By Sir Hardly Anyone. Bart.
One year ago we started this as a bit of a joke – listing every single player that some semi-sober journo in a pub suggested was about to join or leave Arsenal. We ended up with well over 100 joiners – with only 3 of which were correct. The leavers list was just about as inaccurate.
So when we started again this season we all assumed that it would be another round of much the same. What we did not expect were headlines such as “Ten players the Gunners could sign this summer, from Sead Kolasinac to Arda Turan” (Guardian), or Arsenal transfers: 10 strikers Arsene Wenger could sign – Telegraph.
Nor even Who will your team buy? The top 100 targets in the summer transfer window. I mean I know they copy our ideas and all that, but really??? The only things they haven’t got is the chart, the use of the word Index, or my name.
Mind you not everyone is there. The Mirror didn’t quite catch on with “5 players Arsenal will target this summer”. Still there is plenty of time to go.
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So let’s see just how far the drunks in the bars have got… As before the new entries are cunningly disguised with the word “New” written next to them.
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| No | Player | Club | Position | Notes |
| 1 | Tammy Abraham | Chelsea | Striker | Currently on loan to Bristol City |
| 2 | Marcelo Allende | Deportes Santa Cruz | Attack m’f | Had 3 trials, training with first team. Signing today!!!! Actually that was two weeks ago. |
| 3 | Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang | Borussia Dortmund | Forward | £80m to replace Alexis. Man U want him |
| 4 | Carlos Bacca | AC Milan | Striker | He’s 32 years old. Was going to WHU |
| 5 | Gareth Bale | Real Mad | Striker | Stan Collymore tipped this one. |
| 6 | Ross Barkley. | Everton | Attack mid | Been there since 2010 and played 150 games – does he really want to come to the Emirates? |
| 7 | Karim Benzema | Real Mad | F’wd | Definitely going to either AFC or Chelsea |
| 8 | Andrea Belotti | Juventus | F’wd | Sadly he has just signed a new contract |
| NEW | Josh Bowler | QPR | Midfield | A youngster Everton offered £3m for |
| 10 | Joel Campbell | Return | F’wd | Loan period ending |
| 11 | Iker Casillas | Porto | Goal | To solve our goalkeeping “crisis” |
| 12 | Kingsley Coman | Juventus | Wing | On loan with Bayern this season |
| NEW | Sebastien Corchia | Lille | Right back | He’s French, and he’s Italian, and he is playing for the under 21s. |
| 14 | Virgil Van Dijk | Southampton | Defence | Helps us play a back 3 all the time |
| 15 | Ederson | Benfica | Goal | 23 year old to replace Cech |
| 16 | Emil Forsberg | RB Leipzig | Midfield | He’s Swedish and he’s 25 years old |
| 17 | Jose Luis Gaya | Valencia | LB | Man City winning the race |
| 18 | Ben Gibson | Middlesbrough | Centre back | £30m. Tottenham want him. |
| 19 | Leon Goretzka | Shalke | M’fld | £21m, 1 yr left on contract. Wanted to replace Ozil (Most quoted story by far) |
| 20 | Amine Harit. | Nantes | M’fld | Arsenal have given him a trial. He is 19-years-old |
| NEW | Thorgan Hazard | Borussia Monc etc | Attack M’fld | He’s Belgian, he’s 24 years old and he’s the brother of Eden. |
| 22 | Lorenzo Insigne | Napoli | F’wd | Liverpool! are on alert! |
| 23 | Jakub Jankto | Udinese | M’fld | To play alongside Xhaka |
| 24 | Naby Keïta | RB Leipzig | Right back | Has refused to sign a new contract |
| 25 | Grzegorz Krychowiak | PSG | Def M’fd | New in the sense that this is the first entry for him this year, but it is the third year he has been tipped to join us. |
| 26 | Koke | Atl Madrid | M’fld | Replacement for Santi Cazorla |
| 27 | Dawid Kownacki | Lech Poznan | Striker | the new Robert Lewandowski’ |
| 28 | Sead Kolašinac | Schalke | Defender | Oh yes he has oh no he hasnt |
| 29 | Kylian Mbappe | Monaco | F’wd | The new Thierry Henry Story repeated all this week. He’s the 18 year old wonderkid |
