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What a total bloody disaster, fiasco and utter cock-up

By Billy “The Dog” McGraw, (ably assisted once again by his nurse).


I speak, in my headline, of course, about the line up for the EPL game or “clash” as the media like to call it, Arsenal vs Western Pornography.

I mean, what sort of shambles of a club gets into this situation? Two on-form goalkeepers, both fit, and we can only play one of them.  What’s the point of that?

And if that is a nonsense, look at the midfield.   Song of course will play, and the anti-Arsenal mobsters will quietly forget all their criticisms of him, and how they tried to remove him from the club.

But who else?


  • Denilson
  • Diaby
  • Cesc
  • Nasri
  • Rosicky

All vying for two places.  Why can’t Wenger not just have the right players for the right places, instead of wasting all this money on salaries?

Then think of the forwards…

  • Walcott
  • Arshavin
  • Chamakh
  • Bendtner

At least Van Persie and Ramsey have the decency to be injured, and Wilshere is banned.  If they weren’t all out we would be looking the absolute laughing stock of the football league.

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But as it is we have five midfielders vying for two positions and four forwards trying to cram themselves into three.  No wonder the rest of the football world is laughing.  (Actually Billy it’s me that you can hear laughing – Ed)

Just look at our results!!! (and I use the exclamation mark advisably) We have only won two of our last two league games.  In the league cup we have also only managed two wins and a miserable eight goals against nincompoops like the very tiny totts, and the incomprehensible north easterners who seemed to think (at least from their songs) they were at some kind of dog race meeting.  I mean!

In the last three games we’ve scored 12 and let in one, which just about proves it to me that Arshavin is bloody useless – not least because most of the time he wasn’t even on the pitch.  What sort of a player is that?  Like that stupid Robert Pires, he only ever played an hour of each match and then trotted off.

So what are we going to do?

Here’s a possible team


Sagna  Koscielny  Squillaci  Clichy [Djourou, Eboue]

Song [Eastmond]

Cesc  Nasri [Denilson, Rosicky, Lansbury]

Theo  Chamakh  Arshavin [Bendtner, JET]

So do you want to know what is wrong with that team?  I will tell you what is wrong with that team.  Just look at what those august people from the anti-Arsenal Arsenal Association of something beginning with A and quite rude (AAAAA) have said about these players.  Then you will know what is wrong my friends…

  • Fabianski – Flapianski.  Probably ok in League Two
  • Sagna – Too slow, poor crosses, can’t tackle
  • Koscielny – A back up player nothing more.  We needed a world class defender not an unknown
  • Squillaci – Past it.  We are totally exposed at the back
  • Clichy- see Sagna
  • Song – not fit to wear the shirt (that after the Fulham game about 3 years ago)
  • Cesc – heart is not in it – his mind is already in Spain
  • Nasri – Zidane?  Don’t make me laugh.  When did he last score a goal.  Oh, well yes, but apart from that.  And that.  And that.  And that.
  • Theo – never developed, injury prone, won’t make it, can’t even make the world cup team, waste of money (that at the end of last season)
  • Chamakh – good players don’t come on free transfers
  • Arshavin – lazy, not interested and that stat about providing more passes for goals, as well as scoring a few, is just plain wrong.  You can prove anything with statistics.

So there you are.  A load of drivel the lot of them.  They should have listened to me and bought Crouch.

[At this point medics arrived and removed Mr Dog from the 19th story at the Untold Empire and placed him in the dungeon – sorry basement medical centre.  Time being short the editor was invited to conclude the piece].

So kiddiwinks, here we are.  We’ll go with Mr Dog’s prediction shall we against the Ironsides?  But to a slight degree the old allotment owner does have a point.  With all those midfielders what happens with Jack comes back?  The Jack / Cesc midfield combination is such a powerful force with beautiful passes being sprayed from all positions to all positions it is an art-work.  In fact I demand an Art Council grant for those two.  In fact Cesc+Jack should win the next Turner Prize.  I shall set up a blog to that effect.  Oh, actually I have.  Well there you are, you never can tell.

But we’ll just have to wait a little longer for that amazing duopoly (eg Shakhter), and rest easy in the knowledge that as my old pal Ian said on the phone last night (after kindly checking that my health was up to speed once again and that Jane and I would possibly make it to the Auld “Right I want all you on the pavement now” Triangle for the Pornographers game) we had something like nine changes between the league game and the league cup game.  And we still put out an awe-inspiring team.

It doesn’t affect the anti-Arsenal though – they’ll complain if Bendtner misses a shot tomorrow, and forget the two fabuloso goals in the last two appearances, and if Theo slips over or misplaces a pass, they’ll forget all the goals.

