Arsenal is full of people who really don’t want to be there, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

By Tony Attwood

I see that Arsenal Fan TV won an award at the Football Blogging Awards, which I suppose might just tell us something about where we are.

I suppose for me it is a bit like giving an advertising award to a company that make daily, “hello I believe you were involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault” calls, or worse, robocalls (where all you get is a recorded message) while knowing  that the calls come from a non-existent number and that there are 8.5 billion robocalls are made each month in the USA alone.

And so, being interested in history I want to ask, “How did we get here?”   How can it be that Sky Sports News is putting out the message that Arsenal Fan TV has won an award, and they, and I guess the judges, think this is a good thing?

So next I went searching to find out who these judges were, and although I went through several web sites that are reporting on the event at Alexandra Palace I couldn’t find a list of judges anywhere.  I guess they must have been the people who keep outmoded phone networks running, along with assorted criminals, debt collectors, Footsie 100 companies, Virgin Trains, Stage Coach, and directors of Carillion, Deloitte, PriceWaterhouseCoopers, Ernst & Young, KPMG, Grant Thornton, the people who invented Windows and had the absolute nerve to call it an “operating system”, and similar upstanding and righteous individuals.

But then it struck me, it was ever thus.  For as one of our readers reminded us recently, the opening of Fever Pitch comments that Highbury was full of people who clearly didn’t want to be there, watching this most awful team play terrible football and saying so loudly.

Slowly on contemplating this I realised that I too had fallen into a hell that could not possibly be real.

I guess I have coped (to a point) before now by making fun of some of the greater levels of insanity – like having the media tell us about over 100 transfers into Arsenal that are about to happen during the course of the summer when in fact only three will happen and no one but no one will apologise for all this false news, and the someone writing a comment in after this article saying “if you think Arsenal only need three players you are a moron” as if that were the point.

Like the fact that TalkSport are currently quoting that Arsenal are trying to sign Dries Mertens and are “battling to fight off” Tottenham Hotspur.

Now there are two things you need to know (and I really do mean “need to know” about this guy).  These are that is a) he is a forward, playing either a centre forward or a winger and b) he is 31 years old.

If we can throw into the occasion the fact that Arsenal have just spent loadsofmoney on assembling a forward line of Mkhitaryan, Aubamayang and Lacazette and that to the best of my knowledge none of these fine players will be getting themselves crippled in the World Cup this summer, and thus are likely to be fully fighting fit from the off, why the giblets would we need to buy another forward?

We have Danny Welbeck as a back up, can play Ozil as a forward winger… and we have various youngsters coming through, so do we really, really, really need to buy a 31 year old?   And come to that would he come in order to be a reserve?

I was thus getting to the point where none of the world makes any sense at all (to which many would reply well, that’s what you get from writing Untold Arsenal all the time) when I discovered that Gazetta Dello Sport, which TalkSprout cites as the source for the story about this undoubtedly fine player coming to Arsenal, actually cites an English sports radio station as the source of the story, and suddenly everything made sense in the sense that nothing is ever supposed to make sense.

It’s a bit like touting Thierry Henry as manager of Arsenal.  What exactly is the sense in that?   Or the “fact” as it is portrayed in loads of places that Arsenal have learned their lesson from the Alexis “fiasco” and will not let Aaron Ramsey run down his contract in the way Alexis did, but will sell him sooner.

And I thought, hang on a minute.  Thierry has never managed a club, and the Alexis deal worked out rather well for us, given that Alexis we were told was endlessly causing problems for Arsenal in the dressing room and his skills were fading, so we cleverly got rid of him to Manchester United for whom he has not been scoring goals while making a fuss, and in his stead we got Mkhitaryan who seems a jolly decent sort of chap and is a pal of Aubamayang and plays jolly good football.

So where was the mistake?

And yet it must be all a mistake.  Otherwise, if it is not a mistake, Arsenal Fan TV winning an award must be a Good Thing, a bit like Northern Rock giving mortgages of 120% of the value of a house to people who couldn’t afford to make the repayments, or…  well it goes on and on.

In the end I was taken back to the statement by the UK government minister Nicholas Ridley, who when asked what working class people should do if they couldn’t pay their bills or afford food, said words to the effect, “They should do what my family always did – sell a picture.”

It was only later that I realised he actually was the son of a Viscount, and that this was exactly what his family used to do, and that he meant it in all seriousness.

Arsenal Fan TV have won an award.  My only response at the moment is, “Can we open another bottle?”



25 Replies to “Arsenal is full of people who really don’t want to be there, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  1. Aside from the echo-chamber effect of clickbait headlines; the underlying bit of seriousness I catch a whiff of from ‘Outers’? Is somehow, after taking credit for pushing a decent man from a job? Now see as birthright their opinions on how Arsenal should proceed — as validated by the act.

    I very much like the scenario as it is playing out; inasmuch as it looks that Mikel Arteta may be named manager/head coach/touchline czar. Even as I agree with the move in the sense of continuity and a bold, calculated gamble?

    Like even more that it drives some of those ‘validateds’, lemming-like, over the nearest mental cliff. Shame the fall isn’t too steep to do much more than make mushy gray-matter– into a cooler gruel.

    Far more at ease than just a month ago, regards,

  2. Arsenal fan tv wins an award? Sky sports news giving a headline out of ‘wrong decision’- arsenal fans in meltdown over possible new manager? I can’t stand sports media any more. Stay off twitter for sure, #artetaout – disgusting behaviour. We have such a disparate fan-base. If it is Arteta, I will back him to take the club to more success. He may be a brilliant choice. I hope so.

