Emirates Stadium fears Anchovy invasion


By Billy ‘the dog’ McGraw.

Head of Security, emirates stadium

Much has been made of the fact that the security services that run the Emirates Stadium – our stadium of choice – failed utterly to prevent some Tottenham fans throwing coins and other objects at ambulance men, while also failing to stop supporters of certain Merseysidic football “clubs” from letting off flares, smoke bombs and other smelly objects – despite repeated warnings from Untold that the events would happen.

Now the important point of this story is the predictive ability of Untold and much has been made of our staggering ability to see into the future.

But there is a secondary issue and which is that the security people at the Emirates failed to get to grips with the smoke bombers – despite the warning.  Pictures of men in colourful jackets going into the crowd after the flare had gone off, and then five minutes later going back into the same part of the ground to get another one, and singularly failing both times as the standing fans refused to get out of the way to let them by, was perhaps amusing at one level – although worrying at another.

Of course the story did make the front cover of Playbeing, and was featured repeatedly on its football pages by Zaphod Beeblebrox, our reincarnated safety expert.

And so it is, without any hope or expectation that our warnings will be taken seriously that we issue our next safety notice:

Beware Anchovies.

Our awareness of this latest safety threat has arisen after police in Thessaloniki arrested a PAOK fan accused of delicately arranging a large number of fish of the anchovian variety on the seating area to be used by the management and others of Olympiakos.  As a result the Greek Cup semi-final was delayed for over an hour.

Now a similar issue arose at the FA Cup semi-final this year when hundreds of pies were scattered around the Arsenal team area by Wigan fans before kick off in an attempt to slow our brave lads down.   Fortunately Arsenal staff saw them in time and handed them to a supporter and his father sittin’ (as they say in blues music) just behind Drew and Tony opposite the half way line, and the pies were rapidly defused.

Back in Greece, six more PAOK supporters were arrested while throwing fish at police.   PAOK won the match 1-0 despite a lot of fighting on the pitch, in the stands, and on the bench.   The flare total ran into the thousands, many of which were thrown onto the pitch.

And this really is my point.   Leaving aside the danger from anchovies (vicious brutes that can cut through a man’s leg with a single bight [are you sure of this Billy?- editor] the fact is that the anchovy situation began with a single fish, and the flare situation began with a single flare, just as the procreation of the species began with a single … ‘[I think that’s enough of that – ed]

After protests from the Anchovian ambassador, the Greek police announced that a 34-year-old man had been arrested and charged with crimes against fish.  Olympiakos’ home ground, it should be added, is in port of Piraeus, and its supporters are nicknamed “anchovies”.

I need hardly tell you what this means for Arsenal.  I mean how many Emirs will Liverpool fans dump in Mr Wenger’s seat?   Will Arsenal fans react by dumping liver in Mr Rodgers seat?  Will eternity be placed in the seats allocated to Everton staff?  Will donkeys be found in the area arranged for Aston Villa?

It is all too fearsome to contemplate.

PS: Quite a bit of this story is actually true.

10 Replies to “Emirates Stadium fears Anchovy invasion”

  1. There is something fishy about this story 🙂

    Serious now: amazing what happened in Greece… The crisis is over I think…if you can spend that much money on anchovies to throw it away…

  2. @Guillaume le Chien,
    This is yet another scare story about anchovy throwers contaminating the sacred turf of the Emirates.
    Compared with the appalling contents of the Stadium pies that Tony keeps on reporting about, it could be that anchovies would be a dietary improvement.
    Never having risked my delicate palate on the little creatures, I did a bit of internet research and found that in all the descriptions and recipes, NO MENTION OF BONES. In my experience that means they are infested with bones (essential anyway for their mass and bias to aide straight arm throwing.. Cricketers and grenade throwers will know what I mean).
    The other peculiarity is that the taste of anchovies is known as “umami” which I always thought was a tidal wave following a subterranean earthquake.

  3. For a while Billy, I thought that it was true and the Greek cup was actually delayed : D

  4. Billy,
    I am truly appalled by the laxity or in fact sheer incompetence of club security staff.
    If Arsenal reacted by “accidentally” secreting foie gras all over Mr. Rodgers already poo laden seat (…of his pants, squeaky bum time etc etc). It may well take all summer to decontaminate the stadium. That will mean no Green day concerts, no medical conferences, or no emirates cup. I think i speak for all goons, when i say the prospect of such an interminable summer is unbearable.
    These things have a habit of back firing but can also bring the short term gratification, i confess to having learned this the hard way,We put drawing pins in Mr Martinez’s seat but the bugger stood on the touchline for the full 90, we are currently planning a multifarious stratagem, involving errant sprinklers, vaselining the technical area, sympathetic courier pigeons… but i digress.
    I write in to urge restraint and extreme caution when handling donkeys, i bear scars both physical and mental from another lesson learned the hard way, they are natures backfirers and they eat grass and they invariably do just exactly what THEY want to do.
    I can assure you, the short term pleasure you may derive from watching Paul Lambert attempting to recreate Jesus entering Jerusalem as King of Israel, while we thrash him with palm leaves will be a mere trifle posited against the despondency and desolation and loss of self esteem that being outwitted by a donkey brings.
    I’d really like to reach out to my fellow goobers here as the clubs security team are going to be stretched what with anchovy rain and everything, if you are offered the chance to lead a donkey to the emirates, or have a particularly leafy palm leaf then placed next a whiny Scot, Resist.

  5. @ Ugandan Goon – A very big LIKE ! from me !

    In the meantime here’s some humour that I received in my e-mail today.

    Puns for the slightly higher IQ

    Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

    A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

    Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

    Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

    Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.

    A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

    When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

    A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

    In democracy your vote counts.
    In feudalism your count votes.

    She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    If you don’t pay your exorcist,
    You get repossessed

    With her marriage,
    She got a new name and a dress.

    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

    Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.

    Every calendar’s days are numbered.

    A lot of money is tainted –
    Taint yours and taint mine.

    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

    Once you’ve seen one shopping centre,
    You’ve seen a mall.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

    Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done.

  6. And….

    The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
    This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

    HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2014, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

    The brackets are as follows:

    10 – 12″ Luxury Tax $ 300.00

    8 – 10″ Pole Tax $ 250.00

    5 – 8 ” Privilege Tax $ 150.00

    3 – 5″ Nuisance Tax $ 30.00

    Males exceeding 12″ must file capital gains.

    Anyone under 3″ is eligible for a tax refund.


    I believe you are waiting for your refund!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. And here I was getting all worried !

    Older people do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.

    Researchers say this slowing down is not the same as cognitive decline.

    “The human brain works slower in old age,” said Dr. Michael Ramscar, “but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”

    SO THERE YOU ARE! We Are All Brilliant!

  8. From the mouth of babes…..Dear God !

    At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer…

    BOY: But I don’t know how to pray.

    DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

    BOY: “Dear Lord” he started.

    Thank u for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.
    Bless them so they won’t come again.
    Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and
    wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s Iphone and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *