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This transfer makes no sense: worrying times indeed for Arsenal

By Sir Hardly Anyone

Many people question why I hang around in public houses as derelict and beaten up as the Toppled Bollard on Wapping Swamp, talking to derelict and beaten up so-called football journalists in an attempt to find out who is going to transfer to Arsenal this week.

And I must admit the Bollard is an odd place, a historic old house reminding one of London’s long forgotten past, a real old-world chateau full of interesting objects from the Ancien Régime largely in the form of newspaper scribblers.  It is a relic of the past – a place full of old men with no knowledge making up stories, and then for the price of a pint selling them on to editors who claim to have got the tales from obscure foreign journals they know, no one in the UK will ever read.

But now the entire system is under threat, as Sport Witness have run the headline: “Arsenal look best placed to sign Brazilian, but move still doesn’t make sense.”  Worse, it seems to come from an actual (rather than made up) foreign web site.

Now this notion that a transfer rumour doesn’t make sense has, up to this point been the property of Untold Arsenal, and thus I considered piece with concern and interest.

But fortuntely for me, Sport Witness stops short of asking that most vital of questions: “Why?”   In this case, “why does the story that makes no sense get replicated in the media?”   Is it because the story is made up by a football journalist, or because Arsenal is run by dopes who go round doing things that make no sense?

The site doesn’t say, but the thought that another sober person has entered the Toppled Bollard and started to write down what the “journalists” are mumbling is worrying.  But nevertheless I shall pass the matter on for the tale here is that “Arsenal are named today as the most likely club to land the Valencia goalkeeper Norberto Neto this summer,” according to  Deporte Valenciano, who say “El Arsenal parece el mejor colocado para hacerse con sus servicios y el brasileño podría terminar en la Premier, si sale del Valencia el equipo de Marcelino le echará de menos.”

Worrying times indeed, and I was pondering the matter deeply in the Bollard when a jolly upstart from Foot Lond, driven to despair by the need to create 40 new stories a day for that website, starting shouting a story into his walkie-talkie (or “smart-phone” as these journos like to call it).

Looking at the man my first emotion was one of surprise that so much human tonnage could have been assembled at one spot but I quickly refocussed and listened.

“The players linked with an Arsenal transfer today” he shouted above the din, as journalists stumbled over each other  having consumed their tenth whisky since breakfast, By passing the debris I scuttled up to him and ask for the low down.  His tales and those from assorted other sources are reported below…

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1: Saliba

At first I think he is saying hello in his usual slurred style, but actually he is referring to  the Saint Etienne defender whom the club wants to loan to Arsenal. Arsenal however don’t want a loan deal, and as a result the player’s agent is in Manchester although whether this is because he is lost or because he just likes the weather there, no one is sure.

2: Dorukhan Tokoz

Up next comes Dorukhan Tokoz a 23 year old playing for Beşiktaş.   AC Milan and Napoli are also said to be interested and the demanded price is €25m.

I once asked a newspaper publisher why he allowed such tittle tattle to be published in his newspaper.  “As a publisher,” the old boy said, “I deplore the habit of my journalists of making stories up and then publishing them as if true, but looking at my bank balance I find love it.  Football supporters seem to want such gibberish even though they know it is fantasy, and it makes me money, so you can’t say fairer than that.”

3: Yannick Carrasco

Moving on we spoke of this Belgian international who have been talked up by the Spanish paper Sport, and Sport Witness since last year.  The Sun now has him at 1/10 to sign.  He’s a winger with Dalian Yifang for whom he played 31 times last season, scoring 11.  He is now aged 25.  He has 31 caps for his country.

4:  Kieran Tierney

It was at this point that my informant in the Bollard emitted a strange hissing sound like the death-rattle of a soda-water siphon.   Picking him up off the floor and offering a restorative pint in Bells whisky I was told that Tierney is a Celtic player, who is currently unable to play as he has just had an operation, is tipped to complete Arsenal transfer by… well of course Foot Lond.   He’s 22 and he’s a left back who has played 12 times for Scotland and over 100 times for Celtic.

5:  Jordan Veretout

It was at this point that the entity from the Metro turned up at the Toppled Bollard.  Upon entering he seemed to have a certain degree of difficulty focussing on the room into which he had entered, blinking furiously reminding me (for I am of an age to be so reminded) of a knight at the court of King Arthur at Camelot, had jumped up on his trusty steed and galloped off to rescue a fair maiden in distress or some such deed of  derring-do, only to collide with a tree after five yards.

“Arsenal receive major transfer boost after approach for £27m midfielder,” he shouted to no one in particular before passing out.  Peering at him I found a copy of the report he had just emiled his editor, still wet in his hands.  It announced that Jordan Veretout’s agent has said his man is moving to a ‘big club’ and the unfortunate scribbler suggesting that much mean Arsenal, or perhaps somewhere else.

The player is with Fiorentina, he is a midfielder, he played for a while with Aston Villa, and now wants to come back to England.

And thus noting another jaunty ten minutes has now passed, I leave the famed drinking hole, and return to what counts for civilisation.

5 comments to This transfer makes no sense: worrying times indeed for Arsenal

  • Grandad

    Saliba and Tierney would be excellent buys.Top class young talents.

  • Masterstroke

    The return of Martinez looks like being the best ‘transfer’ of our season so far. He might even give Leno a run for his money, such is his improvement while on loan at Birmingham.

  • Jezzy

    Supposedly we are favourites to sign Kieran Tierney by Skybet, no idea where they’re getting this information from though.

    Obviously 99% of transfer rumours are fake, so I can only hope this one slots into that 1%. With the potential sale of Monreal we’re going to be in need of a LB as well, so I think this one might just have some legs. Would be a brilliant purchase, in my opinion.

  • Masterstroke

    Jazzy
    I think Monreal has been given another year.

  • Samuel Akinsola Adebosin

    Will the 3 young Gunners of: Eddie Nkethia, Joseph Willock and Reiss Nelson who have proved to have the talent in them step up to strongly perform for Arsenal on the consistent level next season in all competitions, showing great individual and collective ability and capability to play consistently starting up to 50 games for the club? Save any substitutions for any them in games, will the trio have the stamina to play up to full 90 minutes plus in every of the 50 games they’ll start without dropping off in top performance when playing? I think after these 3 young Gunners have played in the pre-season games for Arsenal and convinced the doubters that they have what it takes to get them promoted to the first team squad of the club next season. Us Gooners will be on the lookout then to see if these trio young Gunners will earn promotions to the first team squad of the club permanently next season. But would Emery possibly allow the 7 able young Gunners of: Holding, Chambers, Guendouzi, AMN, Nelson, Willock and Iwobi to form the nucleus of Arsenal first team 18 man match day squad that’ll will be starting games and playing in them regularly in all competitions for the club next season to see if they’ll give Arsenal a regular game winning permanence in all matches next season? But for his rehabilitation after recovering from injury, Holding could get delayed for the new season start to play for Arsenal. But If things go well and fine for the 6 out of the 7 young Gunners that sees them pass the pre-season games test with flying colours during the club pre-season games tour. Then the six young Gunners should start starting games for the club in the opening season games next season to see if they can go far as far as to start up to 50 games or above for the club.