By Sir Hardly Anyone.
The pundits and tipsters, and the drunks at the bar, have made a pretty fair hash of predicting who Arsenal are signing and selling this summer, but with just a short while to go one might hope their information might at least be right by now.
And yet, I suspect maybe not, not least because the Daily Mail has just come up with the headline “When does the transfer window close? All you need to know”. Actually to be fair that is the Hull Daily Mail, but even so.
The answer – and yes it is all you need to know – is 11pm on Thursday 31 August.
So who are we going to sign with just two and a half days to go? And indeed who is going to depart? And after that can we do an article headlined, “Who is Sir Hardly Anyone? All you need to know.”
Part One: Players In
1: Jonny Evans
This one is everywhere. Arsenal have “entered the running” (puff puff) for Jonny Evans as West Bromwich Albion “brace themselves” (brace brace) for an “improved bid from Manchester City” (bid bid) for the Northern Ireland centre-half. [Stop it stop it – Tony] The story goes that…
“City are expected to make a third offer worth up to £30 million for Evans today but Arsenal are understood to have enquired about the former Manchester United defender last night.”
Only an enquiry? Well, the story is here, there and everywhere, so maybe not.
2: Virgil van Dijk,
Arsenal are closing in on the signing of Southampton defender Virgil van Dijk. This one is in The Sun. A horrible little toe rag of a newspaper.
But Liverpool and Chelsea are involved so that means that since Arsenal fail at everything as is well known, we won’t get him. Besides The Sun Says, Southampton are quite certain Van Dijk will not be sold, despite signing defender Wesley Hoedt from Lazio.
On the other hand Arsenal don’t know what they are doing so they might offer 55p or £50m, you never can tell.
3: Raheem Sterling
Apparently Sterling has been offered to Arsenal in exchange for Alexis Sanchez. And there might be some money as well, although City might use a slight of hand and withdraw the money offer late in the night.
4: Thomas Lemar
Liverpool have just offered £74m. Arsenal are also interested. That’s what the bloggettas are saying, don’t blame me. Monaco say he is still not for sale. But the Monaco owner has a huge divorce bill, and some other legal costs, and there are questions everywhere about the finances of the club, so really, who knows other than the judge.
5: Sergio Aguero
Arsenal are keen on “landing” Sergio Aguero, apparently (that sounds very fishy). It will be a monster swap deal with Manchester City.
6: Julian Draxler.
Yep it is not Lemar, it is Draxler. So is this the window where Draxler finally joins Arsenal?
Kylian Mbappe is off to PSG so Draxler is threatened with playing in the reserves and doesn’t want to hang around. The cost is around £40 million.
And this is all according to The Sun, (oh dear). Apparently Arsenal are at the front of the queue for Draxler, with a deal very possible.
1: Alexis of course (it is always Alexis)
Manchester City are offering Raheem Sterling as part of the deal (see above) although actually they want a straight cash deal to sign Sanchez and now, quickly before the CAS bans them from signing anyone. But Arsenal are in chaos of course, so it will probably be a player who looks a bit like Sterling and who has just changed his name to Sterling and who can’t play.
Meanwhile Man City are flying staff to Chile to complete the deal, which is odd, because neither his agent nor the player is in Chile. But they do make some rather nice Merlot, and the new vintage (currently on offer discounted to £5.50 a bottle in Morrisons just over the border in Corby) is worth picking up by the crate, so that’s probably why they are all off.
Arsene Wenger needs to strengthen his back line after reports that Shkodran Mustafi could be on his way to Inter Milan because he doesn’t like the English climate.
But unless Inter suddenly decide to cough up a bucketful of cash, it looks as if Mustafi won’t be leaving the Emirates any time soon, according to the Independent. And Inter don’t have the money.
3: The Ox
Arsene Wenger could be ready to sell Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, reports The Mirror. Well “reports” is probably a bit strong.
But Chelsea and Liverpool are “on red alert”. Honestly there are still some people around who write phrases like “red alert”.
“Chelsea agree fee with Arsenal to sign Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain” is one headline under which we are told “Chelsea have agreed a fee with Arsenal for Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, with the player potentially the first of three England internationals destined for Chelsea – Liverpool, however, retain an interest in the midfielder”. Hmmmm.
Jack Wilshere could also be set to leave the Emirates, with Arsene Wenger prepared to sell him, according to The Guardian. That doesn’t really tell us much does it.
Apparently he’s not going anywhere, because Watford can’t agree terms. Oh but what’s this? WBA are now back in. Wow!
The deal is not done, he’s staying. That’s according to a bloggetta.
So there we are. Are we any the wiser? I’m not really sure. Mine’s a Merlot thank you very much squire.
- What is wrong with Arsenal, what is wrong with football and how to put it all right
- Do you have to be passionate to be a football supporter? A note to the psychologist.
- Exactly how can things get any worse? Turns out it is not too hard.