By Sir Hardly Anyone
The Toppled Bollard, home to the journalistic elite who day by day invent transfer tales of which just three percent per annum are true, is once more fully open. Journalists are all wearing face masks decorated with their favourite slogans (“Get in there” is the most popular) and spend their hours trying to drink through the gauze and plastic.
Meanwhile names there are a-flashing around and when they do flash a strange, almost unearthly light comes into the eyes of the hackneyed hacks as they see a chance of getting a bit of their own back on wayward editors by slipping through totally untrue stories which the top men, distracted by a passing female member of staff, let slip into the newspaper’s headlines. Tales like…
1: Jack Grelish (Aston Villa)
“Arsenal, more than most clubs in the Premier League, will be eager to get business done early in the upcoming transfer window.” So proclaims FoLo. But why? Surely doing that will mean no more news for the hacks. And odd approach to one’s job.
Anyway, just like newspapers need creative players who can write English so FoLo tell us that Arsenal need creative players progress the ball into the final third, and something I thought everyone knew, but still a point that Dahlia Hound-Waver proclaims is of value.
2: Arsenal have been looking at the Stade de Reims defender Axel Disasi, according to Charles Watts.
“Do you know,” said a thoughtful Bean AnGone from the Excess, “If all the players Arsenal have tried to sign and failed to sign were placed end to end, they would reach halfway down Piccadilly.”
“Further than that,’ said Eggy Chips of the Metro, and Sun and…. “Some of them were pretty tall.”
3: Smith Rowe
“Arteta names one player” says This is futbol.
“I could name several, “says Shelly Beetle of The Smudge. “Gabriel Martinelli, Joe Willock and Reiss Nelson,” and oh how everyone in the Bollard applauded.
But This is insist it is Smith Rowe of whom we should take note so note we take. D sharp is proclaim appropriate.
4 Marc Roca
According to Calciomercato, AC Milan want him. “The Spain U21 international is set to leave Espanyol following their relegation from La Liga,” said one journo whom I didn’t know. And then he uttered a sound much like a bull dog swallowing a pork chop whose dimensions it has underestimated and I realised it was Small Bachelor of The Times.
“I may as well inform you that he turned Arsenal down,” said a passing pip squeak.
“Turned Arsenal down?” we shouted in combined amazement.
“Like a bedspread. In this very garden,” said the passer by, ignoring the fact that we were in a pub.
“Chelsea winger Willian has said that he is keen to stay in London amid talk of joining Arsenal this summer,” says the excitable Football London,
The reporter however then had a confusion of ideas between himself and one of the barmaids. The Fo Lo man thought for a second he was hunting wild animals in Kenya – something that had caused his premature departure from the Sun after he announced a lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn’t. As a result he moved to the FoLo deceased reporters section – a noisy bunch who become over excited after dark.
The Brazil international is out of contract at Stamford Bridge we were told.
Joelson Fernandes is sporty, and so Arsenal want him, according to Gooner Talk. Arsenal have offered Sporting £13.6 million for the 17-year-old. “That would be what you call news,” said a passer by, and everyone wrote his words down.
And then, as the Bollard’s Porcupine Rigoletto (the dish of the day) turned to ashes in our mouths and those of us still alive paraded into the street, all socially distanced of course, another lunchtime session ended. “Back at four?” asked Any Oompus-Boompus. “At the latest,” was the uniform reply, as we marched on our way to satisfy our editors.
- Still getting Arsenal’s history wrong, after all these years
- Liverpool and Leeds knock back chances of stadium return for next season
- When spending a fortune in football can go seriously wrong
- 93 players rumoured to be going to Arsenal. Are the journos getting lazy?
- The home and away scandal: ignorance, or cover up?
- The reason why Liverpool and Man C are ahead of Arsenal.
- How which referee a club gets has a major impact on the result of each game
- The statistical evidence that shows PGMO are biased against Arsenal