by billy the dog mcgraw, our man without capitals
A crowd of about 25,000 angry football fans stormed the FA’s multi-million pound luxury residence in Cape Town last night in a spontaneous expression of frustration and drunkenness.
Once entry was gained to the complex doors were ripped off hinges and files were opened. The resulting finds were extraordinary. While many fans amused themselves playing with the sexual toys that littered the filing cabinets and desk drawers of the administrative HQ (an area the players are never allowed to see), a smaller minority (including representatives of the ever alert Untold Brigade – a revolutionary group of Football Writers known for their interest in exposing corruption rather than, as in the case of A Cole, themselves) worked their way through the FA’s paperwork.
And what stuff was found!
Over 170 separate files labeled Tottie were discovered – with not one relating to an Italian footballer. There were details of secretaries and assistants past and present, with accompanying notes as to their particular specialties, rate cards, birthdays, and “safe houses” where they might be entertained.
Only one file was found in relation to players, and that was empty save for a folder labeled “Wayne Rooney Intelligence Test.” The folder was empty.
Two particularly interesting files contained details of football coaches and coaching courses – apparently in South Africa so that they could be shown to Fifa reps concerned about coaching in England. The files revealed 98% of the people listed were not there because they had been on coaching courses but because they had applied for coaching courses and been turned down. The most common comment on the files was “not one of us”. Of those who were accepted, only a quarter were listed as being in employment as coaches, and most of those seemed to be drivers.
A file labeled “Fifa” revealed payments totaling over £250m made to Fifa in the past three weeks in relation to the bid for the world cup in England. This file, now in the hands of staff at Untold Institute of Unknown Stuff (chief of staff: Dr Higgs Boson) reveals England’s plans for the competition should it come to England. These include:
- Provision of sexual services to Fifa members (cross reference Tottie File – head of division Lord Triesman, deputy Sven).
- Agreement in advance that England will be allowed to win
- Agreement that Scotland will not qualify
- Agreement that no Arsenal players will ever be asked to play for England because that Mr Wenger is such a know it all, and all he talks about is football instead of the interesting stuff like sex.
- Acceptance by government that any laws that Fifa wants changed will be changed, thus allowing imprisonment without trial by Fifa stewards at all times and in all places in the year leading up to the world cup, and for six months thereafter.
- No tax to be paid by Fifa
- No tax to be paid by footballers
- All losses made by the FA to be reimbursed by the government.
In an interesting side note, one FA executive has written, “will the British public stand for this?” to which another has replied “of course.”
In an interview this morning the FA brushed off the attack as “a minor incident involving a burglar,” and said that the Fifa hit squad police who now rule South Africa had been informed. Wayne Rooney said something as did Mr Gerrard, but since the only people present at the time were people who spoke English (rather than abbreviated Scouse), it was impossible to know what they said.
“It is unacceptable,” said an FA spokesman stepping in quickly to comment on the burglary . “Thankfully there was no serious harm done, but we will be complaining to Fifa.”
Commenting on the affair, the so-called England manager said, “The pressure of being English does not help, probably. You are sent to school and made to wear uniforms. Everyone wears uniforms. Everywhere you look there are uniforms. It is not surprising you are a bit crazy. Everyone at the FA wears uniforms. The women they bring in, wear uniforms.” Mr Capello was led away by two stewards in uniforms, but he quickly broke away.
“I remember when I started as England manager, I saw the same things when we were at Soho Square. Everywhere it is sex, sex sex, that is all the FA think about all day long. Me, I don’t. I just think about money. I know some of the men in the FA are worried about their performance and they forget to play around without fear but they seem to like fear. It’s incredible what goes on in the FA, the mistakes men make when they get involved in sex. Stick to money that’s what I say. These players of mine they earn £5 million a year each and what do they have to do for that? Nothing. They wander around a park for a bit, and then swear at cameramen and reporters. It is easy. No climbing up ladders in the middle of the night, no getting caught by ladies with microphones and tape machines. When they can’t control the ball or miss easy passes it doesn’t matter on the football pitch. But at Wembley in the FA rooms when they can’t control their balls everyone is upset. Me I just like the money. And art. I like Art. This is the problem. The administrators at the FA want sex, the players want money (except Mr A Cole who is on another planet). Without a unity of purpose England as a football team will never survive.”
Speaking of the game he said, “Rooney didn’t swear like Rooney so I know something is wrong. He can do better than that. I can change the tactics, I will try to do something different, but I have to tell you I don’t understand a word he says. Sometimes after one big performance, the minds of the administrators in the FA will be free and then all those old men can screw for England and bribe Fifa and everything will be as normal. I will have money. This is really important. I didn’t see the game, I was too busy counting my wallets.”
The captain, Steven Gerrard, said: “We’re not happy with the performance of officials of the FA here in South Africa, and we want some of what they have shared around. We need more. We want to stay in this tournament but we don’t want to think of all the fun and games happening at FA HQ while we run around a bit. We were not good enough to make the breakthrough into the changing rooms and that hurt. We were not aggressive enough but I am planning to hit someone soon. Give Algeria credit: about £200bn should do it.”
The attack on the FA HQ in South Africa has remained unreported in the British press due to a formal demand by Fifa to the government and the subsequent issuing of a D Notice. Plus the fact that there are no journalists sober enough by the end of a match to find a telephone and report the story.
PS: If you find this incomprehensible and a muddle, then I would say it is a fair reflection of England as a football team, and as a reporter I have therefore done my job.
Billy – breaking new grounds in the world of football reporting.
PPS: blame the ball – that usually works.
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