By Dr Billy “the Dog” McGraw, senior psychologist at the University College Hospital of the North Circular Road with apologies to China Miéville.
There are two Arsenal’s: The Arsenal and The Arsenal. They sit next to each other but to each the other does not exist. You cannot be in both and cannot easily travel from one to the other. Be in one and it is hard to understand that the other exists, could exist or even why it should exist.
In The Arsenal there is a new manager with a fantastic track record of winning trophies both with the biggest of clubs and lesser clubs. A manager who has been a major success in his last two jobs winning trophies all the way. A manager experienced at working with the team of players and the team of lawyers, transfer agents, contract writers, fitness experts and the like that make up the modern club.
In The Arsenal there is only incompetence and indecision. Possible transfers are bungled allowing other clubs to move in. Contracts are poorly written, players want to leave, the wrong men are signed, transfer fees never maximised. Even people with no experience of football management, or come to that experience of any type of management of a company, are able to point out the faults and could do better if only they were given a chance.
The Arsenal and The Arsenal exist alongside each other. Each can be glimpsed by the other but rarely is, simply because it is so difficult to see that the Arsenal other than The Arsenal exists.
In this world of The Arsenal and The Arsenal rumours abound but because the club is in a state of incompetence modeled perhaps on the Football Association, the rumours are never fulfilled.
When The Arsenal announces ‘Phenomenal’, ‘Signing of the season’ – The Arsenal fans are elated with links to perhaps a
(For the record the invention by The Arsenal is of PSV Eindhoven player Hirving Lozano according to Football Fan Cast was reported in Publimetro and then picked up by The Arsenal. But not by The Arsenal.
The Arsenal in the shape of the Daily Express tell us that Arsenal are going to sign Cristian Pavon. The Arsenal in the shape of the Daily Express tell us The Arsenal’s bid has been dismissed as mere wishful thinking by The Arsenal. Meanwhile The Arsenal never thought about the player and never made the bid at all.
Arsenal Fever tell us The Arsenal has contacted PSG concerning Goncalo Guedes a 21 year old forward from Paris Saint-Germain, according to reports in Cadena COPE. That is Cadena de Ondas Populares Españolas a Spanish radio station. No way of checking of course. The story was in the Metro, well know advocates of The Arsenal. That was in
Of course occasionally The Arsenal catches a glimpse of The Arsenal as when Sky tell us that “Arsenal are likely to be able to conclude a deal to sign Lucas Torreira this summer, says Dharmesh Sheth”. But this is The Arsenal, in which world the source of a story can be the TV station’s own reporter. It is true because we said it. That’s The Arsenal. The source is the outlet, which is clever. Even a drainpipe doesn’t claim to be the source of the water that flows down it.
But The Arsenal is often contradictory as the Express tells us that “Lucas Torreira rejected Gunners medical in surprise revelation.” The Arsenal thus fractures into The Arsenal and The Arsenal but it is always different from being The Arsenal.
Stories from The Arsenal come from nowhere – as with Arsenal ‘considering move for Senegal’s World Cup 2018 star M’Baye Niang’ in the Daily
As a result The Arsenal becomes a confusing land in which supporters say “I don’t understand” as in the Football FanCast headline “Don’t understand” … What they don’t understand is why we are giving away Ospina when we could sell him. And why don’t they understand? Because they are in the world of The Arsenal, instead of The Arsenal. In the world of The Arsenal nothing makes sense.
In the world of The Arsenal there is a realization that 97% of what is said in newspapers and blogs about The Arsenal is untrue, a fantasy to trap readers into a make-believe world in which they can exist with their chums seeing an Arsenal that doesn’t exist. It is a world of misery and failure, with incompetent managers, idiot executives, and the like bumbling and failing to make transfers. In this world nothing makes sense.
Alongside it The Arsenal exists in a world in which most years the club makes three or four transfers and plays these players. As with all other clubs some of the transfers work, some of them don’t.
In the world of The Arsenal Aaron Ramsey will be as great as Zinedine Zidane if only he could overcome the fact that he isn’t as great as ZZ except in flashes. Or as the article says, “Ramsey has only ever been at these moment ary peaks for moments.” And for a second The Arsenal and The Arsenal meet as those of us with The Arsenal can agree because haven’t we all had that feeling that Pain the Arsenal express. Having momentary peaks for moments.
But such joning of The Arsenal and The Arsenal last just seconds and slips apart. In The Arsenal “Ever Banega set to turn down Arsenal manager Unai Emery” (The Sport Review) but at The Arsenal there never was an attempt to sign Ever Banega no more than there was for the other 97%.
At The Arsenal the players are awful, and everyone with any sense can immediately see it as we find with Football London’s headline, “A poor man’s Senderos!’ – Some Arsenal fans call on club to sell defender amid Juventus interest. The player is Mustafi – picked on after the interest in knocking Xhaka died away a little.
But The Arsenal doesn’t ask: if Mustafi is so bad why do Juventus want him. Only in The Arsenal do people say, “how come it is only you who see Xhaka as awful?”
We have called them the Anti-Arsenal Arsenal – the AAA – but they call themselves The Arsenal. We call ourselves The Arsenal. The Arsenal and The Arsenal. There is no connection. We are worlds apart.
