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Revealed! All Arsenal Conspiracy Theories

Revealed! All Arsenal Conspiracy Theories

By Sammy The Snake

Let me start by stating that I’m only an innocent supporter with a twisted mind, who thinks the atmosphere in these parts of Untold has become far too dark. And with too much time on my hands, I attempt to go where no Gooner has gone before… I am opening the book of wonders, and revealing all the conspiracy theories about Arsenal’s plight over the current and last 9 seasons.

So, in no particular order, here it comes:

  • Patrick Viera left a hoodoo doll in our dressing room before leaving in 2005. All the board’s attempts in locating the said doll have proven futile.
  • Wenger is the actual owner of the club. Silent Stan & the Fat Uzbek are only “fronts” for the old man. That explains why Arsene is so stingy with the club’s money!
  • Emirates, the money-grabbing-good-for-nothing airline that has upset Lord Tony by not offering a sizable discount on his international travels, is bad luck. They carry a certain anti-trophy energy with them that destroys the prospects of any club sponsored by them. Here is the absolute undeniable proof:
  1. Arsenal, no need to explain, not to this audience anyway…
  2. Chelsea started winning silverware only after dropping Emirates in favor of that Korean tech-look-a-like company I never want to mention
  3. Hamburg (of Germany) where doing pretty well (top 4ish) until they signed with Emirates and started a flirting relationship with relegation
  4. Real Madrid, once the mighty Glacticos of the galaxy, have been reducing to nearly men after putting on their “Fly Emirates” shorts, err… shirts. They too have suffered unimaginably in the past week.
  5. Do I even need to mention A/C Milan? The giants have fallen so side ways that they’re thinking of rebranding the team “A/C Larnaca”.

I must admit PSG and Olympicos are two diversions from this theory, simply because they operate in one-horse races!

  • The tea lady at the Emirates Stadium has long lost the keys to the cupboard, in which Arsene keeps his tactical plans
  • There secretly is a prize for 4th, they just don’t televise it for fear of backlash from 2nd & 3rd teams!
  • Arsenal is a charity organization, and we dish out points to any club in need. Is your team relegation threatened? Please take a win! You want to stay at the top of the league? Oh, no worries, have 3 points on us. Moyes not doing well? Come on, what’s a few points between old rivals…
  • Arsenal’s main income stream is from match fixing for other teams. The “sustainable club” mantra is just a cover for the charity thing, which itself is a cover for the match fixing stuff…
  • Arsene Wenger is operated by Android, the popular smartphone operating system, but unfortunately, he has not been upgraded to version 4.2.2 yet!
  • This whole club management thing is best achieved by the nice mafia blokes in Fulham, the Russians at Chelsea… The best way to achieve results is holding on to your aging players and hire/fire managers every 6 to 9 months.
  • Arsenal can only start a season well (2007, 2013) or end the season well (2012, etc…). They still have not picked up the clues on how to start AND end well.
  • Dear Leader Kim Ill Chuck, the shining star of politics from North Korea, has made a threat to destroy the world if Arsenal wins any silverware… Hence, Wenger has to force the team to “fold” every time we get near to winning one!
  • Of course, I must not forget the popular choices by Walter about reasons for our shortcomings:
  1. Damned ref decisions
  2. Our uncanny stay on top of the injury league for a record number of years
  3. Just another/another/another bad day at the office
  4. Luck, or lack of
  • The playing pitches are always tilted, against any side of the pitch Arsenal are playing
  • Arsenal meet with the bear family every Saturday, and have porridge for lunch… which makes the entire team a bit sleepy, which explains our early kick-off troubles (I can swear this seems so real to me at this stage…)
  • It’s the media, I tells ya, the bloody media! You see, the media have employed an invisible transgender ball-operator to cause bother to Arsenal, its players and supporters. Can you imagine how much the media benefitted from our own-goal against the Swans? Well, the ball was put in the path of Flamini by the media agent…
  • Our competence level, financially, managerially or otherwise, is just about this. Suck it up!
  • Arsene Wenger never landed on the moon!

I could probably go on and on, but I hope you either know where I’m going with this or stopped reading quite a while back.

In any case, COYG!

The Books

 

Sammy The Snake

29 comments to Revealed! All Arsenal Conspiracy Theories

  • fatbog gooney

    What a load of bollards!

  • Jim Harbaugh

    Yawn…….

  • Spartan

    Untold…the real Arsenal die hards.When other so called fans are scared shitless of facing Shitty in our current form, we are looking forward to our boys giving Shitty real run of their oil money.

  • WalterBroeckx

    I think it is good once and a while to do this Sammy.
    Have a look at ourselves and have a laugh about ourselves. And this was a good way in doing it. I had a few chuckles while reading it 😉
    But I don’t agree with you saying that Wenger didn’t land on the moon… that is something we at Untold will not tolerate being said 🙂

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    I thought it was a good laugh too!Much needed as Doctor Brickfields has been relativity quiet.
    But there are more important issues at stake like persuading the paranoiac Untolders that they are just plain wrong.Good job you were wrong about the refs Walter, I knew you were just making those stats up at home!!

  • WalterBroeckx

    they caught me with my hands in the till Kenneth 😉

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    I bet that French Wenger blokes had his hands in the till too- and actually sponsors Untold underhand just to promote himself.Plenty of that going on at Untold!

  • nicky

    @Sammy,
    Is there any truth in the rumour that the whole of the Arsenal team are to have haircuts the same as Kim Ill Chuck?
    If so,there’s no way Sagna will stay….

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    No, truth in that it was put about by Le Grove Nicky…

  • Ray from Norfolk, Virginia

    Sammy,
    You forgot the conspiracy theory whereby only the Arsenal board believes FFP will happen, while all other clubs have been told secretly that it won’t.

