There I was, pausing in my busy daily schedule of writing stuff, to take a quick Florida Salad Sandwich, when the news pops up.
Arsenal will sell Cesc for £40 million.
And you know it must be true because it is in that central and vital source of all news about Arsenal, the people on the pulse, the people who can stroll next door and ask the question.
Yup – The TIMES OF INDIA hath spoken, and it says, Cesc can go.
So I thought, why don’t we cover all the other big stories, as revealed by the main and important journalistic centres of the universe, so that people who believe everything that turns up in the paper can get their fill.
Here we go….
Milan are willing to give Flamini back to Arsenal. (The Dandy)
Adebayor is going to play for Athletico Madrid (The Eagle)
Robin Van Persie tricked everyone at the club by signing his new contract with the name Mickey Mouse, and is off to Spain (Enfield and Walthamstow Gleaner)
Kolo Toure is off to Tottenham (Tiny Totts)
Carlos Vela was about to sign for Inter before suffering an injury in the early minutes of his last international (Wood Green Weekly Review and Soothsayer Analysis)
Michael Jackson is alive and living with Elvis on the dark side of the moon (Daily Sport)
Eduardo is moving to Birmingham City (Lands End Analysis)
Arsenal are moving to Woolwich (Tashkent Bugle)
Michael Owen is going to Manchester IOU (Antiques Weekly)
Jamie McSporron wins competition for best name of a footballer ever (Gillette Soccer Saturday, Sky Sports 1)
Paul Ince has gone to Milton Keynes (Isle of Man Pirouette)
Gabriel Obertan will join Arsenal next week (The Fermanagh Farmer)
Arsene Wenger’s gone on holiday (Co Wicklow Advertiser incorporating Veterinary Surgeon’s Holiday Weekly)
Arshavin is leaving because of his tax bill (Daily Mail incorporating The Mud Slinger)
The kid who is in Harry Potter, not the one who plays Potter but the other one, has got Swine Flu. (Exchange and Mart)
Zyklo Xemyjok signs for the Scrabble company. (Readers Digest)
Yeah, well, you get the point. It’s a case of look at the rumour AND look at the source. If it is the Daily Mail, Star, Sun, Express, Mirror, then it is completely made up. If it is the Times of India, the Hindustan Metamorphosis or Fortune Teller’s News, it is just repeated from the Mail, Star, etc etc.
If it is in the Times it is untrue, but was planted there by someone having a laugh, and the player doesn’t exist anyway.
If it is on Untold Arsenal then it will soon be on Team Talk.
(Actually now that would be funny in relation to this article).