by Billy “The Dog” McGraw.
As Arsenal prepare to play Bolton, or as they are called locally, Blacheborne (a name which, as I mentioned ahead of the fixture last year, is taken from the Old English name for bleach) Untold Arsenal have had the privilege of an interview with Magnus Samo a notorious northern gangster whom the police have been after for several centuries.
But first, the ground of the back.
These days the old club (who last won the league in 1314 – just after lunch) is up for sale and Saurin Shah has made a bid of 2500 pobble beads.
This is, of course, the home of anti-football, rotational fouling, rotational time-wasting, and rotundial Sam.
Last season our comparative records went like this…
- Goals For Blackburn Heart of Satan 41 Arsenal 83
- Goals Against Blackburn Heart of Satan 55 Arsenal 43
- Shots Blackburn Heart of Satan 366 Arsenal 480
- Yellows Blackburn Heart of Satan 57 Arsenal 56
- Reds Blackburn Heart of Satan 2 Arsenal 1
- Fouls committed Blackburn Heart of Satan 561 Arsenal 471
Blackburn Average crowd 25.428,
Blackburn Capacity 31,154 (7,500 of whom are Fattus Sammus)
The fact that this most appalling of teams on got 561 fouls given against them shows how frightful they are, while the paltry 57 yellows shows how well they work rotational fouling.
The location
It is generally thought that most human activity in East Lancashire these days occurs on the hilltops and fans going to the match tomorrow will find examples of urn burials among the tumulus, near Pleasington Cemetery. Sacred springs are to be found thereabouts, especially on Railway Road.
Our team…
Almunia
Sagna, Koscielny, Vermaelen, Clichy (Gibbs, Eboue, Djourou)
Song
Diaby, Fabregas (Denilson, Rosicky, Wilshere)
Walcott, Van Persie, Arshavin (Vela, Chamakh, Rosicky)
The Lord Wenger has already said that we are going to have to watch out for the rugby tackles on the keeper, so that suggests he is going to brief the defence fairly and squarely on this one.
The Interview
In the past, my requests to interview Sam the Very Big have fallen on deaf flesh, but I am thrilled to say that this year we’ve hit the head on the nail. Here’s what happen.
Billy: Mr Allardyce, your team has played two, scored two, let in two. Is that about what you want?
Mr A: We are not firing on all cylinders – and we won’t be for a while, so you can’t expect an instant goal scoring cure. But the fouling is coming along ok.
Billy: Are you in the market for more players then?
Mr A: I’m always in the market buying pigs trotters, tripe, pork pies…, but apart from that I want to buy a striker who can waste time and foul rotationally, but you will know good rotational foulers are hard to find – I normally have to train them personally.
Billy: Is it difficult to recruit players to play for a team in a city named after bleach?
Mr A: I’ve had a couple of bids for strikers turned down this summer, with the phrase “Play under a Slug you must be off your head” becoming a common statement among EPL’s less than finest. And I must admit there is a limited number of front men who are pathetically stupid enough to play for a club I manage. Anybody we get now is going to take a considerable amount of time to adjust to our system of rotational fouling. I don’t think we are going to find anyone from this country so it will take us until the best part of Christmas to get them up to being able to nudge, kick, elbow and waste time in the way we want.
Billy: But are you satisfied with your team?
Mr A: You have no idea! Nikola Kalinic, Martin Olsson and El-Hadji Diouf all need extra training – several times I have seen them actually attempting to play football! Our inability to take five minutes to take a goal kick, and to keep moving the fouling and shirt pulling around the field is a key factor. We have completely dominated the games in terms of fouls, created one or two chances, failed to take them, missed a penalty, hit the ref with a right hook, knocked the teeth out of two ball boys and killed the opposition’s mascot against Birmingham. It’s a start, but not enough.
Billy: So how do you approach the Arsenal game?
Mr A: The main thing is for us to kick the hell out of Arsenal for all 94 minutes of the game, waste time, use the elbows and allow me to do a lot of chewing. They have several new players who won’t have a clue about Notlob, so that should take them by surprise. If we get that right, we might make it.
Billy: Mr Slug, four years ago you said that your legal team would be suing the BBC after they did a programme concerning illicit players in which you featured. The BBC say they have not yet received the papers for the trial. Do you have any comment?
Mr A: Bloody Post Office!
Billy: Mr Slug, I’d say it has been a pleasure, but it hasn’t.
Mr A: It was all mine.
Billy: Next up, Phil Gregory’s preview of the match.
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Wenger is a genius!
His ‘Rugby’ comments about Fat Sam’s tactics in conjunction with comment on the Stoke v Tottenahm affair i.e. Gomes getting punched during every set piece was a master-stroke.
Who was the Ref during that match? Foy.
Who is the Ref for the Blackburn game I wonder…
😀
I think Wenger has been reading untold. 🙂 And indeed it was a great thing to use Tottenhams keeper to point out what this fouling the keeper is all about.
And also it showed that when Stoke scored Gomes was brought down by his own player and this proves again that what I suggested a few weeks ago should be done: no defenders from Arsenal around our own keeper so the ref can clearly see that it is a Stoke/Blackburn player who is doing the fouling on the keeper.
Its quite simple. Blackburn will be demolished tomorrow. I hope we score more goals than we scored against blackpool. Now that will surely humiliate Allardyce. Go Gunners!!
As an aside… (and this is sort-of related Tony) I have another confession – I once gave Allardyce some proper abuse.
I’m a bit of a techno-nerd and I managed to get the frequency of his ear-set during the game in October 2009. We listened for the first half and some of the second and, as you can expect, big [fat] Sam wasn’t the most interesting of tacticians.
