Arsenal travel back to the future

Back to the Future – Arsenal 201

By Paul Blythe

As I stand here, piping hot coffee mug cupped in chilled hands staring out of the living room window through the distorting condensation, into the languidly lifting mists of the street beyond. I catch a glimpse of the lovely Christine, a woman of indeterminate age, impeccable taste and fabulous grace. She is energetically scraping the early morning ice off her windscreen, a prelude no doubt to her early morning ritual of splashing a kettle of boiling hot water over the glass to melt the remnants of frost she has missed. I often wonder why the glass doesn’t break, but I reckon someone somewhere has thought of that and with arsene like foresight has engineered a stupidity factor into the design.

Christine may not be the sharpest knife in the box, but she is remarkable for a number of reasons, not just the fact that she fills her diminutive dressing gown in a Ruben-esque manner but chiefly because she drives a De Lorean and it has an Arsenal sticker on the back.

With such a vivid and vibrant visual feast, no one could blame a fellow for letting his mind wander a little, a day dream, a waking dream of potential possibilities?

Ah the DMC De Lorean, now there was a car before its time, manufactured in still unfashionable and then violent Belfast; it was beautiful, much like its owner. Curvaceous stainless steel body, gull winged doors, the movie star of the Marty McFly trilogy, it was truly a time machine. Unfortunately the company ceased to be in the 80’s, a decade incidentally when Liverpool FC held sway winning a couple of FA cups, a couple of European Cups and more than a handful of League Championships and we could only boast a single success. How their worm has turned, and people complain about our temporary trophy hiatus!

If only I could take a trip with the voluptuous Christine’s De Lorean a year or few into the future. I wonder what the headlines of that day would hold regarding the mighty Arsenal.

A flight of fancy, an old man’s folly, or perhaps a glimpse into the possible reality of what Arsene and Arsenal is working towards.

Fades into dream sequence.

The Headlines read….

Tiny Tots Secure Olympic Stadium

Lord Saccharine upsets pornographers by securing Olympic Stadium for football. “It was the only course of action open to us.” He said. “Otherwise we would have to invest some of our ill gotten gains in rubbish like social housing and community facilities to secure planning approval……”

Shawcross Law

The over exuberant tackling of opponents was effectively banned today as the FA announced that the ban for serious foul play would equal the recuperation time of the injured player. In what has become known as Shawcross Law, a spokesman added that the commonly used defence of ‘he is not that kind of player and loves his mummy’ no longer holds water. In a landmark tribunal hearing a Sunderland player has been banned for up to two years for the double leg break of…..

Arsenal Open University of Coaching

Arsene Wenger was appointed head of the new Arsenal University of Coaching. Fresh from his team winning the quadruple Arsene Wenger has once again surprised the footballing fraternity by not moving up to the boardroom of Arsenal as expected. He has instead accepted the position of Professor of Coaching at the new Arsenal University. Coaches from around the globe can now benefit from…..

Allardice Sacked as Real Madrid Manager

Big Sam leaves a snail trail of regret as Real slump to their 7^th straight home defeat……..

Arsenal Complete Purchase of Barnet

Arsenal FC has today announced the completion of the purchase of Barnet FC. Barnet will become the new home of the Arsenal second string competing in the Championship. This will effectively allow the up and coming Arsenal Youth to play regular competitive football without sacrificing the Arsenal ethic of Total Football which often occurs when a player is loaned to another club…..

Arsenal’s Graduating Class

25 of Arsenal’s exciting crop of youngsters have been offered professional terms this year. Although fewer than last year, this heralds a new dawn in the development of the modern total footballer……

Arsenal Delights in Reputation as a Selling Club

For the fourth year running Arsenal FC have not ventured into the transfer market, yet have posted net outgoing transfer profits of £135M. A spokesman for the clubs revolutionary Youth Project said.    ” We are more than satisfied with the quality of our home grown talent.” He added “We will only buy when the manger has identified a weakness in our playing structure.” Clearly this is not the case as Arsenal won both the ……

Arsenalisation reaches Middle East

Not content with subsidiary clubs in the US, Australasia, Africa and South America. Arsenal FC announced today an official tie up with FC ….

Financial Fair Play rules extended to encompass salary cap

One of the worst kept secrets in Football, the much vaunted salary cap was officially announced today. Clubs will have three years to ensure that their total payments to players do not exceed 61% of …….

Video Evidence used to retrospectively punish violent play

Stoke City are nervously awaiting the verdict of the new Video Court. Uniquely they run the risk of 14 of their playing squad being banned for up to 18 weeks for dangerous play. The use of video playback means there is no hiding place for the ……

Arsenal field 11 home grown players all English

It seems a far cry from the early noughties when Arsenal fielded a team consisting entirely of  overseas players.  In what now appears to be a complete validation of Arsene Wenger’s then much maligned youth  policy. Arsenal fielded not only an entire team of home grown players, but they were all English…….

Arsene’s Apprentice

Pep Guardiola promises to keep faith with Arsene Wenger’s ‘revolutionary’  legacy of youth as he started his first day as Arsenal Manager today……

Inaugural Wengerball Tournament announced

The first Wengerball tournament will take place this July at the home of Arsenal FC. Wengerball is described simply as two-touch football. A player can only touch the ball twice before another player must make the next contact. Entries have flooded in from all of the powerhouses of European football, anxious to demonstrate their technical prowess in this most difficult of Footballing derivatives. A spokesman from Blackburn Rovers stated “We won’t be coming because it is obviously a …..

Fades out of Dream Sequence into reality.

Oh that reminds me.

Isn’t it a shame the De Lorean was not a convertible? I would love to see Christine’s with her top down….

Paul Blythe

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