Arsenal sign Greenwood, Europa begins, Man C out of players, vicars upset, ineffable Kane
England v Sweden: the Untold prediction. Will our run of correct predictions continue?
very good
I agree with Dr Billy. Stories about The Arsenal, as opposed to The (real) Arsenal, are invented by journalists and wannabe journalists trying to make money by exploiting the credulity of the fans.
the journalists re cretins. So re Gunner’s bord
What a fantastic article. Thanks, or should I be thanking Dr. McGraw, that is not Dr. McGraw, but Dr. Mcgraw, the other one, or is it this one?
Thanks anyway.
For my part I will continue to support Arsenal, whatever happens, (or is it Arsenal?)
A comment on journalist “objectivity” following Colombia v England.
Pickford; rating 8. “England’s penalty-saving hero.”
Ospina; rating 5. “Only managed to save one penalty in the shoot-out”
This is on top of Ozil and Xhaka being solely responsible for their respective countries’ defeats.
No doubt it will be Welbeck’s fault if England lose. Carlos Vela escaped the blame for Mexico’s exit, presumably because he is no longer with Arsenal.
An excellent analysis doctor.
I chortled aloud when I read this in the Daily Cannon
“Spanish outlet Sport report the findings from El Centro Internacional de Seguimiento Deportivo (The International Centre for Sports Monitoring), claiming Özil’s value has dropped from €54.6m to €50.6m as a result of the tournament. €4m is the greatest drop in value of any World Cup players.
It’s not just the Arsenal playmaker suffering though. Close behind are Marco Asensio and Isco of Real Madrid, dropping €3.7m and €3.1m respectively. Clearly Spain and Germany’s struggles have had a negative effect on some of their star players.”
Let’s give them a great deal of leeway and assume there actually is some credibility to the story. At what point does anyone with any bloody common sense equate the largest drop in ability as directly related to a monetary amount? By implication the story directly implies that a player whose price is arbitrarily set at £1,000,000,000 and which is arbitrarily decided has dropped by £5 million, has now become a poor player. Another story (with no evidence) used to knock Ozil. Were there any players whose value drop from £20 million to £18 million for example? This would obviously constitute a far greater drop in percentage terms i.e. in how much worse they had become relative to their original value.
My penultimate question, not unnaturally, is; who the hell are El Centro Internacional de Seguimiento Deportivo and what criteria do they use to make up this rubbish?
My final question. The name ‘Daily Cannon’ would suggest that the blog ought to be pro-Arsenal. Why therefore are they not rubbishing this story rather than trying to give it credibility? Or better still just ignore the crap in the first place.
Thank you to everyone who appreciated this piece in Untold. Maybe we should do it regularly.
Dr.Billy, I would recommend that the real Arsenal be known henceforth as The Arsenal and that the aaa version be known as The Arsehole,,,,,,that way we will understand immediately and not become confused like the aaa who don’t realize that they are the least palatable part of the Arsenal body..basically you are talking about two mutually exclusive entities, The Arsenal….the club we all love as true supporters and The Arsehole….the ephemeral strawman that the aaa and the media have erected to throw shite at, because, well…..because.
Thanks to my search for a positive platform where Arsenal news is disseminated, I happened upon this site around 10 yrs ago. The knowledge and facts I have gathered here(and continue to gather) over the years has made such a difference on how i view Arsenal news. This article is one of such that endeared me to this site. Kudos Dr. Billy!
I only support The Arsenal – that of my childhood and of my dreams , that only play the most exalted and most beautiful form of football. And as it should be played and enjoyed.
I refuse to be in any way to be drawn or attracted to the Arsenal of others’ envisagement – where their wish is for the brutes and the uncouth to ‘get stuck in ‘ and ‘win dirty’ at all cost.
Life is better (for me) without me having to think of or worry about others unhappiness with their Arsenal . Nor of the fan divide . Nor why our former players seem to be so ungrateful , and critise the current players. Nor why they cannot see the crooked agenda of the media and PIGMOB .
Am sure the truth shall be revealed in due time , or finally at the pearly gates . I hear that St. Peter is a devout Arsenal fan !
The truth eventaully comes out, usually to late for the subject, and those subjected to the impacts of the deceit.
It gets whole heartedly crazy, criticise someone, the more accurate you are, the more likely they are to turn to someone and beg favour. Female is attracted to you, you blow cold, she will turn to another guy she has already made your subbordinate mentally if not literally and attempt to curry favour. This individual, without principle, or any foresight and seemingly reticent of hindsight, will accept the curried, neuter and screw his face up at you then turn to the female and pull the quizzical “I don’t know what his problem is” face.
And so she never understands the cause for your lack of affection, he continues to abase himself for later use and so on…..
Arsenal fools because you can’t call them fans, or Gooners, or even fanatics, but those fools are just like ego-defficient bitches….. don’t like it, put on I’m a diva extremely loudly and storm out of the stadium, imagine they were even so considerate as to dedicate the tickets to charity, sighting their collective displeasure, but giving to children with terminal illnesses, or debilitating conditions.
NO……