He was in the stands first half and had some chap in the stands with a monitor in the second half relaying information and orders such as:
“work the wings”
“Get it at big man”
And when they scored the second goal; a rather smug:
“That worked, big man every time”
Now – if you recall they were up 1-2 at one point… and all was right in Sam’s world.
It was at the exact point when Fabregas made it 4-2 that we broke radio silence. With rousing yelps of “how do you like that you big fat C*&T!” – and a lovely song that went “2-1 and you f*%cked it up” were among the transmissions. If you can get the highlights then please look at his face as the camera pans to him – as that’ll be me in his ear rubbing it right in.
They changed frequency… but we found it again and then it went dead – it ended 6-2.
I’m not proud of it but… oh ffs – yes I am, how often do you get a chance have Sam Allerdyces undivided attention and tell him exactly what you think? Come on – what would you have done?
Great days!
I suspect Wenger reads some of untold as the editor before it goes out, Walter…….probably one of those things Tony can’t tell us about, what with his relationship of trust with IG and all that!! Either that or some emotional synchronicity takes place from time to time……..
I’m sorry to say I went to watch Arsenal v Blackburn 3 times at Ewood Park and most times Blackburn played hard but fair. One win, one draw, one loss. One absolute howler from Lehmann. Of course, Big Sam wasn’t the manager then, but Mark Hughes was, so clearly in your eyes nothing will be different……..
I see that an extra 2.5 fouls per game transforms the angels of Arsenal into the worst foulers in the world, Blackburn Rovers. That’s one extra each 35 mins or so………hardly earth shattering, is it????
As Morten Gamst Pedersen is a bit of a waif-like creature, perhaps the big boys of Arsenal should target him for a bit of scything tomorrow?? Be subtle about it of course……..and strictly tit for tat. But tell the ref the players that Arsenal are targeting before kick off and make it quite clear to the ref that you don’t want to do it, but will if he allows any nonsense to take place. That’s what John Terry did last week. And his team won the League last season……
If you could produce a water pistol full of saliva to throw on at break downs to be fired at El Hadj Diouf, that would perhaps be a subtle way of getting the message across………and if Arsene could get Frank Warren to nominate a young heavyweight as the sponge carrier, then he could square up to Big Sam if things really got out of hand………
the manager of Notlob, . I would rather be a sari clad male sucking a mallard’s ice filling in a salad reclaim form than associate with that salaried clam. All those radical males should go smell a car aid before they worship Il Sacred Llama, only really a camel’s laird at best.
The first Blackburn player to “back into” Almunia tomorrow should have his achillies tendon sugically removed by stud.
We would see how enthusiastic his teammates are to reapeat the attempt after he is stretchered off.
Casual – just to clarify on the issue of anyone meandering off the topic.
I don’t get too worked up about this normally, but it is just when someone cuts right across a discussion that is underway and without any reference to where we are in our chat, and indeed without any apology drops straight into the discussion.
It’s like the standard pub bore. You are chatting away about the match, the weather, the beer, the physical attributes of the barmaid or whatever, and without a by or leave he just starts talking about grass cutting in Venezuela.
Most of the people who do it here, use the tactic as part of their anti-Arsenal approach. When its a friendly meander of the topic, no problem.
And Rhys – I appreciate the thought, but I have never met Mr Wenger, I have no contact with him, and (if you have looked at your membership DVD you will have noted) even my question to him was recorded just outside the ground on a matchday – which is where Mr Wenger does not tend to lurk.
I can’t imagine he reads any of this, but if any of his team ever stumble across it, then I’m honoured.
@Rhys Jaggar
Are you quoting from Opta stats? They lie! If you look at the Guardian chalkboard site (opta powered) they only reflect what the ref calls as a foul be it free kick or advantage.
When the ref gives you nowt – the stats give you nowt.
Tony on Casual:
Aside from your explanation, I believe Casual O. telling us that he hacked into Mr. Slug’s radio to give him an earache in a Billy “the Dog”‘s interview qualifies as very much on the topic.
I second the above, and add that if true, it’s bloody hilarious.
Pythonesque! Classic! Missed the dog! But one things been haunting me since last week: Cesc or Tomas?
0.9: I think Cesc’ll start, and I couldn’t find a berth for Rosicky anywhere in the side in my preview despite his impressive form.
Against the premiership equivalent of the population of “zombieland”, it is hard to imagine the midfield being other than Diaby Cesc and song. All tough tacklers with cesc pulling the strings.
Song is our best defensive MF cesc is the captain and Diaby will be needed for his height at set pieces. I was blown away by how good TR7 was last week but horses for courses on this one I’m thinking.
This actually leads to a more interesting question. Will THEO start or Arshavin. If Theo does it will indicate that this year finally he is THE MAN from AW’s point of view. If he is relegated to supersub status again it may only to protect a prize asset from “cloggerus maximus” treatment.
Most likey both RVP and SMACK both start. I suspect AW plans on going hell for leather out of the gate and catch Blackburn on their heels. When they are run ragged then bring on Theo to make a bad day somehow worse.
I recommend that all our players approach theirs in the tunnel and demonstrate to each of them how opposable thumbs work. and ask them to repeat the movement.
We should be 3 nil up by the time they work it out eh 😉
Here’s a novelty – Billy’s picked almost the same team as Phil Gregory.http://blog.emiratesstadium.info/archives/7322
@Fem Dee
Of course it’s true! And yes it was – no matter what happens I will always have the cherished memory of calling big Sam a fat c*&t right in his ear just after Cesc tore through scored that wonderful goal.
…Even now i get tingles…
Football matches don’t get much better than that.
I only took the kit along on the off-chance that I could snoop in on the ref/4th official mics – alas they were on an encrypted channel.