Text of Billy The Dog’s interview with Ino Nothing on BBC Radio 5 previewing the Big Match.
Sunderland is a small village to the north of Hatfield (actually one geography book has it north of Bradford but I don’t think that is possible). The village was invaded by the Vikings in 1227 (just before lunch) and King Quinn the Lofty was installed as Oligarch. His descendent, King Quinn XXXII the So Lofty I can Touch the Stars, is now in control.
The local dish is jugged portacabin. The area is one in which the ancient Viking tradition of setting fire to fields (known as Sta Dium) is continued and indeed the club play in one such venue – the Liter Sta Dium.
The main activity of the village is DNA tourism, where psychic lawyers lead the way in evolving a new race of bantering yokels. Their local rivals are Gateshead.
Now the interview…
“Well Billy, this is a Big One.”
“Oh aye, away the lads, och noo.”
“Ah ha, very droll Billy. How do you see this going?”
“Well Ino, you have to remember that Sunderland were formed by a teacher, so they do everything by the book.”
“Any particular book?”
“Just a book that they found inside a Davy Lamp in 1890.”
“So how do you see it going Billy?”
“We have to recognise that Sunderland is a wonderfully fine team, played by jolly good sprots and sprats who played in the first division for at least two weeks and thus claiming the record. They also won the Cup or Coooop as it is called in the north and they have a statue of a one legged man outside the ground to prove it. They beat Leeds you know.”
“Good, so, well, how do you see this one going?”
“In essence they are crooks, so I expect a lot of spiritual violence and headbanging. They were found guilty of breaking all the financial rules of football in 1957 and fined the equivalent of around £100,000 for being jolly naughty. Their chairman and three directors were suspended for four days, because this was a very bad thing to do, and they shouldn’t have done it, what with being founded by a schoolmaster and all. They’ve never recovered from the blow, and these days regularly play a collection of basset hounds at left back to ensure there is nothing underhand. Pesky creatures they are.”
“Sunderland won their last game in 1973 and as a result went into Europe – a day trip to Calais where they bought chips and drank a lot. History proclaims that they are the only side in history to have lost to Norwich at Wem-ber-ley.
“So in essence Sunderland are a third division (north) team, but they got into the top league by playing Swindon Town in a play-off final, losing and then getting promoted. In the north they call it ‘doing a Norris’ in reference to the way Henry Norris got Croydon Common into the Southern League and Fulham Up Again into the Football League after losing 7-2 to Brentford in the play off final in 1903 or thereabouts. Details of this are given in one of the most beautiful and exquisite books ever written on the history of our ‘winter game.’
“They are however happier in the second division where they can play Newcastle and Middlesb, as their local rivals are curiously known. There is talk of them all moving to the Northern League where they can play Gateshead.
“Their current king is 9 feet six inches tall and used to play for Arsenal. Apparently he is a jolly good chap, and so is their current manager who is a real sweetie. The supporters are the only people in the kingdom to sing a sweet and lyrical Bob Dylan song and turn it into a dirge.
“For this game I expect Davy Lamp to play at centre forward. We will as usual put out our youth team, what with the whole first team and reserve XI being down the pub…..
Baby Bill, Baby Dick, Baby Jon, Baby Fred
Baby Mick, Cesc, Baby Jim
Baby Theo, Big Bendtner, Nasri the Tough
“And the result Mr Dog?”
“Oh I don’t think there’ll be a result.”
“Thank you Mr Dog.”
Ashley Cole’s house was broken into last night. The player was found by police driving his car at 240mph around his garden while he was on a mobile phone. When asked by the police why he didn’t dial 999 Mr Cole replied, “It is all very well telling me to do that, but how am I supposed to know the number. I mean they say, ‘dial 999’ but they don’t tell you which buttons to press.”
Upon being asked by a member of Her Majesty’s press what he intended to do when he retired from football he replied, “I am going to be a banker.” The journalist said, “I thought you were one already,” and a fight ensued.
Mr Cole is three years old.
Meanwhile Scotland has lost one of its two spots in the Champs League next year. “I knew I had it here somewhere,” said Bruce Bankrupt, chairman of Rangers. “I can’t think what I did with it. Did anyone else see it?” Belgium has gone ahead of Scotland in the coefficient rankings. Will someone please stop Walter dancing in the street?
Correction from yesterday’s rumours…
I should like to apologise for the headline to yesterday’s article. The headline “Stolen Cabbage” should have read “Homicidal tiger caught in high street”.
Tony Attwood plays accordion for the Rutland Morris Men and not the Duke of Cumberland’s First Rifles, as stated.
PS: Was Sir Hardly Anyone actually in this piece?
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