By Dr Billy “the dog” McGraw head of Certain Things, Arsenal FC
I was recently able to lay my hands on the following confidential memo circulated to members of the board and senior executives at Arsenal. It reveals the difficulties the club are facing in finding a new manger.
Introduction:
Recent changes to the Employment (details of relevant conditions) Act 2013 have made it clear that the employer must go to greater lengths than may previously have been thought to be the case to explain all issues surrounding any employment that is offered to a prospective employee.
It would appear that several football clubs have been judged not to have been compliant with this legislation of late, and tribunals are underway involving clubs such as West Ham and Everton which are likely to go in the government’s favour. It is therefore vital that when we advertise for a new manager, we make it clear to all applicants the specific issues that surround the role of manager at Arsenal FC.
The following list of relevant conditions is offered to the board for consideration in the document.
Part 1: The perception of the board
The board is perceived by the media and some fans of the club to be made up of a combination of what they would describe as “fuddy-duddys” and out-of-touch old-timers. The majority shareholder has regularly been falsely accused of removing money from the club for his personal gain.
It is therefore logical that a group perceived in this way will not make the best, or even half-best choice of club manager, and thus any manager chosen will be virulently opposed by many people who describe themselves as fans, simply because the board have selected him.
2: Major negative publicity from media can be expected at all times.
While clubs such as Liverpool, Manchester City, Chelsea, Tottenham and Manchester Utd gain very positive support in the media, irrespective of any trophies they may or may not win, the reverse is true for Arsenal, irrespective of what the club does.
This table may help
| Club | Last trophy | Previous trophy | Total since 2014 |
|---|---|---|---|
| Manchester Utd | 2016 FA Cup | 2013 Football League | 1 |
| Liverpool | 2012 League Cup | 2006 FA Cup | 0 |
| Arsenal | 2015 FA Cup | 2014 FA Cup | 2 |
| Chelsea | 2015 Football League | 2015 League Cup | 2 |
| Tottenham H | 2008 League Cup | 1999 League Cup | 0 |
| Everton | 1995 FA Cup | 1987 Football League | 0 |
| Manchester City | 2016 League Cup | 2014 Football League | 2 |
3: The minimum requirement
The last three seasons at Arsenal have produced results that are the fifth-best set of results over three years in the entire history of the club sine 1888 including two FA Cup wins, and coming runners’ up in the league. This is defined in the media and by some fans as so appalling that the current manager should leave at once even though as the table above shows, it is equal to two other clubs are surpassed by none.
The minimum requirement for the manager in the next three years is at least two trophies, one of which must be either the League or the Champions League, the second of which should be either of those or the FA Cup, and for the club to come a close second in the League or Champions League in the single season without a trophy. Anything less is defined as failure.
4: Judgement will be made after one year.
Because of the detailed requirement of fans, if the first season ends without either a trophy or a second place slot, the manager will leave.
5. The myth of Arsenal injuries
Although this is still propagated daily by the media it is not true, and has never been true that Arsenal get more injuries than other teams. It is vital that the new manager keeps injuries to the current level.
6: Attacks from fans and the media will start on day one.
These will probably include fake news created around the manager’s private life, and may include allegations of serious crimes in the new incumbent’s previous job. The press can be relied on to criticise the manager from the first match of the pre-season friendlies and will advise the fans that nothing has changed and that the club is still a failure, despite its obvious record across the last three years.
7: Spending on transfers
The new manager will need to spend money immediately, even though there is some extraordinary talent coming through from the youth team. These players should not be given a chance no matter how talented. Since all players of quality now know the trap that the fans have laid, and know that their careers can be ruined by a season at Arsenal, in which even trophies and fine performances can be seen as being of no worth, it will be extraordinarily hard to bring in players of the highest quality.
8: Remembering the past
Although at present it is agreed among the media and the fans not to mention the successful players brought in by the current manager, immediately the new manager is appointed by groups will compare any new players with earlier purhases such as Vieira, Henry and Pires.
9: Out notices
The media will again be supplying “out” notices and paying supporters to hold them up after the first two defeats, unless the club is top of the league.
10: Current players will leave with the current manager.
Although the media and some fans have a fantasy that the current manger is one of the worst managers of all time, most of the players at the club are unremitting in their admiration of Mr Wenger and will want to leave when he leaves, having had enough of endless press and fan abuse.
11. PGMO
In the Premier League, refereeing is run by a highly secretive tiny cabal of officials who are clearly incapable of refereeing football matches. This may be because they are so overworked (there is a much smaller number of them than in other leagues) or because of corruption, no one knows. But as a manager you should expect an accuracy rate of decisions of around 60%, on a good day.
