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April 2021

Arsenal’s new signing, worst signing, dumbest race, and best article not on Untold

by Sir Hardly Anyone

So we have given in.  Bonkers news, and football transfers are now an all the year racket, and it is not as if someone has stolen the ball.  (Ball / racket geddit?)  Because amazingly we have apparently just made a signing.  And a really weird one it is.  And I want to tell you about a rather jolly article I read about Ozil.

But wait, hold yer horses, stay steady, let’s take things in turn.  Because TODAY IS THE BIG DAY.   Yes there are only 100 days to go before the transfer window opens!!!  I can’t believe it has crept round so quickly.  So what have we got.

And not only is there a signing but also a race for another signing, a pundit who admits he has no idea what is going on, huge problems at full back, huge problems in the centre, and at the end, that rarity: the link to an article we all thought was rather well written on another website.  Off we go…

1:  Arsenal do make a signing and Wiki’s greatest ever explanation.

Yes, really, really it is true, true, true, honest, true.   According to Vital Football.

Former Norwich City striker, Jamie Cureton has joined Arsenal as a youth coach.

Now apparently he is 42 year old, and has been plucked from the jaws of Farnborough for whom he still plays on occasion.  Now I must admit that I didn’t know much about Farnborough FC so I looked them up on Wiki and this is what is says.

Farnborough Football Club is a football club based in Farnborough, 

I think that is one of the all time classics.  Football London has the story as an exclusive, but unfortunately without blinking it is possible to find

Watch Arsenal Live Streams With

  • Former Norwich City striker Jamie Cureton joins Arsenal coaching staff …
  • Exclusive: Jamie Cureton’s pride at new Arsenal academy role …
  • Veteran Striker Jamie Cureton Bags Arsenal Coaching Role –  …
  • Ex-Leyton Orient and Dagenham & Redbridge forward Jamie Cureton …
  • Former Exeter City striker Jamie Cureton takes up coaching role with …
  • Former Bristol Rovers star takes up coaching role with Arsenal – Bristol …
  • Former Cheltenham Town striker takes coaching role at Arsenal …
  • Norwich City | Cureton Joins Arsenal As Youth Coach
Pesky things these exclusives.  Especially with this guy seemingly having played for every club under the sun.
You see, these days to do an exclusive you need to do a story not only that no one else has but also a story that no one would ever publish.  Untold can do this because our view of the news (that all journalists are drunken turnips and 103% of all statistics are made up) is not a vision shared by the rest of the media.  So our exclusives remain exclusive.  But otherwise, it is all a bit of a lame duck.

Anyway, here’s the news: ‘I’m taking my badges at the moment,’ Cureton told the Bristol Post.

2:  The race that can’t be a race

All through the summer we were told that Arsenal were stumbling around, failing to sign  the player they wanted, leaving everything thing to the last minute, and then – even then, still failing.  That was about as much of a race as two Antarctic icebergs charging into the Southern Ocean.

But despite this the Mirror lunatically has the headline, “Arsenal ‘join Premier League rivals in race’ for Schalke midfielder Leon Goretzka”.  And I ask again, how can it be a race when they spent the summer telling us that Arsenal were stumbling backwards into the darkness?

3: The self-fulfilling headline.

Being perplexed is the natural state of the pundit.  They know everything and can’t understand why managers don’t see the world as they do. Hence perplexification is the standard.  As in…

Former Portsmouth and Newcastle striker, Micky Quinn, is perplexed over Liverpool decision to sign of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.

“They’ve signed Oxlade-Chamberlain, I don’t know why the signed him at the time,” Quinn said on talkSPROUT.

Glad we’ve got that one out of the way.

4:  Bellerin is so definitely leaving in January the only story is who do we buy instead.

You might think that Bellerin story was done to death in the summer, and the commentary johnnies who had Bellerin leaving being predicted on eight days in every week had so much egg on their faces they were now omelettes.   In fact I think failed predictors should always be called omelettes from now on.

Anyway Bellerin is off (again).  For sure.  So for sure that this headline was spotted on the interweb thing…

3 Backups For Hector Bellerin Who Arsenal Can Target In January 

5:  We’ve got BIG central defender problems.

Yes, you know it is true.   Kos is declining, Mustafi is going, Mert is ending.  Wenger has learned his lesson about leaving it far too late, and so Virgil Van Dijk will join in January.  Now the mere fact that you read this all through the summer is neither here nor there.  This time it is COMPLETELY TRUE.  I know that cos I read it on a bloggetta.

6: And so on to the one goodie in all this

I thought this a jolly decent piece so I would pass it on.

We need to talk about how we talk about Mesut Özil


Hope you enjoy that.  Farewell until I say hello once more.

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8 comments to Arsenal’s new signing, worst signing, dumbest race, and best article not on Untold

  • Pedigree man

    Too much bullshit
    by people who think they know all about football.If they are so clever why have they not become managers.?????
    I am so fed up with these people who think they know it all and are ready to critisize other people when they themselves are not above critisiium.It is like listening the the BBC news,depressing and always trying to aportion blame

  • Chris


    the article about Ozil is very interesting and the focus on the pairings offers a completely different analysis, yet, I believe, that one that is pretty right on point.

    Wonder when we’ll get a stable pairing again and one that makes the whole midfield engine click

    As for Sanchez, I fully agree, the guy is talented, yet he is bent on winning his duels more than on contributing – yet one must say he can lay on assists as well and has done so. Like it is stated, they are Ying and Yang

  • Jax

    I think the more responsible media is justifiably focusing on the FA at the moment and has little interest in gossip, which they’re leaving to unregulated social media.
    Don’t panic, they’ll be back on track ASAP.

  • Gooner S

    Just a personal view and a guess but I think Ozil will sign for Manchester United in the summer. I hope he signs another contract with Arsenal (obviously).

  • SamuelAkinsolaAdebosin

    I hope Jamie Cureton will give Arsenal a clue on how they can dealt a blow to Norwich City in the 4th round of the Carabao Cup when his former club comes to the Ems for the match.

    As for the transfer rumour mill, I think Arsenal are not in transfer mode now. But are very much concerned now with consolidating the gains they’ve had in their Premier League games recently and build on these gains by collecting the maximum points in their next 2 PL home games against WBA and Brighton & HA to enhance their position in the table before going on holiday for the compulsory Fifa international break.

  • robl

    Shame on you, Sir Hardley.

    Don’t you remember the 6-1 against Farnborough in the FA Cup?

    Farnborough fans remember it for what happened when the money flowed in and allegedly straight back out again. It’s never got back to those heights since.

  • MickHazel

    Gooner S
    I thought Mourinho didn’t like lazy players who nick a living and never track back and who goes missing in the big games?

  • markyb

    Oh he will suddenly turn world class and do nothing different except playing for Moanhino for Man U