The most amazing Arsenal transfer news of all, plus 3 players leaving, Wenger stupidity, genius discovered.


By Sir Hardly Anyone now in a new colour.


Part 1: Genius found


1.1: ‘Natural’ Reiss Nelson among Arsenal kiddies ‘very, very close’ to playing for the first team.  

In the good old days (before robots took over newspapers) when a player came back from a long injury he would be described as being “like a new signing”.  Then others would get angry and say “he’s not a new signing” and so another futile war of words ensued, and then the pubs closed at 11pm.

But now pubs are open 24 hours a day, and the question arises, if a brilliant young player emerges from the ranks of the youth team, is he a “new signing”?   Such ludicrous debate surround Reiss Nelson who Mr Wenger heaped praise on last season and suggested he would be in the first team squad this year.

And he (Mr W) has been at it again describing the young man as a “natural” while journalists, emerging from some light pre-lunchtime drinking wrote of his performance as “more exhilarating than the first pint of the day”.  (Actually I made that up – the journo in question was asleep at the time).

I am not too sure but I don’t think Nelson plays at right back normally, but he looks very good wherever he plays (which to my eyes seemed to be in about three different positions at once yesterday).

Mr Wenger said, “Some of the players I’ve had in my career have turned 18 years old and it seems natural for them to be on the pitch. They just think, ‘Let’s play’ and Reiss behaves like that.”

1.2:  Cohen Bramall

He’s the young man we got from Hednesford Town and who played for such luminaries as Kidsgrove Athletic, Alsager Town, Nantwich Town, Market Drayton and Newcastle Town.  He also won plaudits – but here’s the thing – he is over 21 (not under as was mistakenly suggested by Tony – Andrew quickly correcting the error).  So does he get a “25” place?

Tony: Arse you suggesting I made a mistake?
Sir H: Well you did say…
Tony: Outside!  Now!

Part 2:  Arsenal buying

2.1  Arsenal “increasingly confident” of signing Lemar for £45m from Monaco but Tottenham lurking.

Mr W has spoken of three transfers in the summer, and the third could be this one.  The story is that bids of £30m and £40m have been rejected by Monaco but Arsenal are getting close.

Lemar scored 14 goals and made 14 assists in all competitions for Monaco last season.  But it is being said that Tottenham are going to use the money from the sale of Kyle Walker to buy Thomas Lemar which is a bit of a pesky thing to do.

2.2   Kylian Mbappe to Arsenal: Arsene Wenger offered more than £123m 

Yes the deal is still doing the rounds.   Manchester United, Manchester City, Liverpool have all been lined up on this story, along with the dominant news that Monaco (average crowd lower than Milton Keynes Dons) were not selling.

Man City are upping their interest because finally, finally, finally (talk about being slow off the mark) they know that they can’t have Alexis.  What sleeping pills are they putting in the coffee at in the norf these days?

Part 3: Outs (or maybe that is in and out and shake it all about)

3.1 The Ox (or El Buey as he would be called if he played in Spain).

We’re into a new phase – the swap deal.  It often happens two weeks into a window as the journalists find their notebooks have become unreadable (Guinness leaves such a stain) and they go back to basics.   Here’s one: “Arsenal have offered Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain to Chelsea in exchange for Nemanja Matic.”

Do you believe that?   I suspect not.

Meanwhile having signed a new contract last season, “Olivier Giroud will make a decision on whether he will stay or leave Arsenal in the next 10 days.”  Actually guys, he signed a new contract so the decision is not up to him.  But that doesn’t stop journalists saying that West Ham, Everton, Lyon, Marseille, AC Milan and Borussia Dortmund are interested.

3.2  Wellington Silva

What? I hear you shout.  We sold Wellington after five years of loan deals.  He went to Levante, Alcoyano, Ponferradina, Murcia, Almeria and Bolton before signing for Fluminese in 2016.  But now it is being said that Arsenal have activated Wellington’s release clause so they regain him only to flog him to Bordeaux.  How odd is that!?!

3.3 Jack Wilshere

Sampdoria want him, allegedly.  They have offered 6 million euros.   West Ham, Everton, Lyon, Marseille, AC Milan and Borussia Dortmund have all been linked with a move for him.    Speaking in Sydney, he said leaving is an option.

3.4 Bellerin

Apparently Barcelona have given up on him.  Actually the journalists have realised that even the incredibly stupid people who believe the football rumours have a limit as to what they will accept and the Bellerin story has been done to death and anyway was all fake from the start.

Part 4:   Injury and Wengerian stupidity and ineptitude

The pre-season has started so we absolutely need stories of Arsenal injuries, because it is enshrined in the constitution (or at least it would be if Britain could be arsed to have a constitution but if we did it would have to say the UK has to have Bishops in the House of Lords by right, and then people would ask why? and that would be the end of our civilisation) that every summer we have stories of Arsenal injuries.  No matter how many times we show figures that reveal Arsenal do not get more injuries than everyone else WE MUST HAVE INJURY STORIES.

