Greetins poms: Arsène’s huge down under!

Arsène’s huge down under

By Bruce

G’day all you whingeing Poms from the land Down Under, a paradise of amber nectar, aerial ping-pong and white pointers!!

Just stumbled upon your site as I was googlin’ Arse, now don’t get yer knickers in a knot, it is strictly research for my own gratification like and I red on a bit.

Just got back in from the pub with a gut-load of piss, been flat out like a lizard, drinking. Minding my own business watching Kylie the barmaid doling out the four X, great arse Kylie, when she walks looks like two dwarfs fighting in a sack.

Bloody oath I bumped into  to some tiny blow-in dill , bit of a raw prawn if you ask me looked like a good root and a fart would kill him. Strange looking mongrel, all pale with a head on him like a sucked mango. Strangest thing, he had a picture of a cock on his shirt.

Well blow me I thought, I’ll be buggered if I turn me back on this wombat. Looked as trustworthy as a Pakistani cricketer in bookies if you ask me.

Could tell for sure he was as cunning as a twitchy shit house rat and not enough brains to give him-self a headache. He was as miserable as a bastard on Father’s Day.  But just to be hospitable like I lent him an ear while I tucked into me Heart Starter..

Strewth that fella could talk, even for a two pot screamer, I swear he never stopped yakking even when I strode off to the dunny to siphon the python.

Started bitching like a love sick sheep on a drovers holiday about some fella up in Pomgolia who manages the Arse who is dead set doin real well for himself and his work mates.

Last time I met a bloke like him, was when I was burgled, took nothing of value but emptied the rubbish bin and me dog got pregnant.

Anyways, I was just finishing me 12th schooner when he’s calling you Arse’s ‘about as useful as tits on a bull’ and how his ‘Harry has you by the short and curlies’ and it’s as obvious as a shag on a rock, youse blokes will end up ‘skint in the old trophy department’.

No worries mate I said, I go and have a Captain Cook at this as the chance of him shouting a round looked as scarce as rocking horse shit.

So I threw a couple dozen tinnies in the old Holden Ute, for medicinal purposes only and shot through back to the farm.

Made it home in double quick time with a bit of the old lead foot and boy was I stoked, thought the missus had left me there for a minute.

But after a moment or two I remembered the old ambo driver had taken the Sheila to the hossie.

Recovering from a fair dinkum sex session where she was left walking bandy legged you ask…..?

Na silly cow burned herself on the Barbie, roasting a few snags and shrimps for me tea, so I reckon its starvation rations ‘til  brekkie when she gets out. I am so hungry I could bloody well eat the horse and chase the rider.

So here I am sat in me budgie smugglers as popular with the wife as a brown eyed mullet in the backyard pool checking you blokes out.

Well after considerable effort, reading ‘til I thought I would chuck, I reckon the bloke was so full of shit his eyes were brown. All that yak about you blokes being lower than a centipede’s scrotum was just a snow job.

The guts of it as I see it, is this.

You got a couple quid in the bank.

The Manager is spot on.

The competition is stuffed.

Get your slackers to go walk about.

Team is looking spunky.

Stop sooking like a sheep-shagged Skippy in a pink singlet and go and win.

I’m off down the TAB and put a couple a bucks on it.

Don’t let the bastards drag you down, I’ll check in again to see how youse get on.


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32 Replies to “Greetins poms: Arsène’s huge down under!”

  1. Bloody hell. As an Irish born Aussie Gooner mate, I got most of that. But not sure if your a gooner, a spud, or a collingwood supporter with too much time at the pub waiting for the gf replay. If your a spud, get stuffed. If your a collingwood supporter, get stuffed. If your a gooner, or lookin to follow the greatest team of all (not geelong) check And you know why its called ‘four x’ or ‘xxxx’? They can’t write ‘shit’ on the can!

