Wolverhampton Wanderers Football Club.
A resume by Billy the Dog McGraw, Landlord of the Toppled Bollard Islington and head of the Republic of Abyssinia.
“The stuffed heads of West Brom supporters on pikes that adorn the walkways of Wolverhampton are bad enough, but what makes it worse is that many still have dark glasses and streamers around their necks revealing that they were enjoying themselves at a party to celebrate winning the league in 1920 when they were shot.”
Grubby Towns of Great Britain. 1995 edition.
Wolverhampton Wobblewibble is a football team from the porridge making villages of rural West Midlands which was formed in the 8th century at the time of the “Wolverine Conspiracy” against the Great Danes of Mercia during which rat poison was fed to the inhabitants of villages to the east.
They played in the back garden of the Duke of Ditchwater for 19 centuries before becoming a staggeringly great team under ex-player Stan Cullis who won them the league three times and the Fairly Awful cup twice in an 11 year period. At this time the press got very excited about them and declared the Wobble “Champions of the World” after they beat South Africa, Spartak Moscow and Honved. This was because the world was a lot smaller in those days.
But, sadly, the export of Black Energy from the neighbourhood undermined the structure of the area and this proved their undoing as the world grew larger, due to the Higgs Boson, who played outside left.
While some clubs would honour the man who had brought such success and fame to an obscure provincial shopping centre, they do things different in Black Porridge County. Stan Cullis was sacked in September 1964.
It was a strange line to take, and one that would have haunted their mutual consciousness for ever more if they had a consciousness. But they kept making the porridge and as anyone who has been to Manchester knows, self-conscious brains were not allowed up the M6 owing the to the lack of atmosphere (see footnote). Thus they were trapped without a teaspoon to their name.
Anyway, having taken this step the club then decided that it would be more fun to fight in the Grimsthorpe League Division 3 North and they duly set out about getting there with relegations in 1984, 1985, and 1986. At this time they were owned by the Bhatti Brothers who are still so secretive and litigious that there is hardly a word on them on Google.
When they made it to the fourth division I went to see them with my dad, playing away against Torquay United. We supported Torquay and threw porridge at them.
Wolverhampton were good, and that year they lost to Chorley 3-0 in the first round of the Fairly Awful Cup.
The local manager, a M McCarthey who speaks North, but is learning other tongues, said in an interview in the Express and Start of Arsenal, this week, “They have the size of the pitch going for them.”
And who can gainsay that?
Arsenal will play their children’s team for this match because everyone else is injured. Wolverhampton will play their reserves because that is what they do when faced with failure.
Djourou is just about ready to play but they might give him another 10 days before facing the Evil Empire. There is a rumour that Denilson (who was multiple magnifico against the Black Sheep) is injured. But that might just be a story.
Arsenal’s Children’s Team…
Sagna, Silvestre, Vermaelen, Clichy (Eboue, Campbell)
Diaby, Song, Denilson, (Nasri, Rosicky, Eastmond)
Theo, Bendtner, Nasri (Eduardo, Rosicky, Vela, Merida)
Q: Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Molineux?
A, It’s the only place in the world with no atmosphere!
You can find all the odds and some of the evens for betting on this match on our unique money spinning gambling section, as well as a wonderfully new and fresh configuration of the Arsenicity of everything by going click
Untold’s prediction (in the absence of Phil who got the Bar Bar Barca match correct) is 8-1 to Arsenal.
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