It started with the hoax that Santi Caz would never play again, or at least not until next March, and now we have the bloggettas suggesting that Elneny played yesterday when injured.  And worse, so lost in Wenger in his understanding of football that Elneny played at centre back.

The reality is that a lot of player experimentation goes on in friendlies to find out if players can play in different positions, if needed.  “If needed” can mean because we have a run of injuries and suspensions in one position, or for Europa or League Cup matches where there isn’t a junior player available in that position, or it is felt that some experience is needed to hold the back line together as youngsters get their chance.

Worries have been expressed because “Arsenal were only 1-0 up at the time”.  I think the reason for the pre-season friendly has been rather lost in some quarters.

And the latest rumour of injury is Ramsey – he didn’t play so he must be.

Part 5: Not arriving

Not arriving Dalbert who we were previously told was arriving.  He’s going to Inter.  Allegedly.  He was going there all along, although apparently there is a row over the price.  Nice want £26.5m.  Wenger was just too slow.  Again.

And there you have it, or if you don’t I’ll do it again in a few days time.

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8 Replies to “The most amazing Arsenal transfer news of all, plus 3 players leaving, Wenger stupidity, genius discovered.”

  1. A bit of a pesky thing to do? But if Arsenal continue to delay to sign Lemar, possibly due to a disagreement with Monaco on the cost of his transfer fee as asked for by Monaco. But if Tottenham Hotspur want the player too and have prioritize his signing too this summer as Arsenal have done, but they have no sufficient cash available in their hands to enabled them submit a bid to Monaco to sign Lemar, but if they succeed to sell their Kyle Walker in the next few days to Man City for the reported £50m, and Arsenal continue to stall in not getting the deal for Lemar over the line, will Tottenham Hotspur try to hijack the transfer of Lemar from Arsenal? Not minding if the player cost is in excess of £45m. Which if they do, will be usual. For, Spurs are not known to spend such a big money on a single incoming player transfer in a window before.

    Nevertheless, there is the first time to do something. In that wise, if Spurs got the £50m from Walker’s sales to Man City, and are armed with that big cash of money and also with the added excess money they got from the Sky Sports & BT Sports TV share out money to all the PL clubs at the end of last season’s campaign. With their new White Hart Lane cash consuming Stadium project in their hands, will Spurs be in a position to hijack Lemar’s transfer from Arsenal if they want to do it by submitting a higher bid to Monaco for Lemar transfer to them than the Arsenal last bid submitted to have Lemar transferred to us which is claimed to be £40m? Let’s wait and see what will happen finally.

  2. Love the (fictional) banter with Sir H and Tony. Since I imagine Sir H is not even real; was that a Fight Club conversation between Tony and himself? If so, who would win in a fight?
    Alas Sir H might just be a pen name for some other Untold, so my fun might be bridled.

  3. @ Samuel

    Your response is so typical of the type of hypothesizing that goes on and why it has no value. Let’s just take a look at what you’ve said:

    “if Arsenal continue to delay”. Do you know for certain that this is the case? NO

    “due to a disagreement with Monaco on the cost”. Do you know about the cost? NO

    ” if Tottenham Hotspur want the player too”. Do you know they want the player? NO

    “and have prioritize his signing too”. Do you know they have? NO

    “as Arsenal have done”. Do you know Arsenal have? NO

    “they [Tottenham] have no sufficient cash available” Do you know this? NO

    “if they succeed to sell their Kyle Walker in the next few days to Man City” Do you know that this transfer is happening? NO

    “for the reported £50m”. “Reported”!!! Do you know though? NO

    “and Arsenal continue to stall”. Do you know Arsenal are “stalling”? NO

    And that is just your first paragraph!! This is why anybody with an ounce of sense waits for an announcement on You have an entire paragraph of entirely interdependent speculation, all based on sources that we know to be 97% unreliable. What on earth is the point???

    Nothing personal, I just used your post as a perfect example of why it is so ludicrous to take any notice of anything in the transfer window.

  4. SamuelAkinsolaAdebosin was just assuming he did not point out he knew anything for definite he he pointing out what could happen, but lets face it Wenger does have a track record for being to slow & we all know his penny pinching ways. but to be fair wee all have an idea of Wengers ways are & spending money is not his strong point i do agree that the transfer window their is a lot of bullshitting going on look at Benzema last season people with audatious claims they knew his agent his mom & dad his uncle his aunties even big claims they where personal friends of his to hear them talk, what a farce this turned out to be talk about egg on their faces.

  5. Jason, you said
    Wenger does have a track record for being to slow & we all know his penny pinching ways

    I would love to see your evidence of this compared to other clubs. We’re trying to build a database of the speed at which Arsenal sign players compared to everyone else, but it is a huge huge task and is taking forever. The evidence we have suggests the opposite, but if you have some data please share it – it is going to save us all a huge amount of time.

  6. @ Billy, bloke down pub said, ergo it is the law. Everyone knows that.

    Also I’m sure those upstanding pillars of “Wellington bomber found on moon” journalshits would happily corroborate.

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