  3. I can’t see Arteta putting himself in the position to be pilloried by the Arsenal “fans” as he’s has just lately escaped them himself. Perhaps we should get a guy who doesn’t have an internet connection or reads no english. That way he would be unlikely to have an idea of what he’s setting himself up for. The Turkmenistan national coach has nothing to do this summer I hear.

  4. This really hit the nail on the head for me and was a very amusing read. Thanks.

  5. Tony – don’t be so bitter cause you are out of touch with Arsenal fans.

  6. Gentlemen, I think we can declare that the bottom of the barrel has finally been scraped.

  7. Are you jealous arsenal fan TV won the award? You always boast about untold getting billions of views, though you hardly quote a source for this stats and never give a comparison with the number of views contemporary blogs get, and as far as I’m aware you’ve never gone looking for the persons who gave those stats, so I suspect a bit of jealousy when you go to these lengths to query arsenal fan TV’s win

  8. Chan:
    Is Untold jealous of Arsenal Fan TV? certainly not. We despair that they exist and people like them and give them an award. No Untold does not get billions of views. Our figures come from Google Analytics. I give no comparisons with others because we don’t know their numbers, only those of the 3 blogs we run. And of course you may suspect all you wish. But really, is one article “these lengths”?

  9. Watching the FA Cup…all in all not an exciting display of football. dire,in fact.

  10. Tough to cheer for either of those teams but I feel OK cheering against Mourinho and keeping Arsenal as the top cup winners!

  11. I think the mistake that Arsenal made in the transfer of Sanchez was their not selling him to Man City for a reported £60m transfer fee during the last summer window. And use part of the money they have realised from the sale to sign Lacazette that summer whom they eventually signed that summer but using the AFC already summer transfer budgeted kitty to do the signing. Then in the last winter window, they could bid to sign Mkhitaryan from Man Utd if they so want to sign him. Or sign a different top grade midfielder during that last winter window for a price tag of between £30-40m only. The amount which they’ve generated more than that from their selling, Szcezsney £10m, Coquelin £12m and Chamberlain £35m totaling £57m from their last summer sales. But still of course sign Aubameyang using the left over from the £57m and their last winter transfer kitty to sign Auba’ who they signed using that last winter window.

    I think AFC outgoing and incoming transfer was messed up last summer window for Monsieur Weber insistence of finding a replacement first before he’ll let go Sanchez. A replacement he Berber got as Arsenal reported attempt to sign Thomas Lemar from AS Monaco for a reported over bolted transfer fee of £92m became botched. Thus, leaving Monsieur Wenger liking his finger for his not collecting the £60m offered by Man City to sign Sanchez.

  12. @GGG
    Cheering against the ‘Specious One’ (who flushed £200M down the crapper this season on nothing) was satisfying.
    Also, that a certain someone who felt compelled to leave a cup-club for greater glory?
    Now nicks £400k per week from that same rival’s budget. And was personally denied (just) another cup.

  13. So many articles of opinion, meanwhile we finished 6th fact. So many points behind the spuds and Liverpool teams with similar budgets fact. An away record that borders on shambolic and a team that cannot defend. They are the issues not Arsenal fan tv which actually happens to give an opinion to our most loyal fans.

  14. I’m sure that Untold Arsenal would have won hands down, in the’ most number of fake Arsenal fan whining on a pro Arsenal blog ‘ category !

    Why, I’d reckon that we would won by at least by a million whiners! But am not sure who would have been number two.

    And probably also in the most number fake email addresses posters , and in the fools who keep posting in different names , but from the same e-mail address.

    We would have also won the most number of loyal and faithful Arsenal Untolders on UA – there are millions of us !

  15. To link Arsenal Fan TV primarily with “our most loyal fans” and Untold solely with opinion is something I can’t actually understand, which I am sure if a fault of mine. But, KR, as I am sure you well know, there are multiple newspapers and countless blogs that do agree with you. You are indeed in a majority of those who write to or for blogs, which is why Untold is here.

  16. The anti Arsenal media barrage continues. I see Danny Welbeck has been selected for the England squad. The Telegraph predicted he wouldn’t be and none of the Telegraph journalists selected him in their squads.

  17. Arsenal Fan TV won the award because it brings joy to millions. Who wouldn’t want to watch a load of whiney bitches slagging off the club they purport to support? Especially when the club in question is Arsenal. I liked Arteta as a player and he was my first choice to take over from Wenger but given that the abuse has started, prior to his even taking the job, perhaps he might be better served waiting for the call from Everton? It’s probably a better job all around, truth be told.

  18. Did you really expect to get an award yourself?
    You did didn’t you!!

  19. Given that no one nominated Untold, no I didn’t. Your powers of mind reading are clearly not up to fairground standard. I’d give up if I were you.

  20. I see Amy and the Grauniads number one fan is back in one of his many guises

  21. Yes I can see it is difficult if you don’t pay attention. No we don’t have 5 million page viewers, and I think most regular readers know exactly why we would not be nominated. You see, it has something to do with our regular efforts to make the point that the problem with the media is not just the bias in its articles but also the bias in the use of language.

    Now since we spend a bit of time each week pointing out examples of this that means we are inevitably attacking the other sites that are nominated, and if we were ever to be nominated and get a prize that would be a prize for attacking all the other contestants which would effectively bring the whole show to a close.

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