| 30 | Alexandre Lacazette | Olympique Lyonnais | Striker | Man City want him. Story has just resurfaced in the Guardian. |
| NEW | Mario Lemina | Juventus | Cent mid | He’s 23, previously with Lorient and Marseille. |
| 32 | Romelu Lukaku | Everton | Forward | Dead cert to join AFC |
| NEW | Henry Onyekuru | KAS Eupen | Forward | He’s 19 usually plays on the left, one for the future. |
| 34 | Florentin Pogba | St Etienne | Defender | Brother of Paul at Man U |
| 35 | Leandro Paredes | Roma | Midfield | A story from last year now resurrected |
| 36 | Jordon Pickford | Sunderland | Goal | Although Mr W has said he is not looking to sign a keeper. Man U, Everton and Liverpool want him |
| NEW | Marco Reus. | Borussia Dortmund | Alexis 2 | But he’s injured and the transfer is off, although we might still do it |
| 38 | James Rodriguez | Real Madrid | Midf/wing | Juventus Milan Man U all want him |
| NEW | Oriol Romeu | Southampton | Def m’fld | He’s gone from Barcelona to Chelsea who kicked him out and now Southampton, and Barce want him back. Same old! |
| 40 | Ivan Perisic | Inter | Midf/wing | Man U desperate for him |
| 41 | Kasper Schmeichel | Leicester | Goal | The man to solve our goalkeeping “crisis” |
| NEW | Patrik Schick | Sampdoria | Forward | 21 years old and everyone but everyone is after him |
| 43 | Michaël Seri | Nice | Midfield | Tottenham, Barcelona and PSG want him. |
| NEW | Chris Smalling. | Man U | Centre back | Played 153 times for Man U. |
| 45 | Wojciech Szczesny | Roma loan | Goal | Mr W. said that he is not looking to sign a keeper (allegedly) so everyone assumes it is Szcz’s return |
| 46 | John Terry | Chelsea | Nasty | This story from the Daily Mail |
| 47 | Corentin Tolisso | Lyon | M/fld or F’wd | French international, dreams of Arsenal. Still being mentioned |
| 48 | Arda Turan | Barcelona | M’fld | He’s 30 years old |
| NEW | Marco Verratti | PSG | Central M’fld | He’s not going anywhere. Absolutely not. Nowhere. Never. Not now, not later. Not at all. Oh…. |
| 50 | Jack Wilshere | Bournemouth | M’fld | 75% of guys in the pub want him back |
So there we are – up to 50 and the window is still 28 days away. Pretty amazing stuff.
Part 2: The players already said to be on their way out
| No | Player | Club | Notes |
| 1a | Alexis | Man C | Guardiola making £50m offer his summer priority |
| 1b | Alexis | Chelsea | Will play out contract and go on a free to Chelsea. |
| 1c | Alexis | Man U | Has already agreed deal |
| 2 | Krystian Bielik | Birmingham | City keen to extend loan for another year. |
| 3 | Bellerin | Barcelona | Barce will sign him; no, he is happy to stay |
| 4 | Campbell | Fenerbahce | Currently in talks to sign |
| 5 | Francis Coquelin | Valencia | This story has been going on and on and on and |
| 6 | Olivier Giroud | Marseille | He wants to play more games. |
| 7 | Jenkinson | Newcastle | Just promoted, need players |
| 8 | Koscielny | Marseille | He’s just had enough |
| NEW | Monreal | Athletic Bilbao | No reason, he’s just off. |
| 10 | Ospina | Fenerbahce | Some are just saying “to Turkley” |
| 11 | Ozil | Real Mad | They realise they should have kept him |
| 12 | Lucas Perez | PSG | He’s an “outcast” according to “reports” |
| 13 | Wojciech Szczesny | Napoli | Every newspaper seems to have this one. |
| 14 | Nathan Tella | Southampton | Deal done and completed |
| 15 | Theo Walcott | West Ham | Ray Wilkins says he must leave to protect his career |
The squad is 25 players strong plus a couple of loanees, and we have already got rid of 15 of them. This is amazing stuff.
- It is getting to the stage that what the UK media doesn’t tell us is a lot more interesting than what it does
- Why Untold might be reaching the end of its time, and how we can influence the future.
- Arsenal fans appear to be ready to cull a huge part of the current squad.
You forgot 1d:
Alexis Bayern Munich Because Vidal told him to move to a ‘big club’.