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October 2020

Total sensation Exclusive. Arsenal sign top star player from Agrabah. The magic will start now.

By Sir Hardly Anyone

Although it is not a topic normally covered on Untold Arsenal I thought I would mention that almost one-third of Republican primary voters believe the US should bomb the kingdom of Agrabah, according to a report released in the US by Public Policy Polling on Friday.

This is bad news for Agrabah and probably explains why their top player is so anxious to leave for all time.

It is also bad news for reality.  Agrabah is the kingdom from the Walt Disney movie Aladdin.

And let that be a warning because what follows is just as crazy.  For example “By Far the Greatest Team” runs this headline

SHOCK – Chicharito Moving to Arsenal, Wenger CONFIRMS Signature

Javier Hernandez, who currently plays for Bayer Leverkusen, is a target for Arsenal.  There is no question of anyone confirming anything, but then if Agrabah doesn’t exist and is ripe for bombing why not have a player who no one has contacted confirming that he is coming.
The tale is he has scored ten goals in his 13 league appearances he’s 27 and he used to play for Man U.
The site is also running “SHOCK – Mertesacker REVEALS the Secret to Arsenal’s Success” and just to save you the trouble of reading it, here’s the answer: “The harmony amongst players is not limited to the pitch but the dressing itself carries a vibrant and positive aura.”
Shocked?  You will be after this… from Gunners City

Done Deal: Top Journalist Confirms It! Star Man Tells Club Goodbye as He Completes Arsenal Move

Arsenal scout Brian McDermott has relinquished his role at the club to resume duties as the manager of Championship side Reading FC.

Arsenal on their part is also making plans to reshuffle their scouting department. It is reported that Steve Rowley is set to be promoted to oversee the general recruitment at all levels of the club.

The Gunners are reportedly eyeing Steve Walsh who has been doing a fantastic job at Leicester City in the capacity of the Head of Recruitment. He superintended over the transfer of Riyad Mahrez from French side Havre for a meager 400, ooo fee from Le Havre.

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So it wasn’t about players but about scouts.  Maybe the bloggettas can get scouting issues right when they fail so miserably on everything else.  We shall see.

Off next to Agrabah is Gooners Den

Club President CONFIRMS Deal: Arsenal Set To FINALLY Complete Transfer of €55,000-a-Week SENSATIONAL Star

Besiktas have confirmed they are interested in signing Arsenal goalkeeper David Ospina, according to the Metro.

That would leave Arsenal with only two, instead of the normal three, goalkeepers with experience on their books – and one of those is on loan.

Gunners City leaps into the gap left but the unlikeliness of that tale with

Better Than Coquelin – Arsenal Sends Dick Law To Germany To Complete £25m Signing Of 6ft1 POWERFUL Midfielder

Another player has joined the long list of midfielders linked to the club. As if the likes of William Carvalho, Ruben Neves, Lars bender and James McCarthy are not sufficient enough, Granit Xhaka just consolidated his spot in the infamous January wishlist.

The source is the Daily Mail or as Gunners City calls is “The Dailymail”, and they say that Arsenal are keeping tabs on the Borussia Monchengladbach midfielder.

It was reported that officials from the club watched the players against Manchester City in the UEFA Champions League earlier this month but reports that the player was scouted again while in League action for his side.  He “has confirmed the strong interest from the Gunners.”

The bloggetta also signals that it is time for them to start attacking Coquelin for his inability to play when injured, and they come out with

 Towering over 6 feet in height, he [Xhaka] boasts of an average of 3.4 aerial duels in the League games; Francis Coquelin has a meager 0.4 per game.
Which rather suggests that Frankie is kept ready to do the tackles and intercepts leaving the aerial duels to others.  (I wonder how many aerial duels Santi Cazorla has won this season).

However feeling that was not quite stupid enough Gunners City now give us

Almost Done: Arsenal Completing Transfer Of 6ft2 Defensive Midfielder, Player Tells Friends He is On His Way To London

Via Squawka, the Paris Saint Germaine defensive midfielder Aldrien Rabiot has tacitly expressed his desire to join the club. Unconfirmed reports claim that he has told friends that he is certain of an Arsenal loan move in January.

That’s probably an Agrabah situation then.

What I did like however was the statement that “he is a stereotype Wenger signing – young, quality and errrm free.”   A prize of a knighthood from the king of Abgbrah if you know what an “errrm free” is.

(Incidentally in July this year the bloggetta “By far the greatest team” reported that “Arsenal Coach Arsene Wenger appears set to wave his magic wand” so the Abgbrah deal could be on.)