  2. Wow born an raised Aussie and i rekon i’ve probably heard 3-5 people in my life who talk like this. By the way big misconception bout the shrimp on a barbie thing because we say prawn so it doesnt make any sense. However, i agree with the theme I’m a huge Arsenal fan who doesn’t by into the Armageddon/doom n gloom propaganda being flung around by some bloggers. We do however need to find some players who spend more time on the pitch and less on the medical table. I think Arshavin has been underrated in his effectiveness since arriving at Arsenal for this reason and the fact he almost always provides a goal/ assist.
    Was happy to be proven wrong by Fabianskis game the other day …… whether it convinced me as to his effectiveness i’m not so sure and would personally still love to see Mannone or Sczezeny between the sticks….

    Looking forward to the Chelsea game….. i think we will be a much better side if Song remembers he’s not Cesc

    And in all honesty without Fabregas and with the huge injury list its gonna place an awful lot of pressure on the young shoulders of Wilshere….. but i think Nasri can really establish himself as a true star in this game. It’s one thing to turn it on against West Brom but quite a larger and more significant achievement to do it at the Bridge. UP THE GUNNERS!!!!

  3. Such a stereotype of an Aussie, but its quite humorous. Throw a snag on the barbie, not a shrimp. haha

  4. Cant wait to hear this sites excuses come Monday morning, I Love a good chuckle to start the week.

  5. AKB hater – (what a charming moniker) I find it so delightful how angry, morons like you have reached a point where if you would rather lose so you can come on here and spout your ‘told you so’ bullshit. You actually choose to define yourself by hating the section of your own supporters who support the manager!?

    Newsflash for you titface – IF we lose to the one of the most expensive teams ever assembled who are playing at home and in rude form – it will not be the end of the world. It won’t even be the end of our season.

    You however will still be angry and full of spite. The kind of anger that eats at the soul as Wenger will still be here 2/3/4 years from now and you KNOW it. :0)

    It must be horrible for you almost willing your team to lose so you can prove you were right all along and that that Wenger is a senile cunt.

    Take your chuckles where you can but you have my sympathy – your life must be pretty empty that you take solace from gloating at your own kin over something you are powerless to change.

    It’s also the kind of spite that will shorten your life span but no one (not even yourself) can be under much of an illusion that will prove much of a disappointment.

  6. Scotty mate the the word is Aussie it’s only pronounced Ozzie. Australian slang, also known as Strine, is our special way of speaking. Words and phrases handed down from our ancestors and that has become iconic to Australia, and differentiated from the British English.It reflects the individualism and larrikin nature of of our country. So what does the culture of South Africa provide? The vuvuzela the sound ‘to of a goat on the way to slaughter’.

  7. @AKB Hater-How are you being an arsenal supporter? You’re already damning the team to lose before the game. Whatever the case maybe, no matter how ‘bad’ the players are, the least you could do is give them support when they play. If you had a kid an you know he sucks at football but he loves the game, would you tell him that he’ll lose the game before it started? Its no wonder people like you aren’t football managers, all of the clubs you would manage would probably lose mentally before the actual game

  8. No, he’s not a Tiny Tott. Remember, first articles posted here have to come via me, and although of course I could be could out (no infallibility quotient at the Untold Game Reserve) I do try and check.

    Second, one of the meanings of “Untold” is that I try and publish articles whcih are different from what others publish. They might or might not be to everyone’s taste, but if we don’t experiment we’ll never know. Every article we’ve ever done which has gone into new territory has had people complaining about it, but I judge the success on the overall response, and whether it seems to be breaking new grounds.

    Untold is a pro-Wenger Arsenal site, but I am always interesting in destroying boundaries and trying something new.

  9. I think “Australian English” is something like “Afrikaans” to me. A language born in Holland, brought to South Africa by the Dutch colonists.
    As a Dutch speaking person I can understand it most of the time. And to me it sounds very exotic and nice to be honest, I love to hear it speak.
    But I cannot speak it like it should be spoken.
    We over here tend to describe it as a language that has stopped developing in the past centuries in contradiction with Dutch which has been influenced by more other foreign languages.

