“No reason to get excited,”

“There are many here among us
Who feel that life is but a joke.

So let us not talk falsely now,
The hour is getting late.”

19 Replies to “Supposing we didn’t have Wenger, but had someone far more frightening”

  1. i don’t believe Cappuccino is still there…

    Besides i think you can do a much better job for Half Salary, after all you support Lord Wenger..

  2. i just read in the pappers that barcelona need to take a loan of 123 million pounds to be able to pay the wages of their players. In the same piece sandro rosell says barca will not pay over 40 million pounds for fabregas, and just before that he said barca should stop negotiating through the media what a c#nt

  3. if harrys court case goes against him , we could probly get him. phil brown might like a go too.

  4. Statistically there was only one premier league player faster than Theo last year……..Sol Campbell.

    Capeloo even told us who were the best players for England that he had omitted to pick….

    Ever get the feeling someone is pulling our chain?

  5. 1. MUFC don’t just sing disgusting songs about Arsene Wenger. Torres is a dress-wearing poof prostitute who spreads his legs for Carragher according to Promenaders in Stretford. I’m sure both fathers of Merseyside tell their partners that Thursday afternoon is for shagging someone else…….and that someone else isn’t a woman. Because women all support the Blue lot…….or Real Madrid….
    2. There is plenty for some doom-mongers to rejoice about: Bendtner’s groin is still gummed up and he doesn’t know when he’ll play again. They’ll be dancing in the streets when they hear that…….
    3. Fabregas will be talking directly to Rosell in South Africa. Rosell has just bunged his local bank for £125m (he calls it ‘short-term liquidity problems’) to stop Barca going bust and has trashed Arsenal as a place Cesc doesn’t want to see again to his luminary friends in the Daily Mail. They were nice enough to say that Arsenal want £60m but he’ll only go £34m and he’ll not be doing the pleasantries of talking to Arsenal FC, just breezing into the Spanish camp and treating contract law as a piece of toilet roll to wipe his ass with. Perhaps Arsene should ring up Nick Clegg and ask if he will send his wife to sort out the Barcelona President with some Spanish legalese for ‘when do you want a white hot poker up your ass, buddy boy’??
    4. The gambling fraternity are all expecting Spain to beat Germany. As Germany can’t defend, they can’t score goals and their midfield is total rubbish. And as for their manager: he didn’t win the Champions League as a player, so he’s totally useless isn’t he?? Actually, I’d quite like Germany to win the whole thing……..a nice surprise and they made England look rubbish……….not nice but about time too. And they play like a real team………
    5. Harry Redknapp will replace Arsene Wenger when he replaces Mr Cappucino as Sky need an EPL manager to be gunned down by crazed betrayed fans to sell some new subscriptions and Klinsmann fancies Spurs at the new ground. Joachim Loew will be approached at the funeral to see if he is interested in instilling some German rigour into Arsenal’s tactics…….as Beckenbauer can’t fire the Dutchman from Bayern after he got to the Champions League final last year so he won’t be going there just yet.
    6. Arsene has hired 11 Russian women of the night who will emerge 20 minutes before kick-off in the oppositions’ dressing room at the Emirates and start shagging the arse off the starting 11. At £1m a place in the league, he reckons it’s money well spent………
    7. Cristiano Ronaldo will not be allowed to meet any Arsenal WAGS as he might get them pregnant by mistake. And Arsene doesn’t need to sell any more players to Chelsea to lose their WAG, does he?
    8. Arsenal are going to lose the League this year as Roman saw what Jose did last year and he’s got to better that to teach him who’s boss. So all bets are off as Chelsea will be winning them all. By bunging referees, threatening to expose players’ dalliances in the Press and all that……and by being the only club to honour M. Platini’s financial requirements………
    9. Nicholas Anelka will be re-signed by Arsene as he clearly knows well who the son of a whore is……..the coach of the team he likes to hate…….
    10. Yaya Toure has been bunged £50m to allow Mid-East conglomerates to win dodgy contracts in West Africa. And to clear out a space in midfield for Cesc. He’ll go back when Cesc decides Barca didn’t really want him again, they just wanted to stop him playing for Arsenal…….for another £50m bung.
    11. Gerard Pique has been paid a £5m bonus by Sir Alex for his part in the Cesc story this summer. It was part of the deal by which he agreed to sell him.