Goonerscity (which is not Gunners City, and a completely different kettle of fish) tells us that

DONE DEAL+ Picture Proof: Arsenal Confirms Transfer Of 5ft9 Defensive Star, The Title Is Ours

“Via the club’s official website, it is announced that the Veteran goalkeeper has made a permanent move to the Merseyside club.”

EPL Scouts meanwhile have a different take…

Arsenal Trending Today: Deal to be announced soon, Wenger’s favourite on his way to Arsenal

Yep we are back to Brian McD.

Squwaka meanwhile goes with

Arsenal round-up: Gunners close to £51.5million Ozil deal, Guardiola interested in Arsenal move

“Arsenal are interested in signing in-form Bayer Leverkusen striker Javier Hernandez in the January transfer window. The Mexico international has excelled in the Bundesliga since leaving Manchester United this summer, and Arsene Wenger is keen on some competition for Olivier Giroud, with Hernandez topping the shopping list. Hernandez has scored 10 goals in 13 league games this season.”

Which takes us all the way back to where we started.

That Walt Disney has a lot to answer for.  Mind you, so does the Republican Party.


  • 20 December 1998: Arsenal 3 Leeds 1 (Vieira, Bergkamp, Petit).  From this game to the end of the season Arsenal lost only one game, going the next 19 unbeaten in the league losing finally to Leeds on 11 May.
  • 20 December 2003: Bolton 1 Arsenal 1.  The 17th league match of the unbeaten season.  After the game Mr Wenger said, “Provided Bolton keep playing like that, we will look back at this result and feel very happy. They are as good as a team as we have played.”

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23 comments to Total sensation Exclusive. Arsenal sign top star player from Agrabah. The magic will start now.

  • nicky

    It’s no good. No matter the source or the quality of the info, we will just have to wait until New Year’s Day (at the earliest) to know whether Arsenal have indulged in the January sales.
    All I would ask, and expect, is that if Arsene intends to buy, he will have begun negotiating some time ago.

  • tunnygriff

    Our midfield options until February are Ramsey, Flamini, Chambers, Arteta and Ox it worries me greatly in terms of quality and the fact we have a glut of fixtures until February when we will start getting some players back. We have Coquelin, Santi, Rosicky, Wilshere all missing. A serious amount of talent.

    Flamini has done well v Olympiacos, Sunderland and Villa. Not top opposition. Ramsey’s strength is bombing forward. This leaves Flamini covering huge areas of grass. I’m not sure he can do it v the best. Two things need to be done to help him. Ramsey needs to curb bombing forward so often. He has to help Flamini protect the back four. Alternatively our fullbacks could stay back more often less adventurous. This will help to stop Per being exposed for pace.

    Coquelin is a huge miss being more athletic than Flamini. We have the glut of Christmas games and a hugely difficult run of fixtures from mid January to end of February. We will approach these games without some hugely influential midfielders. By this time Flamini and Ramsey will be knackered. Hopefully Jack and the little Mozart will be back.

    For these reasons I think we need to buy a top level midfielder to act as cover/rotation until we start getting players back. He should be a credible option for the first team

    Arteta, Flamini and TR7 will leave in the summer so why not get one replacement now.

    Thoughts ?

  • robl

    @ tunnygriff, depends, who you are classing as a top class central midfielder, that wouldn’t need any time to adapt to the premier league, hasn’t been involved in Europe and has a club willing to sell? I can’t think of anyone right now.
    We could always but Gibbs, Debuchy, Chambers or Gabriel there for the odd game, or recall Hayden. For more back up on the creativity front we could pull back Total, Maitland Niles or Zalalem from loan.
    It’s difficult trying to plug someone straight in mid season and hope they hit the ground running, but doesn’t mean you don’t have a valid point.

  • Al

    Agbrah lol.

    With regards to a DM I don’t think we have seen any match where Flamini has been found wanting so far. And Coq will be back in a couple of months time, so what point is there in signing someone who will just come and warm the bench? Not to mention destabilising the team chemistry if the player has a massive ego?

    There was an article this week on the pundits predictions at the start of the season, in which they picked all teams as potential title winners because they’d signed so and so, when we were the only side ‘not to sign any outfield players’ (which is also a falsehood as I recall the signing of Jeff Rene Adelaide). Where are utd now with their big gun signings of Schweinsteiger, Depay, etc? I thought Pedro had left Chelsea until yesterday… signing new players isn’t the be all and end all.

  • tunnygriff


    They are makeshift options.

    We have a run of Liverpool, man u, Spurs, Chelsea, Leicester and Barca ×2. None of those options is good enough for games like that. Flamini isn’t

    Again the talk of players aren’t available, there’s no oneout there. Excuses fo the manager again. We now have money so no excuse there now. If there aren’t any mmidfielders available that will boost our squad our scouting department isn’t doing it’s job. We have enough money to make offers to certain clubs that they can’t refuse.