    So developing some kind of other language or with other phrases and words is not that strange.

    Must say most of the article was a bit strange to me but I think this is down (not under) to the fact I feel already happy to understand English English. 😉

  10. And a big round of applause for Jonny.
    AKB Hater must have a very poor life….never being able to enjoy anyhting….

  11. Tony- I meant AKB hater the commenter, not the writer of the article (which I must say is quite something).

  12. Jeez… last time I caused this much rukkus was after I kissed a pommy girl and after a bit of sucking face, offered her, her chewing gum back.
    Apparently she hated chewing gum and how was I to know she had a heavy cold.
    You blokes obviously don’t do iron knee…
    Oh and AKB Hater, you are a dumb shit, whinging about a defeat before it happens just so you can tell everyone you knew best after the fact…. short poppy syndrome mate.. very short poppy.

  13. Don’t worry Slim, I understand where you are coming from. It is just a question that pops up whenever we try something new, so I was just trying to do the explanation early, rather than at the end.

  14. To be honest, I didn’t understand the article. I tried, but owing to my ignorance about Australian accent, and customs, I was unable to decipher this 🙁 I got that at some point of time author had large amounts of alcohol, probably because of a fight with a Spurs supporter, and then went home. But then, I totally lost it 🙁 Its great that Arsenal is followed down-under also, but can someone please give me a summary of this post in English? I really feel bad for not being able to follow it, and at the same time, with due respect to everyone Australian, I am also glad that none of commentators in PL speak this language 😉

  15. Bruce – you had me laughing throughout – I lived in Australia for a long time and whilst that vernacular is not used so extensively it certainly exists.

    The great thing about Aussie’s is they tell it ‘how it is’ and I took that the to be the point of the article.

    Plenty of sentences in Oz start with “Look mate, it’s simple…” even when describing quantum physics.

    My favourite terms of phrase were, and all of these are fair dinkum –

    “Get yer hand off it” – stop being a wanker/fool
    “Fuck me dead” – that was a surprise and no mistake
    “I’ll let that bad boy dry out a bit” – the person who just used the toilet has left something of a smell
    “off to the bottlo the get a slab” – I’m going to the off-license to get a crate of beer
    “We’re not here to fuck spiders” – We’re not here to do things by halves

  16. Wow! Bruce, that was refreshingly hillarious. Thank you.

    As for you AKB Hater, the saddest fact that you have to face is that you hate yourself more than anyone else. It is sad indeed that you are Sadder than sadness itself. Poor you!