12: Referees – a bias against Arsenal
This issue is banned from media discussion, but there is an overwhelming level of evidence that it doesn’t “all even out in the end” as the quaint English saying goes. One may expect a lot of false decisions against Arsenal, about which you can do nothing. Therefore to beat a team 2-0 Arsenal normally have to score four, with two perfectly legitimate goals being disallowed.
13: The English media and foreigners
If you are not born and bred English you will be treated to hostile abuse for not being English, especially from Phil Thompson and Paul Merson who work for Sky Sports. This will be vile, personal and highly offensive, and if you are of non-white Western appearance, quite possibly racist. (At the moment this is speculation, since anything other than non-white managers of Western appearance is extremely rare in UK football. You may make your own decision as to how racist English football is in this regard).
14: You must never show annoyance or frustration.
If you do you will be called “emotional” and “unreliable” and “unstable” and (if you are not English) “foreign”. Such comments once given will never be withdrawn.
15: Under no circumstances can Arsenal ever end up below Tottenham in the league.
The current manager has managed to do this, but gets no thanks for it. Even one season below Tottenham will result in your immediate eviction.
We wish you well in your application and look forward to interviewing for a job as Arsenal manager.
Funniest post ever! Arsene forever!
16. Learned fans’ opinions will be very seriously considered and acted upon .
Stat !
ASAP!
Chop ,chop !
Paul Merson this week presented an article to the Sky Sports website – which was printed – that suggested only Alexis would make the Tottenham first team from Arsenal. I am fully aware Mr Merson is a recovering alcoholic and gambling and cocaine addict, but it is evident from these comments that he’s done many more disco biscuits than we at first thought.
17. No more laughing at ‘them ‘.
@Dr Billy “the dog” McGraw,
Good write up. You did forget one more thing, the manager has to be able to handle bizarre/strange scheduling around the Champions League fixtures and can not complain about!
OT: Liverpool seems to be the beneficiary for this round of CL fixtures.
Liverpool vs:
Tottenham – possibly 3-4 days before 1st leg if they progressed (now 5 days before Europa match)
Arsenal- 3 days before our 2nd leg CL match vs. Bayern
Man City- 4 days after 2nd leg vs Monaco
Leicester City- 5 days after the 1st leg CL match w/ Sevilla
Arsenal vs Leicester – 4 days after Bayern 2nd leg + 3 days before Leicester’s 2nd leg
Manchester United vs City was scheduled in between but being rescheduled due to the FA Cup.
You would think the PL would try to avoid the marquee matches for the CL participants in the Round of 16 to help them advance in the competition.
For example with the 2015-16 final table,
1) Bayern play
Ingolstadt (11th, 40 points)
Hertha Berlin (7th, 50 points [38 from 1st])
Cologne (9th, 43 points)
Frankfurt (16th, 36 points)
2) Sevilla play
Eibar (14th, 43 points)
Betis (10, 45 points)
Leganes (promoted from 2nd division, 17th this year)
Athletico (3rd, 88 points)
3) Monaco play
Bastia (10, 50 points)
Guangamp (16, 44 points)
Bordeaux (11th, 50 points)
Caen (7th, 54 points, 42 behind PSG)
Only the Sevilla vs Athletico match would be considered at the same level as the 6 I mentioned scheduled by the PL, and that match happens after all the CL matches have been played.
Flares
Can you supply a list of players instead of taking cheap shots at an Arsenal legend. Paul may have had his battles but he was a hero as a player at Arsenal. In his pomp Tottenham would have had him in their present team. We await your list.
David Moyes?
Any takers?
anyone?
He was quite popular once upon a time with the dysphoric self declared experts in the three plus one sacred F’s: Football, Finance Fhysiotherpay (that’s how you spell it for unemployed liars who have the self declared credentials to criticise German WC winning physios etc) and of course last but definitely not least: Flatulance.
Should include not allowed to complain about fixture pile ups or lack of a winter break if the manager is used to one from a league that offers this.
Of all the fifteen items you’ve listed above Mr Crawshaw, but for the dangerous item 10 to happen, where most current top players at Arsenal could leave if Le Prof leaves, Le Prof should rather remain at Arsenal for another three years deal even if at the end of this current season Arsenal finished without winning any title, God forbids.