    Personally with Welbecks injury looking very bad ( I’m sorry for the lad as I think he’d be a well used really valuable member of the squad) I’d be looking for a forward as well especially as the managerhas said that he’s played Alexis more than he wanted to and that he wanted to use Welbeck to give him a break

    I will say finding a forward in January is a lot more difficult than finding a midfielder. Any forward we get now or in the summer needs to be Alexis quality.

    Bottom line. Knowing that Wilshere and Rosicky weren’t going to be available until January and knowing our injury record , Wenger gambled on Coquelin staying fit. He should have brought a midfielder in during the summer to cover him. Many people said we’d be in this position. Sadly it was a miscalculation by the manager

  • andy bishop

    Focus on what a great job Flamini is doing and another positive is how well Ramsey is playing now in his favoured role. Cazorla needed a rest and unfortunate he gets it in the way he has. If we defeat Man City tomorrow will we still rue the injuries ?

  • robl

    @ Tunnygriff, yes they are makeshift, that’s what a backup is. Who do City, Chelsea, & United have as backups for holding midfielder and what is there quality? Obi Mikel? Delph? Schwinstiger is looking the steal (or is that robbery) of the season.
    Can’t blame the manager for not getting cover for Wilshere or TR7 as we also had Carzola and Ramsey who play there.
    As for the front 3 we have Giroud, Walcott, Ox, Campbell, Sanchez, Gibbs (who has done well), Jeff, Iwobi, plus Welbeck to come back.
    On top of that what player of any quality is going to be content to warm the bench as Coqs number 2, then not be rusty, and not adapted to the premier league due to lack of playing time when he gets his chance?

  • CM

    I think we need another body in midfield to be competative as the players playing now will definitley get burned out hy mid to lat January, but to say that that it was a miscalculation of the Manager is not right. Unless you are a psychic and can predict that Coquelin, Arteta and Cazorla would be injured at the same time it would have been impossible foresee this situation. Flamini is basically 4th or 5th choice when you include Wilshire in that mix so we should like to find a gem in midfield this January in the way that Wenger does.

  • John

    Do you really think there isnt one player in the whole world that would improve our squad??Every player is available for a price.And as for being cup tied in europe ,that probably wont matter after barcelona.What about signing a premier league player from another team??He wouldnt need time to adapt.

  • robl

    Hi John, no I think there are plenty that would come but none that I would want from the premier league to tie into a 3 or 4 year contract. Leicester appear to have a good defensive midfielder, but does he look good because Mharez and Vardy make everyone sit back? Would they sell right now?

    Outside the premier league, yes but i’m not sure Juve, Bayern, PSG, Monaco, Barca or Real are selling. Possibly Luiz Gustavo but Wolfsburg have a very winnable tie against Gent so I don’t imagine they will sell now either.

    Go on then who are you saying?

  • tunnygriff

    We now have a data analytics system and a scouting system. It is the job of those two things to be able to identify talent that would fit into our system. We shouldhave information on a huge list of players

    Wilshere was injured before the end of the summer window ditto Rosicky. Arteta who I have the utmost respect for has lost any semblance of pace he had and spent most of last season injured. People are arguing that because of these players we shouldn’t have bought a player. They will have missed more than half a season. It was a no brainer to get cover for these irrespective of injuries to other players.

    As for someone coming in to sit on the bench behind Coquelin. Why couldn’t that playerbe better than le Coq ? What about two players battling for a place ? We were in four competitions at the start of the season. There are enough games for Coquelin and his competition to get games. It means both players could rest and not get fatigued. It also means that any injury or suspension is covered.

    Arsenal is a great club, in a great city and pays good wages. Heck of a lot of players would come here to fight for a place with the prospect of doing well.

    Finally. None of our injured are likely to be back until February. That’s six weeks and many many games we’ll have only Ramsey and Flamini as recognised midfielders to slog their way through them. An injury to either and we’re scuppered. We must buy a reinforcement.

  • John

    What a great post.Most on here wont think so though.The players and manager should be under PRESSURE to perform .That is what makes WINNERS.

  • robl

    @ both, just because there is a stats reporting system it doesn’t mean that player exists. Neither of you have come up with a name.

    Again where are those 2 players at City, United and Chelsea? Clubs who have unlimited budgets and access to the same data?

  • Matt Clarke

    I won’t believe any of it until I see it made into a Disney cartoon

  • Florian

    Just in case anyone forgot (mentioning names is useless, they know who they are), Flamini scored against ManCity 2 seasons ago – the season in which, you guessed right, City became champions.