    Hello all you Englishmen from Australia, a paradise of golden beer, Australian Rules Football, and great white sharks.
    I just found your site as I was googling Arsenal, now don’t get upset, it was strictly research for my own pleasure and so I read a little more.
    I recently returned from the pub with tummy full of beer, having been drinking rather heavily. At the pub I had been minding my own business, watching the barmaid, Kylie, pouring out the beer – she has a lovely bottom that Kylie. When she walks it looks like two dwarfs fighting in a sack.
    I swear, I bumped into an idiot who had just come in. I thought now there’s a surprise, there’s no way I’m trusting this fool. He looked as trustworthy as a Pakistani cricketer in betting shop if you ask me.
    It was obvious he was a cunning bastard but not very bright. He seemed as miserable as a man who’d never known his dad on Father’s Day. I listened to his troubles because I was feeling kind and just tucking into my first drink of the day.
    My goodness, that man could talk, even for a lightweight (can’t handle his drink), I swear he never stopped talking even when I went to the toilet to expel urine from my penis
    He started complaining like he was awfully unlucky in love, about some guy in England who manages The Arsenal who is unswervingly dedicated and doing extremely well, both for himself and his colleagues.
    Broadly speaking this guy was a nightmare – he’s the kind of person who would rob your house steal nothing, but go through your rubbish bins and fuck your dog.
    I was just finishing me 12th schooner (a schooner is a glass of beer in Australia it’s marginally bigger than a thimble but it stops the beer getting too warm) when the idiot started calling The Arsenal completely useless and stated that, as a Spurs fan, Harry Rednapp has you by the balls. It’s very obvious indeed to him that The Arsenal will end up with nothing in the trophy cabinet this season.
    “No problem mate” I said, and I go and have a look at this, as it was improbable to the extreme that this person was going to by a round of beer.
    So I threw 24 cans of lager in the old Holden Ute (a flat-bed pick up truck, very common in Australia), to make sure I had enough to see me through the night, and went home to the farm.
    I made it home really rather quickly by putting my foot heavily on the accelerator. When I got home I was delighted, the house was quiet, and I thought my wife had left me for a minute.
    But, after a moment or two, I remembered the ambulance had taken my girlfriend to the hospital.
    I imagine you’re thinking she was there because she was recovering from a big sex session and was, as a result, left walking gingerly with her legs apart?
    But no the silly girl burnt herself on the barbecue, roasting a few sausages and shrimps for dinner, so I reckon I’ll have to survive on what I can find until breakfast time, when she gets out. I am so hungry I could bloody well eat the horse chase down the man who was riding it and eat him also.
    So here I am sat in a pair of tiny, revealing underpants (or swimwear) and I’m about as popular with the wife as a shit in the swimming pool having a look at your Arsenal.
    Well after considerable effort, reading extensively until I thought I would throw up, I reckon the bloke was talking complete and utter nonsense. All that talk about The Arsenal being worse than imaginable was just bullshit.
    The essence of the issue, as I see it, is this.
    You are doing well financially
    The Manager is 100% right.
    The competition is in serious trouble
    Get those fans who aren’t pulling their weight to get lost
    The team is looking energetic and exciting.
    Tell them to stop sulking and to just go out there and win.
    I’m off down the betting shop to put a couple a pounds on it.
    Don’t let the bastards drag you down, I’ll be keeping an eye on them, to see how you all get on.

  18. Oi you cheeky monkey,

    Why is it that Shane Warne never got the captaincy? Oh yeah, for *coughs* ‘talking’ to a bookmaker. Bleeding ‘eck. Athlete’s and their gambling debts, when is it not a dodgy subject?

    Pour me another. Keep up the good work fella.:)

  19. I thank you Jonny. This was a great article in fact.
    Great work from Bruce, which I didn’t understand and great work from Jonny to make the rest of us understand it. 🙂

  20. Oh Jonny…. white poiners aint the shark white pointers mate

    Its the Sheilas new to the topless beach, white pointers….

  21. As a naturalized Yank from the beautiful island of Jamaica I am quite amazed I was able to understand everything in this article.

    Found it to be somewhat different, but had me in stitches.

  22. hilarious (even tho i could only guess at half of the post!)

    Jonny, very interesting the Aussie phrase “We’re not here to f#%k spiders” – i’m from Singapore, and “f#%k spider” is a phrase here connoting extreme frustration (mainly used by guys).

    hmm… can’t think of any other Arsenal blogs where we can get such meaningful cultural exchanges. :p

  23. Great article Bruce and Thanks Jonny for translation. I did understand some but not all… At school I only learned British English and American English comes from watching TV. And since they don’t show Australian TV shows (that I know of) here I can’t learn it.

  24. Thanks Bruce – I was genuinely confused at the white pointers!

    Noted and lodged for use next time I’m over.


  25. Wow, that was hilarious! And, having went through the article again, I can imagine, it would be a lot funnier to those conversant with the particular flavour of the language. Thanks a lot, Jonny! And, thanks to you too, Bruce!

  26. Can I add that when Untold started and the notion was around of doing a blog that contained stuff about Arsenal that had never been published before and probably would never be published, I never thought we would get this far.

    Utterly brilliant – both Bruce’s original and Jonny’s translation

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