By Sir Hardly Anyone
I have been remiss, for I have failed in the past to dedicate my regular transfer column to all the “journalists” (I use the word lightly) of the various bloggettas and newspapers (I again, use terms without a clear definition) from the mighty Foot Lond with its 40 Arsenal stories a day to the meanest once a week “outlet” writing in a foreign tongue.
For without these drainpipes [ie “outlets” – Sir Hardly is being obtuse; Tony] my column would have been finished in half the time. But as it is I strive on, and bring you today a summary of the violent injury done daily to both the English language and our sense of reality.
Of course I don’t know any of the people who run the multiple story sites producing the same tales with different headlines day after day, but I have the image of an editor behind a desk with splayed feet and four chins who does not let a day pass without a pint or three of port facing a bunch of trembling copyists who stand in front of him with their knees shaking as their legs wobble like asparagus stalks.
So where have we got to?
1: Matteo Guendouzi.
RMC Sport has allegedly reported that this 19-year-old is “set to fly” over to England for his medical within the next 24 hours. Whether a plane is involved we know not especially as the old “spotted at the airport” story has not been resurrected. Perhaps it is a change in fashion. “Matteo Guendouzi drops a big hint that he could be heading for Arsenal this summer on social media” according to The Sport Review.
Note the club is not involved. Only social media that aribter of all things true and untrue.
2: Is Ramsey going? Gomes, Nzonzi and Banega
No one knows, but the general story is that if he don’t sign the new deal soon he’ll be sold to Chelsea and Manchester United (both at once presumably since the scribblers in each case seem certain) and we will bring in more and more and more and more midfielders.
In a unique twist the Star is quoting the Daily Mirror’s 40 a day site Football London to report that “Arsenal have identified Stephen Nzonzi, Ever Banega and Andre Gomes as potentials,” which isn’t exactly news. Gomes has alleged never settled at Barcelona. Nzonzi and Banega have worked with Mr Emery at Sevilla.
But Sport Review say Arsenal will compete with Everton and West Ham United to sign France and Sevilla midfielder Steven N’Zonzi, according to a report which they found in the Daily Mirror, which owns Foot Lond who say they found it in Le10 Sport.
Confused? You won’t be after…
3: Jean-Michel Seri
Jean-Michel Seri of the Ivory Coast has been “spotted in London” (again not at the airport) ahead of a potential move to the Premier League, where he has been widely linked with a move to Arsenal, Chelsea and West Ham. Presumably all at once.
Seri has just a year left on his contract with Nice but Lucas Torreira coming in could mean Seri doesn’t come to us, which is a bit like saying “it will rain, although all this sunshine could mean that it won’t.”
4: Some stories make no sense no matter how hard we try: Monreal
“Shock sale of popular Arsenal man would help Emery rectify familiar weakness pronounces Surprise Monreal sale” which would “allow Emery to add power to his Arsenal defence.”
The report which originates in the Mirror and thus has been all over Foot Lond is that Spanish teams can persuade Monreal to “come home”. But Arsenal are not willing to sell him. Which makes it not a story. And makes little sense in running it.
And what was that “familiar weakness”? We are not told.
5: “Makes not sense 2”: Yacine Adli is not coming
“Arsenal head coach Unai Emery changed his mind about tying up a deal for Paris Saint-Germain ace Yacine Adli, according to Football.London.” That is on the Express website today as a new item. And yet according to “reports” that deal was done weeks ago. And also it wasn’t done weeks ago after the kiddie changed his mind.
6: Ozil is not leaving despite Star being silly.
This is not so much a heads up as a heads down: “Arsenal transfer news: Lucas Torreira deal involves Mesut Ozil decision as move nears” “Involves”? The involvement is who get what squad number. Ozil wants no 10. Oh for goodness sake.
7: Some clubs are bigger idiots than Arsenal
According to lots of bloggettas, Mustafi is an awful player. Just like Xhaka is, or was, because most have changed their mind about Xhaka. According to lots of bloggettas, Arsenal always get their purchases wrong, missing out on the best players by being too slow, making the wrong moves, being too mean and so on. As the Mirror says today Arsenal could have had Harry McGuire if only they had listened to Martin Keown.
So how does that square with Mustafi going to Juventus? No explanation is offered, except that they never said it. Because it was all “according to reports.”
Juventus have just won the Cup and League double in Italy four seasons in a row. Mustafi is useless. Square these two points and make a circle.
8: Goncalo Guedes.
According to Football Fan Cast, Spanish radio station Cadena Cope, have claimed that Arsenal had made an enquiry about the availability of Paris Saint-Germain winger Goncalo Guedes who spent last season on loan at Valencia. Football Fan Cast did a poll and of those who replied the majority said no to the idea.
Which is interesting, because so many loans simply don’t work out, with players hardly playing, or being played out of position, having been taken on as backups in case of injury. What is interesting is that he is a PSG man, and so was Arsenal’s manager, so Mr Emery might have a greater insight.
Of course we don’t know – it is just that the interesting bits of some of these stories so often seem to be missing from the reports.
There will of course be more missing bits, anon. Meanwhile, in case you have forgotten, the wheels on the bus go round and round. All day long.
EXCLUSIVE: The complete list of the 104 players Arsenal are said to be signing this summer.
Who are Arsenal buying? Opinion, it seems, is divided.
The nation goes bonkers but no one can tell the difference