    On another note, but still on topic, you really think you are the only ones that look at the fixtures list and say “goodness, our players will be destroyed”. You can bet the manager and the players are aware of the risk and take it seriously, what with all the abject reffing standards in the competition, but, and I repeated this for the umpteenth time already, you really think breaking hands and moaning are going to solve anything? There is absolutely zero you can do about it, so why not better suck it up and support the team.

  • tunnygriff


    I am not a two millionpound analytic system. I am not paid a good wage to scout players for Arsenal. We are one of the biggest clubs in the world. We should have alist of any number of potential targets in different positions

    I’m not coming up with a name because I won’t have the information the club has. This notion that there’s no one out there is just an excuse to absolve the club from blame in not strengthening the squad

    I’m far from someone who says throw money at it and that will fix things. I have however watched Arteta over the last two seasons. He’s spent most of the time injured and when he has played he’s been so far out of synch that I don’t see him being able to keep up with the pace of the game

    The manager has said that Wilshere and Rosicky will be out until the end of January with Santi and Coquelin a month later. We have two experienced midfielders to see us through 6 really hectic weeks. It’s not a good situation to be in

    We have a chance of winning the title (once again injuries may cost us). Getting a CM in to cover while we get our players back, in my opinion, will enhance our chances of pushing for the title. It would allow Ramsey and Flamini time to rest and cover in case of injury or suspension. We really are down to the bare bones. Judging by the manager’s comments he thinks this as well.

    He’s also frustrated with Welbeck being injured and suffering a setback. He said he would have used Danny to give Alexis a break ( personally I think Welbeck would have played a lot this season due to his pace, energy and versatility). I wouldn’t be surprised if Wenger was looking at a forward in January. However I concede that getting a top forward to move in January is more difficult than a DM as there are less about.

    I think DM cover is a priority. I’d rather wait until the summer to make sure any forward we get is Alexis level.

  • ColG

    Apparently 21% of Democrats want to bomb Agrabah as well. These people will shortly be voting to decide who is in charge of the most powerful military in the world … be scared, be very, very scared.

  • ColG

    “You can bet the manager and the players are aware of the risk and take it seriously” – so seriously they decided on no proper cover for Coquelin last summer, which almost everyone else thought was a mistake. I think the moaning is because this crisis was so predictable (and predicted).

    I sense people are on the verge of giving up worrying about it though – for whatever reason it is now completely predictable that Arsenal will go into every season light in a couple of positions, have an injury crisis which is apparently a complete surprise to the management, but Wenger’s famed ‘mend and make do’ powers will rescue the day and means Arsenal rally enough to claim third or fourth spot. If you support Arsenal you have to accept this will happen every year. Things could be worse, Wenger is still a very good coach and you get to see some very attractive football, you get to see CL group stages every year before crashing out, and you can be very smug about how much money Arsenal have in the bank, if that is your ‘thing’. For those that want to support a club that actually tries to win things I would suggest, rather than ‘moaning and complaining’ you need to go somewhere else, because things are not going to change.

  • Florian

    I don’t know where this idea that the injury crisis is “a complete surprise to the management” came from. Someone point me at the article that quotes Wenger on that. Injuries have been such a regular part of the players’ life in EPL for so many years that it’s possible to draw stats and build models around the injury data. As long as the squad includes players with enough skill that are capable of covering the required positions, there is no need to buy. Apparently the management thinks we have such players, while a portion of the fans think we don’t. Good thing we have the right people in charge.

  • eeeerm free is when someone possesses an ability to never mince their words, even under immense pressure. It’s a standard terms where i’m from

  • Brickfields Gunners

    I’m quite sure that there are people who would like to go back to Iraq to look for those pesky WMD before it falls into the wrong hands !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    An eighty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears, the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman.”

    “Well, what’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.
    Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You don’t understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.”

    He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship! Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?”

    The senile old man answers, again through his tears,
    “I can’t remember where I live!”

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Doing the math –

    A clever man + A Clever woman = Romantic

    A clever man + A stupid woman = Pregnant

    A stupid man + A clever woman = Lush woman

    A stupid man + A stupid woman = Married

    A clever manager + A clever employee = Profit

    A clever manager + A stupid employee = Quantity

    A stupid manager + A stupid employee = Overtime

    A stupid manager + A clever employee = Promotion

    A stupid manager + A stupid board + stupid fans = Runaway Disaster

    A clever manager + Clever players + Clever fans(AKBs) = Successful Arsenal

    A clever blogger + clever moderators + clever posters = Untold Arsenal

    Untold Arsenal + Clever AKBs posters – stupid ‘them’ = Unbridled joy !