By Sir Hardly Anyone.
So here we have it: the Laugh of the Week…
Arsenal suffer massive injury blow as top four hopes take battering
Yes that’s the horror headline from the bloggetta IB Times which appeared on many of the news accumultor sites. Click on it, and in HUGE bold letters it really looks bad…
Arsenal injury news: Aaron Ramsey misses loss against Tottenham with groin injury
Which somewhat confirms the headline although a groin injury isn’t normally a “massive injury blow”. So we read on and underneath is says.
“The setback has been categorised as ‘minor’.”
Oh. IB Times, you win our highly prized Prat of the Week Award. Quite probably Prat of the Season.
Thinking on this there comes a point where some of these stories must be considered not just “journalistic license” for two reasons. First because they are not written by journalists, and second they is no such thing as “journalistic licence” because journalists are supposed to reflect the truth.
I know that is laughable these days but that is the actual idea. In our society we have artistic licence, because artists intend to interpret reality to help those who wish to see reality from a different angle. But that is not what newspapers and bloggettas proclaim. They proclaim the truth. If they are wanting to proclaim alternative reality they ought to tell us on the headline.
Of course they are aided by the likes of Craig Burley who told ESPN in September last year, “I’m telling you, Arsenal fans: you are spineless. You are the mirror image of your team: weak, mentally weak.
“They follow their club across Europe and up and down the country in England, and they accept the mediocrity.”
Mind you this is the man who admitted that when he signed for Celtic he didn’t actually know that Rangers had just won the league championship nine times in a row, so I am not sure either his judgement or his knowledge is fully reliable.
Anyway, moving on…
This week’s trend has been to insist that in all the cases of rumour where the predicted transfer does not happen, it is Arsenal’s fault where the deal does is not there – and it is because Arsenal would not meet the valuation. Although quite how this explains the lack of a sale of Bellerin last summer I am not sure. The Bellering sale (Bellering with a g is a new word meaning bouncing off and then bouncing back again) was predicted by every “outlet” as the bloggettas call the media these days. It makes them sound like drainpipes and gutters. Which could be the origin of the phrase “gutter press”
So bearing all this in mind, here are some more wild ravings from people with an internet connection.
1: The keeper part one
According to the Daily Canon Arsenal are looking at Jack Butland and replacement for Petr Cech in the summer.
What is funny is that the Canon now won’t quote its source as the Sun, but instead quotes it as “The S*n” which is really odd. Are we supposed to play guessing games with the asterisk? The Sin, perhaps. The Sign? Anyway they have Arsenal “linked us with a £40m move for Stoke City’s keeper Jack Butland.”
The story is that the keeper is “a big target for Liverpool, who are also after a new keeper, and that Arsenal will compete with them. Butland has played 24 games for Stoke this season and could find himself playing in the Championship next season.”
101 Great Goals has him down as “one of the greatest keepers in the world”.
2: The keeper part two
Apparently Mundo Deportivo has a report on the future of Barcelona goalkeeper Jasper Cillessen and the asterisk loving Cann*n go for that one too. No mention about what will happen to any of the three highly rated keepers we have besides Cech and Ospina, two of whom are in our 25.
3: Arsenal ready to battle with Spurs for Watford midfielder
“Abdoulaye Doucoure has excelled for Watford since breaking into the side at the start of 2017,” we are told by one of the major sources in world football, the Hertfordshire Mercury. It says Doucoure’s current contract runs until the summer of 2020 “and there is talk that Watford are keen to tie him down to a longer deal, but nothing has been signed yet.” So Arsenal it is.
4: Lemar – it is all definitively on.
Yep the Daily Star says the transfer of Tomas Lemar, which we have long since reported is an absolutely definite we are going to sign him, style transfer, is definitely on. They are just a bit late with the report.
5: Arsenal scouts check again on £52m Benfica star
Arsenal scouts made another check on Benfica’s Serbian midfielder Andrija Zivkovic yesterday, according to a report in Portugal. The Record reports that Arsenal representatives watched Zivkovic against Portimonense. And Team Talk tells us “they cannot have failed to have been impressed by the 21-year-old, who started and had a big impact before scoring late on in a 3-1 win.”
6: Karim Benzema – for the 934th year running
The rumours regarding Karim Benzema is that he is a man on the move out of Madrid. In this report from Diario Gol, Florentino Perez wants to sell Karim Benzema for around €60 million, with the only club silly enough to be interested in him being Arsenal.
7: Oguzhan Ozyakup – the big return
Arsenal have made a contract offer our former player Oguzhan Ozyakup, according to the Daily Mail who clearly have someone with a Turkish English translating device as they claim to have found the tale in Aksam which found it in Milliyet. Milliyet is a popular newspaper in Turkey, but Askam I’m not 100% sure about.
Anyway it claims Arsenal are offering their ex “a deal” now that his contract with Besiktas is over. He has played over 150 times for Besi.
8. Max Meyer
In big big headlines the Daily Express claim that Arsenal and Liverpool are preparing a summer battle for highly rated Schalke star. Oh yes and this is an EXCLUSIVE. Indeed they tell us “ARSENE WENGER has earmarked German ace Max Meyer as a main summer transfer target.
That’s it. I’m taking bets on how many of those are true. If it is zero or one, you pay me.
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