  6. Arsenal with an English manager would have droves of Arsenal supporters signing stupid kids songs Luckypool style but with no imagination and style amongst the players and huge debt, Trash United way ,so Arsene Wenger is the right manager as George Graham had a boring English mentality kick and run style of outdated 1960,s soccer ,Liverpool supporters can sing you,ll never walk alone the whole season but still won,t win the Premiership without at least seven classy players ,but ben Ayoun has gone to Chelsea and useless overrated Torres is sizing up his options ?

  7. good reading i think mr wenger operate on the principles from the art of war ie keep the structure while making small changes


    sandro rosell,the new president of barcelona, has admitted on the catalan radio rac-1 that “the club is in debt.this month we had difficulties to pay the salaries of the players.we are negotiating for a loan of 150 millions euros to be able to pay our next dealings.”

    ( i dont bother translate the part about yaya toure and Ibrahimovic)

    he also confirmed that Dmitro Chigrynskiy will be sold back to Shaktar Donetsk for 15 millions euros: ” in the situation that we are, it was a necessary deal in order to solve our problems in the accounts.”

    about the arrival of fabregas, rosell was very clear: “we wont pay 50 or 60 millions (euros) for him.”

  9. So… Barca-lone-us was a good name after all. I guess they will be seeking help from all the other big time clubs that have this annoying little problem, clubs like, oh…

    Cardiff City
    Southend United
    Preston North End
    Grays Athletic
    Ashstead Town
    Ilkeston Town

    Yup – they’ve all got the same old problem.

    And why do football clubs have to get involved in all this finance stuff? Why can’t they just get on with football and leave finance to the bankers…



  10. Why are we all angered, frustrated and surprised this summer? Have we not all learnt lessons form past summers as well as the winter transfer windows of late?Summers, even without the small matter of a World Cup, have long been a complete head fuck made only more confusing by the increasingly demented ramblings of he who should not be questioned.My advice, just fucking ignore it!You can sit there staring at Sky Sports News or the Football356 internet site as long as you like but it won’t change anything.When Wenger says we will have all our dealings done by such and such a time, ignore it! when he says he is close to signing X, Y & Z, ignore it.Arsenal, being Arsenal, will continue to only feed you the tit bits they want to, more so at this time of year when they would like your season ticket cash and £60 a pop new shirt money with whoever they let you dream of signing name on the back.Just sit back, relax and look forward to Bendtner playing right wing whilst Eboue partners Vermaelen at centre back.

  11. Getting back to the thread….

    Two English players made a positive impression on me at this World Cup.(Three if you include David James).

    The first was Theo, who when given the choice of Totalitarianism or Freedom, chose Freedom.

    ‘Hey?’ I hear you say?

    Theo has developed under Arsene, where players are given a remarkable amount of freedom. Arsene’s modus operandi is to let players express themselves…… go out on the field and be creative……..literally to do what they think will work on the pitch.

    Fidel, I mean Fabio, Castro , I mean Capello, has an entirely different outlook. He tells players what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. You fart on his command. This regime was totally alien to Theo, he was simply not able to comply. Going out and doing what he does best has been so ingrained under Wenger, that when Castrello barked:

    ‘Come inside’ Theo could not jump like a dog…….good for you Theo.

    The only other player to come out of the World Cup fiasco with any balls was John Terry….

    Let’s rewind a bit. John Terry was demoted, but not sacked, for dropping his trousers.

    Firstly, John Terry did nothing illegal, it is worth pointing out. Secondly he did something that probably a fair few others have done.

    Thirdly, it is the rank hypocrisy of the FA that of course stinks here. Since all of them spend their time shagging the secretary, usually the same one, how can they turn round and demote Terry? If they do that, then they have to punish themselves also…….after all, think about it, they are in a more senior position then him.

    But ultimately their hypocrisy has bitten them in the arse, and I’m so pleased for it. We perpetually hear all this garbage about footballers being role models…(by the way, Rooney was caught playing out of court too – but he still wears the armband)….

    Role Models …..