  • Florian

    Sammy,

    I beg to differ. Most managers are stuck at version 4.4.2. Wenger is already at 4.5.1:)

  • Micheal Ram

    Sammy,

    You just recovered me from the hell I have been to for the past two weeks. Thanks man. Oh, by the way, do you Arsene Wenger is so coveted by the greatest club in the world that they sent an secret agent to screw him up at Arsenal FC so he can be free to take up the helm at the agent’s club? Guess, the agent must try harder cause its been 9 years since he started the mission.

  • ARSENAL 13

    Mr Wenger never landed on moon. No conspiracy there I guess……

  • Quincy

    Hahahahah! Excellent stuff, thanks! But you forgot that Ashburton Grove is built over an ancient burial ground, native American, no less.

  • Damilare

    Good writ Sammy. Thanks man.

  • Damilare

    Good writ Sammy. Thanks man!

    COYG

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Very nice Sammy , a good try but these AAAA types are sharp and have cotton on to the secretive way we AKBs brainwash them with these humourous and subliminal mind bending articles .As you can see it works as most of them have fallen for it and by not commenting negatively on it !
    Arsene did land on the moon .Where do you think those delicious French cheese is from ? All those mindless AAAA are transported to work on these cheese mines by special lunar beams !This done while they sleep .Why do you think they feel tired and lethargic ( and stupid) in the morning ? “Beam them up Scotty !”
    And it is a known fact that Arsenal FC are one the main cause of mental anguish in London ,and nearby areas .
    Many psychiatrists and psychologists have done so well in the last 10 years or so ,that the increase in sales of posh manors , luxury cars as well as travels overseas were attributed to doctors in this fields .

    And the EPL is not fixed .Please pass it on .

  • bjtgooner

    @Brickfields

    You mean the AAA are not really sewer rats….they’re space rats?

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ Kenneth – Was away from the computer as well as not able to watch the Sat. games as I was at the in-laws .
    Just got back and saw the highlights . Hope today’s games go our way too!

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ bjtgooner – more like spaced out ! Apparently their brains weigh less in outer space . Not sure if this is a good or bad thing ?

  • bjtgooner

    @brickfields

    Perhaps some oxygen starvation when beaming back to the sewers!

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    Hey Brickfields, missed you mate!

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ bjgooner – More helium instead ! Just imagine their voices – Micky & Minny mouse x high pitch x helium = ?
    EEEEKKKKKKKK !!!!!

    @ Kenneth – Thanks .Normal service will resume tomorrow.
    Only one joke in my e-mail today and have posted it on a another article.

    Will be supporting the Spuds against the Liverpuddle today – just because ! Will not be too shattered if its a draw or loss either .My reward will be seeing the expression on my Chelski supporting son’s face !
    Last night ‘s loss made me so happy that I slept half a day !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    1-0 !.This looks like fun. Goodnight, guys .

  • Brickfields Gunners

    The Opening

    An AAAA went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his application, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

    The employer read all his application and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”

    “Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”

    “It’s called the door!”

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Once is enough ?

    A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came over and asked “What can I get you to drink, sir”?

    The gentleman responded, “Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn’t like it, and never tried it again.”

    The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly, outgoing sort, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman a cigarette.

    The gentleman refused, saying, “I tried smoking once, didn’t like it, and never did it again. The point is, I wouldn’t be in here at all, except that I’m waiting for my son.”

    The bartender retorted, “Your only child, I presume?”

  • Brickfields Gunners

    The Perfect Fit

    A woman went to the men’s section of a department store and asked the salesman to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When the salesman asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

    “I don’t know his size,” she said, “but my hands fit perfectly around his neck.”

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Magical night

    The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom. But the bride pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars.

    “Dear,” asked the somewhat impatient husband. “Aren’t you coming to bed?”

    “No,” she announced. “My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don’t want to miss a single minute of it.”

  • Brickfields Gunners

    The Marriage Dictionary!

    http://www.ba-bamail.com/Content.aspx?emailid=9242&memberid=763708#.UzkQb6K6ETE

    A new dictionary is soon to come out, defining some issues in marriage that people were curious about. Here are some of the definitions we thought we’d offer to include in it:

    Bachelor
    1. A man who has been able to avoid the opportunity of making some woman miserable.
    2. A man who is said to be foot-loose and fiancee-free.
    3. A man who never made the same mistake once.
    4. A bad boy who has cheated some poor girl out of her alimony.
    5. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
    6. The only man who has never told a wife a lie.

    Bride
    A girl with great prospects of happiness behind her.

    Compromise
    A nice little arrangement between husband and wife whereby they both fully agree to let her have her own way.

    Diplomat
    A man who is able to convince his wife that a fur coat would make her look fat.

    Gentleman
    A husband who holds the stepladder tightly so his wife doesn’t fall while she’s painting the ceiling.
    A man who notices his wife dropping her knitting and immediately kicks it over to her so that she can pick it up.

    Housework
    What a wife without anyone noticing it until she doesn’t do it.

    Husband
    A man who has decided to give up privileges he never knew he had.
    A guy who controls the house and everyone in it, and is allowed by his wife to say so.

    Joint Checking Account
    A great little device which allows a wife to beat a husband to the draw.

    Love
    An obsessive delusion easily cured by a wedding.

    Mother-in-Law
    A woman who slowly destroys a man’s peace of mind by telling him what’s on hers.

    Mrs.
    A job title involving long duties, very light earnings and zero recognition.

    Spouse
    Someone who will protect you, help you and help you solve all the problems you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.

    Wife
    A partner who is always complaining that she doesn’t have a thing to wear at the exact same time she complains about not having enough room in the closet.