Oh what to do in Cripplegate Week – the week when all our top stars go off and get injured while playing not for the Arsenal who pay their wages but for a bunch of morons called “international managers” who treat them with utter contempt.
Well, the first thing is, if you fancy doing a spot of writing the wonderful HIGHBURY HIGH will be back at the next home game. If you do want to write, and can write quickly (you only have a couple of days to do it) please email email@example.com urgently.
And while not writing let us pray for our brave lads getting their legs broken in foreign fields (or in the case of sweet Theo being mercilessly removed from reality while sitting on the bench) (pesky things those benches).
Come back home fit and well our brave lads! (We can but hope).
Meanwhile, when not writing for Highbury High, and not praying for our lads, we can do little but sit and twiddle those bits of the anatomy that are twiddleable and seek solace in the wider world of football.
Thus it is that as a public service I offer you some of the most jolly stories of the last few days.
First, and I kid you not on this one, Untold received this email in its ever growing correspondence box…
Yes, well. You have to read it twice to even begin to understand that rather than being a Scouser rant it actually makes no sense at all. But then come to thing of it, the two are synonymous.
Next onto that awfully nice John Terry who has said (and in public no less) that he genuinely believes English players are too honest to dive.
“I think we’re too honest, sometimes even in the Premier League you see the English lads get a bit of contact and stay on their feet and try and score from the chance they have been given.” So that would be “too honest” as his mum is “too honest” (having accepted a caution from the police for shop lifting – a caution in English law meaning you admit you have done it). Or come to that like most of the England team who of course never dive. Rooney? no! Gerrard? no! etc etc.
Anyway if that is not enough try this one to contemplate over your pint. Chelsea are now being accused for kidnapping an 11 year old from an amateur team in Marseille.
Apparently the story is that the boy’s parents had split up and both the mother and father were trying to have custody. In order to make it harder for the wife, the father then offered the lad to the KGB in Fulham, and they snatched him. (You think I am making this up don’t you, but I assure you I am not).
Chelsea deny all wrong doing. They also deny that Buddhism is dedicated to the overthrow of governments by violent means, that the moon is made of green cheese, and the London Underground is a hippy revolutionary movement. Which goes to show you can’t trust anyone these days.
Anyway, speaking of something rather nasty sticking to your shoe in West London, it seems that although the BBC did a film in 2006 about Frank Arnesen (the Tiny Totts lovable rogue of a youth development officer who was stolen by, oh, I don’t know, who was it, oh, what’s that club in west London called…) tapping up the Middlesbrough kiddiewink Nathan Porritt. And it seems the Sweet FA have done nothing, interviewed no one, and said nothing.
It is good to see that the FA are on top of the game – but then I suppose they are so busy preparing to injure our players to worry about the tapping up of young players.
What else? Oh Disgraceful Amazon have stopped selling the Pedophile Song but have failed to issue an apology, or even reply to my email. ITunes is still selling it. It has been suggested that play.com is selling it, but I can’t find it on their site – if you have seen it there, can you let me know the page ref?
And so that’s about it. Don’t forget Highbury High if you want to write an article for the next edition.
I shall spend the next week playing, “Falling in love is so hard on the knees” by Aerosmith. Such a jolly little tune.
(c) Tony Attwood 2009
PS: In case you think some of these articles are getting a bit, well, weird, it is because I have found that when what I write has a strangeness quotient of over 9.3 on the Refrigerator Scale, Team Talk doesn’t nick it.