Although all the 2,500 tickets for the fabuloso Sportzentrum Neusiedl were sold out weeks ago, the local lake has been rising and falling with no apparent connection with the weather situation and the authorities are concerned, shocked, amazed, amused and annoyed.
The lake bed has totally dried up at least 100 times since its formation and indeed wasn’t there at all in 1866, when current Sportclub Neusiedl am See 1919 manager and local duck farmer Gottlieb Wenzel, took over the club. I was pleased to interview him yesterday afternoon and can report that he had a penetrating sort of laugh rather like a train going into a tunnel.
The last (brief and partial) vanishing of the lake (and the football ground) took place during the summer of 1949 when the northern part of the lake bed (approximately the size of Tottenham) dried up, causing a diversion of traffic from the North Circular Road, across western Europe and into Neusiedl itself. The event is celebrated with a stamp.
Now there is a warning that the change is happening again, and it is anticipated that by kick off time Sportclub Neusiedl am See 1919 could be under water or half way up a mountain. Only time will tell!
Part of the problem is the Hanság swamp on which Sportclub Neusiedl am See 1919 exists, and which is known to be the home to at least six different varieties of vampire, several of whom have played for Sportclub Neusiedl am See 1919 in recent years, two of whom are still on the books of Manchester City. Man City’s chairman, Sheikh Yermoney, refused to apologise for his venture into Austria. “It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them,” he said.
Much of the lake is surrounded by volcanic dust which serve as a habitat for young creatures who believe that they will one day will play for Blackburn. (There is also a growing number of local missionaries working in the area, telling these sad young men that they deserve more from life, and seeking to sign them up with Hardcastle Wanderers in the Beezer Homes League Division Four South (west).
But the evil trade continues and the players are harvested in winter as soon as the ice is solid enough for the northern England scout ships). Indeed it is said that in February the blood flows freely around Little Lever, Great Lever and Bradley Ford.
However there have been many tales of the vampiric natives attacking the craft – something that is to be applauded by all supporters of true football on the Isle of Wight who are even as we speak (metaphorically) are attempting to persuade the FA to move Wembley to a spot off the Hampshire coast.
During the summer months, there are occasional fires, as captured English football club agents are easily flammable and the dancing continues long into the night. Much of the area has now been turned over to a golf course, but there have been complaints that players are missing short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.
Several plans for the removal of the vampires, butterflies and other intrusive species have been discussed by the Austrian FA but they have come to nothing.
In 1971 plans for a bridge across the Austrian part of the lake were thwarted by supporters of Sunderland who have also started recruiting players among the alien life forms in the area. Traces of human settlement around the far end of White Hart Lane in north London have been shown to be directly related to lake creatures from the neolithic period, when both Sportclub Neusiedl am See 1919 and Tottenham were in the second division of the Visigoth Empire League – a sad moment in Austrian history, and one that the locals do not like to be reminded of.
The club itself had its best period in the 1990s under the management of Theodoric the Great, who also became king of the Ostrogoths in the afternoon when the players were not training. His motto, “Flowers are happy things,” is printed on the wall of the north end of the stadium.
Thus Lake Neusiedl suffers from an impossible array of problems: predatory football scouts from the north of England, changing sea levels and vampires. There is also some commercial fishing. But the locals are plucky fellows, and we must not forget the annual freestyle mass crossing of the football ground during the summer when it is underwater. Everybody who can swim and is more than 160 cm in height can participate in this event, which dates back to 1204 – that is just before lunch.
Arsenal’s team for today’s match:
Almunia the Brave
Sagna the gold, Nordveit the Norse, Koscielny the unsayable, Clichy the fast
Frimpong the unknown,
Lansbury the misspelled Henri, Emmanuel Thomas the Tree
Arshavin the tax, Chamakh the new, Vela the Smiley.
After the match there will be a collection for the water buffalo.
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