    If any player truly wants to be a role model, then they should stand up for what is right, that to me would be someone acting as a role model.

    When Rooney was asked about the Shawcross attack, he deemed it perfectly fair….

    As a highly paid footballer, given the choice to speak out and name right from wrong, he choose clearly to duck the question, and sanction the filth that passes for football in England.

    That’s his choice, but he cannot be called a role model.

    The same pusillanimous weakness was shown by every player, bar one, when it came to Castrato’s dreadful regime. Not one of them had the bottle to stand up and rock the boat……except John Terry.

    Good for him, I say.

  12. Barca is having a laugh. “We can’t afford to pay for Cesc, but clearly the boy want’s to join us. So why don’t you give him to us, so that the boy can be happy?”.

    I’ll be so upset if Arsenal decide to sell him for a measly 30M. I think the boy has enough respect for Wenger to keep playing for us. We all (or most of us) know that he will eventually sign for Barca. I don’t see much point in keeping him around for another season or two. In the long run, we’re better of giving the likes of Ramsey and Wilshere more responsibility in the comming seasons.

  13. Tony couple of small points.

    As I understand Barca and Real pay there wages in either a lump sum or 2 instalments so this might be more cash flow than huge losses, although it could just as likely be both.

    Chris Waddle speaking french! Come on. I cant’ understand his English, the chances of him being understood in another language are ridiculous.

  14. Marc: if that was their business plan, you’d expect them to have budgeted for it with all the money that wasn’t going out of the club on a weekly basis, no?

  15. Arry would do a great job at arsenal if you give him £30 million to spend each year, he would probably win you a few trophies, he is like a gold digging wife everything is fine while there is money, I guess Arsenal is one of the few clubs who could afford arry

    to be honest I am sick of the different sects in arsenal the D&G and the AKB, you all need to get some perspective

  16. This is a incredible topic all of you have happening. I really like the mix of good and correct details along with some intellectual ideas. It really is wonderful to finally discover excellent articles where I feel like I could rely on the information and admire those who that publish it. Because of the web nonsense nowadays I continually love discovering some real voices online. Many thanks for blogging and keep writing, please!!

  17. Surely if Wenger fails to produce some silverware next season the Arsenal faithful will finally lose patience, the pain of seeing United and Chelsea dominate the league will be too great.

  18. Me? I just want AW to get one more in the CB position, and a keeper(for the interim). The team is set for a great season.
    And not needing a loan to pay wages, or sell players to finance questionable buys, or sell back(at a loss)players bought a year ago, is frosting on the cake.
    P.S. I remember the s&g brigade clamoring for Filipe Melo last off-season!

  19. Wenger’s had years not months to deal with our well known,and documented problems I.e. keeping,defence,dm,striker,he knows full well that we the fans r fed up with his nonsense,but his ego seems to always get on top of his logic,its not unusual for a genius to believe in his own hype and thus start to serve his reputation ahead of the project(arsenal),the mans only interested in his legacy 20 years down the line,his thinking is this,we’ll say this about him “mmm Arsene imagine the fans in 20 years time’ remember wenger,he won 3 league titles,2 doubles,got us in the cl every season,eufa cup and cl final,he even went undefeated winning the title,all this while not spending what ferguson and co did,he also built the emirates,saved us from debt and steadied the ship,brought through a new generation of young stars,and the new manager inhereted all this’ and if i manage to win with these average players(eboue,alumunia etc..)while spending little,playing the style i want(pass*11) then i will go down as a king!” all this sounds good,but its deceptive,he could have won the league within this 6 seasons many times while saving money,and keeping the youth,hes too big headed and arrogant,all u fans complaining about him either do something(no season ticket for me!)about it or stop wasting ur breath! the wengerites have done something,they marched in support of him.simple question to the pro-wenger lobby: if wenger doesnt sign the needed players,and we fail to win anything or worse get out of the top 4,then can we sack him? please this is no banter,just question and answers.p.s. can those of u who keep coming here claiming someone told u that so and so is joining i.e. joe cole stop! ur just humiliating urselves. frimpong looked good,lets hope he makes the move up,if wilshere,ramsey,couqelin,sceszney etc..dont make it,its criminal!

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