by Billy “The Dog” McGraw.
As Arsenal prepare to play Bolton, or as they are called locally, Blacheborne (a name which, as I mentioned ahead of the fixture last year, is taken from the Old English name for bleach) Untold Arsenal have had the privilege of an interview with Magnus Samo a notorious northern gangster whom the police have been after for several centuries.
But first, the ground of the back.
These days the old club (who last won the league in 1314 – just after lunch) is up for sale and Saurin Shah has made a bid of 2500 pobble beads.
This is, of course, the home of anti-football, rotational fouling, rotational time-wasting, and rotundial Sam.
Last season our comparative records went like this…
- Goals For Blackburn Heart of Satan 41 Arsenal 83
- Goals Against Blackburn Heart of Satan 55 Arsenal 43
- Shots Blackburn Heart of Satan 366 Arsenal 480
- Yellows Blackburn Heart of Satan 57 Arsenal 56
- Reds Blackburn Heart of Satan 2 Arsenal 1
- Fouls committed Blackburn Heart of Satan 561 Arsenal 471
Blackburn Average crowd 25.428,
Blackburn Capacity 31,154 (7,500 of whom are Fattus Sammus)
The fact that this most appalling of teams on got 561 fouls given against them shows how frightful they are, while the paltry 57 yellows shows how well they work rotational fouling.
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It is generally thought that most human activity in East Lancashire these days occurs on the hilltops and fans going to the match tomorrow will find examples of urn burials among the tumulus, near Pleasington Cemetery. Sacred springs are to be found thereabouts, especially on Railway Road.
Sagna, Koscielny, Vermaelen, Clichy (Gibbs, Eboue, Djourou)
Diaby, Fabregas (Denilson, Rosicky, Wilshere)
Walcott, Van Persie, Arshavin (Vela, Chamakh, Rosicky)
The Lord Wenger has already said that we are going to have to watch out for the rugby tackles on the keeper, so that suggests he is going to brief the defence fairly and squarely on this one.
In the past, my requests to interview Sam the Very Big have fallen on deaf flesh, but I am thrilled to say that this year we’ve hit the head on the nail. Here’s what happen.
Billy: Mr Allardyce, your team has played two, scored two, let in two. Is that about what you want?
Mr A: We are not firing on all cylinders – and we won’t be for a while, so you can’t expect an instant goal scoring cure. But the fouling is coming along ok.
Billy: Are you in the market for more players then?
Mr A: I’m always in the market buying pigs trotters, tripe, pork pies…, but apart from that I want to buy a striker who can waste time and foul rotationally, but you will know good rotational foulers are hard to find – I normally have to train them personally.
Billy: Is it difficult to recruit players to play for a team in a city named after bleach?
Mr A: I’ve had a couple of bids for strikers turned down this summer, with the phrase “Play under a Slug you must be off your head” becoming a common statement among EPL’s less than finest. And I must admit there is a limited number of front men who are pathetically stupid enough to play for a club I manage. Anybody we get now is going to take a considerable amount of time to adjust to our system of rotational fouling. I don’t think we are going to find anyone from this country so it will take us until the best part of Christmas to get them up to being able to nudge, kick, elbow and waste time in the way we want.
Billy: But are you satisfied with your team?
Mr A: You have no idea! Nikola Kalinic, Martin Olsson and El-Hadji Diouf all need extra training – several times I have seen them actually attempting to play football! Our inability to take five minutes to take a goal kick, and to keep moving the fouling and shirt pulling around the field is a key factor. We have completely dominated the games in terms of fouls, created one or two chances, failed to take them, missed a penalty, hit the ref with a right hook, knocked the teeth out of two ball boys and killed the opposition’s mascot against Birmingham. It’s a start, but not enough.
Billy: So how do you approach the Arsenal game?
Mr A: The main thing is for us to kick the hell out of Arsenal for all 94 minutes of the game, waste time, use the elbows and allow me to do a lot of chewing. They have several new players who won’t have a clue about Notlob, so that should take them by surprise. If we get that right, we might make it.
Billy: Mr Slug, four years ago you said that your legal team would be suing the BBC after they did a programme concerning illicit players in which you featured. The BBC say they have not yet received the papers for the trial. Do you have any comment?
Mr A: Bloody Post Office!
Billy: Mr Slug, I’d say it has been a pleasure, but it hasn’t.
Mr A: It was all mine.
Billy: Next up, Phil Gregory’s preview of the match.
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