Way back before the dawn of the space time continuum I worked as a writer of (among other things) science fiction books of the Doctor Who and Blake’s 7 variety.
So I know all about temporal distortions, reversing the polarity, and “Absolute zero sub-ether technology,” which Avon described as “clever stuff.”
Which is why I can be fairly certain that our regular writing mate Phil Gregory has slipped into a region of black force and is being accelerated faster than the speed of light and is thus going backwards in time.
Nothing else can explain the fact that in his email to me on Friday afternoon he sent me not a preview of the game against the Evil Beings from the northern wastelands but instead a preview of the Burnley game.
So if you are out there Phil, drifting in the primeval tomato soup do send me the details of the game against the Foul and Festering Fiends.
In the meanwhile and to pass the time of day, here’s the visionary forebodings of Billy the Dog McGraw.
“Have you seen the review of MAKING THE ARSENAL on http://www.omnifootball.co.uk/2009/12/review-making-the-arsenal ” Bill asked.
“Oh you mean the review at http://www.omnifootball.co.uk/2009/12/review-making-the-arsenal/ ” I replied. “Yes I think I have. Quite jolly.”
“Quite jolly indeed,” said Billy.
“So what about the game?” sayeth I.
“On March 17 Hull Spitty sank to a level below that of the temperature of background radiation,” Billy told me, nursing a treble whisky and blancmange kipper at the Topple Bollard. “The club made three allegations that were so bizarre, so insane, so outrageous and so pathetically childish that no one this side of Betelgeuse could believe it. Except of course the FA.
“The fact was that the Brown Being who manages Hull Spitty was about to face the FA on serious charges, and made a series of improper statements concerning the referee at the Ems game, and so he and his chums invented a charade in order to divert attention from the forthcoming trial.
“The Brown entity said Fabregas had illegally entered the field of play, had been dressed in an aggressive and improper manner on the field of play, and had spat in the general direction of the Horton life-force.
“Everyone was charged: Fabregas for the three allegations, the Brown being for saying rude things about the ref, and the second ball boy from the left for not throwing the ball in fast enough. Brown also brought charges against 17 blades of grass for not being green.
“Several strange things happened at this point – things which received only limited coverage in the press.
“First the FA actually did charge Fabregas with coming onto the pitch after the final whistle – which is odd because there is no regulation about who may come onto the pitch at that time. As we know Sir Alex F has come onto the pitch sometimes – once to shake the hand of the referee. Trainers come on, and others do. This charge had never ever been levied before because there is no law to stop it.
“Second when the FA called for evidence Hull said they could not supply it because they could not get in touch with the Horton, who, they said, had gone abroad.
“They gave no explanation at any time why he was abroad, and why he was not carrying a mobile phone – nor indeed why he could not be contacted at his hotel. What this means is that a senior staff member of Hull Spitty is utterly out of control, and was lost presumed making it up.
“Then when asked the FA said that the ‘charges are based on submissions from Hull City and video evidence. Brown is charged with improper conduct and/or bringing the game into disrepute in relation to media comments made after the game concerning referee Mike Riley’.”
“Eventually as we know the charges against Arsenal were dismissed – including the charge which involved no breach of any rule, and Hull were found guilty as charged. But no one ever explained how a player could be charged with breaking a non-existent rule, or why Horton vanished, or where he went to.
“It remains a mystery – Spittlegate in fact. I am just relieved that they were not charged with stealing gates.”
“Because that would be Gategate?” I asked.
“Mines a double,” said Billy.
“So this match against the Evil Beings from the Northern Lands – the Spittles, the desperadoes of infinity, the Eternity of Darkness, the…”
“Shut up and I’ll tell you,” argued Billy, and who was I to say no?
“In goal, Aluminium Man, and not ‘aluminum’ as you keep spelling it.”
I agreed to get the text right, and Billy wrote out the rest of the staff…
- Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelan, Silvestre (Eboue)
- Denilson, Song, Diaby (Ramsey)
- Arshavin, Eduardo, Nasri (Walcott)
“The key thing,” said Billy, “is the stunts that the Spitty will play. What new rule will they make up this time? I will give you some possibilities…
1: The crowd were making too much noise
2: One of the Arsenal players has an offensive wife
3: The floodlights are illegally re-angled during the match to shine directly into the eyes of the visiting goalkeeper
4: A subsidence in the visiting technical area caused Brown to hiccup.
5: The snow was poisoned with dark matter which sucked the strength from the Hull players.
6: A witch doctor at the clock end put the heebie jeebies on the Hull forward line.
7: One of the Arsenal players told a Hull defender that there is no Father Christmas.
8: The king of Westphalia burped just as Hull were taking a corner.
9: Eduardo dived against Celtic and so should not have been playing in this game.
10: The universe is expanding faster than it should be due to the presence of dark energy, and this caused the Hull players to rise off the ground at regular intervals, even though they didn’t want to do that.”
“That seems quite probable to me,” I said. “What’s the score?”
“7-1 to the Arsenal,” said Billy, “five own goals by the Hull bench – just like last time.”
Don’t forget the review of MAKING THE ARSENAL on http://www.omnifootball.co.uk/2009/12/review-making-the-arsenal/ plus the regular update on life at the Arsenal 100 years ago at www.blog.woolwicharsenal.co.uk
Come back Phil Gregory. Sanity needs you.
(c) Tony Attwood 2009.
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