Vote now for the biggest prat in football!

Yes indeedey, roll up roll up roll up.

The Survey will take you 15 seconds – all you have to do is vote for the Biggest Prat, Idiot or Nincompoop in Football.  (Actually being an Untold Survey it was suggested by residents of Untold Towers that we should not give out the questions, but in the end the executive board voted that down as being too silly).

So there’s seven suggestions for the silliest man in football, and you can add your own if you wish.  The results will be announced with a mega fanfare and a bowl on nuts in a couple of days time.

Press releases will be sent to the media, and I expect vast coverage as we give our unique prize – a specially minted 2008 replica 5p piece bearing an image of the Queen’s Head (that’s the pub not the monarch) – to the winner.

Ready, steady…

All you have to do is click on this link and you will be taken there at the speed of a darkened arrow flying through a trail of pigs trotters on a sunlit night in the bemusingly brilliant Bolton backwoods while trying to escape from a horde of gigantic gangrene infested pig’s heads that you spy, lumbering towards you as if propelled by dark matter sucked from the outlying reaches of the eastern spiral arm of Croydon.  On a Tuesday.

So, couldn’t be simpler.


Got any good rumours?

Making these stories up, sorry researching the stories in depth and verifying their veracity, is tough.   So if you know any good tales, do drop me a line –

José Mourinho has received a three game ban from the techie area and fine of 40,000 Euros for revealing his penchant for being handcuffed and (this is the bit I really like) “making offensive expressions at the referee and linesmen in the tunnel at San Siro at half-time.”

Not gestures, but “expressions”.  If we did that sort of thing in this country Sam Allerdyce would never work again.

That awfully lovely Ashley Cole has announced that he feels he is being victimised by the club (who want to tell him off), the press (who keep phoning him up), Arsenal fans (who keep giving him telephones) and Ron Gourlay (the new Gruppenführer at the Invented Club.)

Cole says its so unfair that they didn’t lash John Terry and throw him in the river for being a witch to see if he floated under the Wayne Bridge (a tradition in parts of Newcastle apparently).

Ann Corbitt has been named as centre forward for the next match involving the KGB in Fulham. (Actually I am not sure it is possible to have a Gruppenführer working for the KGB – but it makes you think.)

Keith Harris, the man who wants to buy Manchester United has told fans not to go to football matches at Very Old Trafford.  He says that a drop in attendances will mean the current owners will cut the price from £1 billion to 24p and he will then be able to buy it.   He plans to play Orville at centre half.


In other news

This imperium of judicial excellence is now being published two or three times a day, and the Making the Arsenal blog  is published four or five times a week, so if you’re an occasional visitor do flip back through the other articles to find all the great bits you missed such as…..

Arsenal win the league: the start of the new golden era.

Preparing for Arsenal v Sunderland one hundred years ago

The England captain we signed from Kettering Town.

Why did Arsenal move to Highbury, and not somewhere else?

Arsenal in 1910 – the complete story as a novel.

Tony Attwood 2010

24 Replies to “Vote now for the biggest prat in football!”

  1. Tony – you really should see a doctor (and so should I for enjoying all the wonderful work you manage to produce). Thanks a lot mate.

  2. you forgot to add Alan Hansen, Alan Shearer and Mark Lawrenson from BBC MOTD. If only they were managers, they would win every single trophy in world football!!!
    Love this blog, keep up the good work.
    In Arsene We Trust.

  3. phew! that was a tough choice, do you think its a lack of education for young football players which contributes to there being so many idiots in football.

  4. Rumour of the Day:

    Setanta went bust because, instead of sticking to Special 1’s launch into satire, they decided to cock a snook at the BBC by making their multimedia answer to The Two Ronnies, namely The Three Alans.

    Apparently their subscriptions went down so much in Sunderland, Manchester and in Sun-Free-Land that they needed to go see Walt Disney before decamping with Munto Finance.

  5. Jason Cundy is definitely no.1 IMO Teddy Sheringham, the itv guy who thinks he’s cool. What’s his stupid name? Andy Townsend!!! How could I forget his name! Alan Shearer!

  6. I think at least you could have put a prize with it Tony. You should have offered that one of the voters who voted for the winner could be the one to offer the valuable prize to the winner in person. 😉

  7. That’s too difficult, Sir Tony.

    If I vote Cashley I’d be letting John Terry off the hook and that’d be against all ancient codes of honour. If I vote John Terry, Sepp Blatter might take this poll as a vote of confidence on his corruption and buffonry. Given how hard Adebayor has tried, he wouldn’t like his efforts to win trophies in stupidity to go unrecognised.

    I’m going to vote all of the above.

    P.S. You left out; Graham Poll, Stan Collymore, Myles Palmer (but to be fair he’ll win the biggest washed-up failed hack talking permanent tosh award) and the indelible Mr. Jamie Redknapp.

    P.P.S. Oh I forgot Oliver “Spurs have a better squad than Arsenal” Kay. What about Mr. Philip Hull who sees people spitting when he closes his eyes?

    Oh sod it…..there’s a whole army of colossal prats in the game.

  8. I also learned a new phrase today “cock a snook”

    I don’t want to say what I thought that meant before I looked it up.


  9. oh yeah, just remembered a couple more, Stan Collymore with a passion. Ian Wright thats another prat.

  10. Sir Tony – yo said it was a survey – not a difficult choice to make. You see, I’m an equal opportunity hater and I find it hard to choose. I settled for Terry though for reasons I would rather pass on.

    Could you include the following in your next poll.

    Micky ‘Who ate all the pies’ Quinn
    Adrian Durham
    Andy Jacobs….actually you know what – just include the entire Talk Shite radio staff

    Include that drunkard Alan Brazil who can’t even tell what time it is as he’s high most of the time. See what I mean at

  11. Good to hear one survey was unfair, it allowed too many cretins off the hook as pointed out above (and probably below!!)

  12. Heh, that survey wasn’t as easy as it looked I must admit (like many others here who have commented as well)! I wanted to vote for at least 5 of those on that list, but oh well, you’ve gotta make choices in like right?

Comments are closed.