If Le Pro remains strong and kicking at the end of this season, and still wants to continues managing Arsenal, he should not allowed himself to be forced out or leave Arsenal by the media dissent and a section of Arsenal supporters’ outcries against him to prevail. Not after not seen his years of energy investment in senior and youth teams building development at Arsenal mature to maturity yet should he decides to leave Arsenal.
Should Le Prof leaves and a new manager takes over Arsenal next season, he’ll have a hard time to keep most of our top senior and youth players from exiting the club in annoyance. And should that happens, Arsenal will go through a senior and youth teams rebuilding process which may succeed quickly or slowly to achieve.I think the managerial and players capacity apparatus we have on ground now are better kept at the club. With the players quality periodically improved upon for an enhanced field performance. That should be the desirable option to go for IMHO.
Whilst I agree with the biggest part of this article, I have to put two asterisks at number 7 and 10:
7.”The new manager will need to spend money immediately, even though there is some extraordinary talent coming through from the youth team. These players should not be given a chance no matter how talented. Since all players of quality now know the trap that the fans have laid, and know that their careers can be ruined by a season at Arsenal, in which even trophies and fine performances can be seen as being of no worth, it will be extraordinarily hard to bring in players of the highest quality.”
If this indeed was the case, no player would have joined neither Chelsea (who was their last youngster promoted? John Terry?) as they have been buying new players and shipping their youngsters on loan across the world (in fact, if someone has barged into you in the public transportation this morning, it’s very likely he is a Chelsea youngster on loan at your local club) nor Manchester United (they signed one of the brightest talents in the world and before his second season at the club they took his No. 9 off him to give it to a recently signed 35-year-old superstar; to make things worse, Martial had kicked his own brand AM9 before Ibrahimović’s arrival; don’t let me start about Rashford and Ofosu-Mensah, two bright talents Van Gaal had nurtured, before Mourinho’s arrival).
Indeed, no player would have joined Arsenal after Özil (remember how vultures had been after him in his first season at Arsenal) or, hell, after Bergkamp (remember how Stuart Pearce, a man who was expected to judge the potential of all English footballers correctly, had claimed that Bergkamp would be a flop at Arsenal).
10: “Current players will leave with the current manager.
Although the media and some fans have a fantasy that the current manger is one of the worst managers of all time, most of the players at the club are unremitting in their admiration of Mr Wenger and will want to leave when he leaves, having had enough of endless press and fan abuse.”
Given the unique nature of Untold Arsenal’s evidence-based journalism, can you please back this claim up? I mean, “most players” would mean 13 players out of 25 would pack their bags if Mr Wenger leaves the club this summer which is a type of claim that makes Sir Hardly Anyone spilling his coffee over his keyboard. Hector Bellerin has signed a new contract until 2023, the French trio Kos-Coq-Ollie are tied until 2020, Santi Cazorla and Per Mertesacker have had their contracts extended for another year, Petr Čech has a contract until 2019… So far I can recall of only Mesut Özil connecting his future with the one of Mr Wenger.
I am afraid that anyone who had adored Cesc Fabregas (“Wenger was like a second father to me”, claimed Brutus Fabregas which should give a headache to every geneticist in the world who would try to figure out which DNA – Barcelona’s, Mr Wenger’s or his biological father’s – Fabregas actually has) knows that statements of the players mean zilch when they are put on the opposite side of wages. Yaya Toure had been expected to leave Manchester City as soon as Pep Guardiola’s plane landed in Manchester but he is still there. Ditto Juan Mata at Manchester United. In the football world ruled by the football agents, there is virtually no potential transfer that is out of the limits. As Walter brilliantly said once, there is no point of putting any other name on the shirt but my own because players come and go and I will never leave Arsenal.
Whoever becomes an Arsenal manager, he will have to realize:
1.that he has to fill the shoes of the most successful Arsenal manager ever,
2.that he has to keep the books balanced as Arsenal can’t afford two or three transfer windows with hundreds of millions wasted as Manchester United can,
3.that PGMO is probably the worst referees’ organization ever given the fact it exists in the democratic country and operates in the football league that is watched by hundreds of millions spectators,
4.that if PGMO vultures turn onto Arsenal players and himself, he will get no support from The Board in the battle against them,
5.that English football is right now laid on the manure foundations left by Alex Ferguson and nurtured by Jose Mourinho,
6.that Arsenal fans are arguably the most spoiled out there and that, just like those who claim George Graham was the best Arsenal manager ever and they were two-year-old when George Graham was boring his opponents and the spectators to death.
@ossasa,
Being a hero as a player does not immune them from being called out for taking cheap shots at their former club as a pundit. Unfortunately, Arsenal fans let former stars get away with this too often. In fact, these people would be called traitors in any other situation.
For example, you don’t hear Ferdinand talking bad United since SAF left, or Carragher or Owen talking bad about Liverpool even though they haven’t won the league since 1990. Certainly not as much as some of our former players do- Robson, Merson, Henry, etc.
But to answer your point, easily Sanchez, Ozil, Bellerin, and Koscielny would make a starting 11 of Arsenal-Spurs players. Many of the other positions could go either way as well.
If you believe that Merson’s comment is correct, then you must also be willing to admit that Wenger is a great tactician. Otherwise, there is no way to explain how a team that is supposedly inferior in 10/11 positions has the same exact point total and scoring more goals.
You forgot the media “experts”
Here’s one that any new manager should be forced to write an academic paper on how the following statement is correct.
“Against Chelsea, Mesut Ozil was outplayed by Kante”
(Please note: Your candidacy will be disqualified if you argue AGAINST the statement). After all, Sky pay us lots and lots of money!
Boring. More excuses for a lack of progress. Happy to stagnate. How very predictable.
oh no attack of the plebs
There is, perhaps, a gap between 14 and 15 so it reads
14: You must never show annoyance or frustration.
If you do you will be called “emotional” and “unreliable” and “unstable” and (if you are not English) “foreign”. Such comments once given will never be withdrawn.
15) Your fate is self-explanatory.
You must never dream of justice. There is no procedural redress against any negative comments from anyone, including loyal fans, who have been known to make comparisons between the team’s results and illnesses which can result in death; former players in the role of media pundits wanting your dismissal; journalists and former editors, who may have been sacked themselves in disgrace, who may never have played a minute of football in their life, but as the dingleberry-in-chief they can direct the shit in any direction they want; passing bus passengers, who know nothing about football, know nothing about you, but know your name, nationality, club, and who needs more?
15: Under no circumstances can Arsenal ever end up below Tottenham in the league.
The current manager has managed to do this, but gets no thanks for it. Even one season below Tottenham will result in your immediate eviction.
We wish you well in your application and look forward to interviewing for a job as Arsenal manager
How can anyone stick up for Merson! This guy gets paid a shed full of money, to make outrageous remarks about someone who stuck up for him in very difficult times.Just a little bit of loyalty would not go a miss.
It has been good to hear Martin Keown say some sensible things regarding AW.
Can’t believe all the brouhaha about the next Arsenal manager. Of course there will be one but not yet.
Between now and the season’s end there will be a surge towards some silverware which will offer a lifeline for dear old Arsene’s “final” season. (a bit like Sinatra….the mafia groupie and his final farewell concerts.)
My crystal ball is hazy about the precise circs but it can only be the CL, the EPL or the FA Cup.
All I WILL say is that the climate is perfect for Arsenal FC, i.e. the team not performing too well, star players out of form and the manager under siege.
Historically, the formula for success.
🙂
As a self appointed expert myself , I now sincerely and with hand in heart, unequivocally and categorically state that there is NOT a present Spurs player that would find a place in my Arsenal team .
In fact having followed English football for well over 45 years , there were only three of their players that I would have courted in all that time – Pat Jennings , Sol Campbell and Glenn Hoddle .
The first two did play for us with much success , and I am very sure that AW would not have hesitated to sign Hoddle if he were available and of a younger age.
I don’t rate any of their English players. Jan Vertonghen is a piece of shit, and while Hugo Lloris is decent enough, but not an improvement on what we have.
And as a warning to the younglings here , don’t ever listen to flawed , bitter ex-players who have failed in almost everything in their personal life. These are not role models for you to emulate .
Just say no !
More new words –
PARROTOXYSM -( Parrot + Paroxysm ) [ par-rot- uh k-siz uh m ]- The sudden and violent urge to repeat without understanding words or actions of another .
SHITACOSSIS – (Shit + Psittacosis )[ shit -tah- co-sis ] – The disease of parroting the shit and the crap of others by birdbrains.
SPEWTUM – (Spew + Sputum )[spyou -tum ] – To gush out ,discharge,vomit,eject , or clear the contents of one’s passages .
synonym – Expectorrent .
also , Japanese – bukkake.
Thanks for your sage contribution Ken now f**k off back to LeGrove and your fetid friends eagerly giving each other handjobs of joy when AFC lose or draw!
18. The new manager must always have trouble closing the zipper on his rain coat!
It’s now an Arsenal manager tradition.
@omgarsenal: Classy response. Well done.