The big problem for the opposition is they won’t quite know who the goal scorer is they are supposed to mark.  Chamakh?  Nasri? Theo? Cesc? Arshavin?   They will meander around a bit, and then seeing Arshavin looking bored, standing still, admiring the grass, getting up slowly, will think, well he’s not in it.   And three point six seconds later he’ll either score or provide the cross for a goal.

I guess overall what will happen is that we’ll play one team today and another at Shakhtar, which seems fair enough.  And that ladies and gents, is something that neither Man U nor the KGB in Fulham are quite able to do.

Makes me quite proud to be an idiot.

See you at the Triangle maybe.

(Irony = a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion (esp. in contemporary writing)

(There’s always someone who doesn’t quite get it).

40 comments to What a total bloody disaster, fiasco and utter cock-up

  • Aigster

    Yes it’s an awful mess… Sack wenger, get scchhhvvvven in to transform us with nigella lawson as director of football .

    Be patient gooners…. We are close…. Very close.not there yet.. Keep the faith

  • dreddy

    lol.. loved this article. Really now.. how do we really play all these mids and forwards when all is fit.. and who will be on the bench. I don’t even consider Vela anymore because we simply drop asharvin, put Nasri in his place… and when JET gets more games.. (his 2 touches at the last game were beautiful and would’ve led to a goal if Walcott had “chosen” to return the 1-2, ofcourse, that would’ve ruined the walcott show, who likes competition anyways) he’ll be able to play.. well.. ANYWHERE!! Now we have in-form Bendtner, Walcott, Nasri, Rosicky, Wilshere, Song… only out of form player on the entire team is Diaby!! Even Gibbs shows up wonderfully when called upon.. so… we have ourselves a conundrum. Good thing I’m not the manager…

  • Dark Prince

    lol…its better not to get too complacent. We have the potential to destroy every team but often its our own over-confidence that kills us. 2moro’s game too shudn’t be taken lightly, west ham maybe havin a hard time but u can never take them to be easy. I hope Arsenal hav their concentration in place. We cant afford to lose this one.

  • joshua

    This article cracked me up! That will tell all those AKBs out there. What a useless bunch we’ve got at Arsenal these days!! And all because Arsene the miser won’t splash the dosh like the tiny Totts and Leeds United… not forgetting the great Liverpool!! If only we’d spent 21m on Shaun Wright-Philips back when he was the Arsenal bloggers flavour of the month!

    Wouldn’t it be great to be able to pull out all the gems that the know-it-all arsenal bloggers have served up over the years… you know classic gems like “Thierry Henry is no Striker” and “Pires is too cowardly to make it in the Premiership”… all the way to Flapianski stuff that convinced most of BKBs (bloggers know best) that Wenger had lost the plot!

    Thanks for running a sane and witty Arsenal site (even if your hat and scarf scare the bejesus out of me) :-). Thanks a lot.

  • Terence McGovern

    WestHam are in for a really bad day at the office tomorrow and LIVE on Setanta Ireland too.

  • Mick

    Its a pity we can’t run a feeder team like they do in some other countries, it seems almost criminal we have all these great players waiting in the wings unable to get a regular game. Maybe we could loan 14 or 15 of them out to a club like Stoke so their supporters get to see some real football plus at the same time we do the other clubs (and ourselves) a favour by drastically reducing the number of serious injuries suffered as a result of not having Shawcross playing weekly.

  • TheSKAGooner

    Jayzus! I think I got the vapors reading that! Need a lie down now…a cold compress for the head and perhaps a good pint or two to soothe the mind.

  • kunyiblack

    Just had a thot’ if we had this line up i’ll call it Arsenal A

    Sagna Koscielny Vermalean Clichy


    Cesc Denilson

    Nasri RVP Arshavin

    Pitted against Arsenal B consisting of

    Eboue Koscielny Djourou Gibbs


    Diaby[Ramsey] Wilshire

    Theo Chamakh Bendtner
    IF both teams were pitted against each other which team would you fancy!!!!!!!!!!!!!A friend of mine posted this question to me the other day and i was in a conundrum myself. I was leaning slightly towards team A coz of the midfield presence of Cesc and Denilson and then realised Team B has also a decent pairing of Wilshire and Diaby or Rambo. Upfront Team B has pace(Walcott)skill(Chamakh)and power(Bendtner) But my friend made an argument for team A in defense with TV5 and Sqillachi but i counted that with Szchezny Kos and Gibbs is as solid a defense as any. But i did concede in the defensive mid for Team A was better with Song(Experience) than that of Frimpong/Eastmond. After about an hour of arguments and counter arguments i finally realized how lucky Arsenal really are and the selection problems this will portend for monsieur Wenger now and in the future when everyone is fit. And there are other players like vela,Almunia Lansbury, JET and the ever burgeoning academy full of starlets like Afobe,Aneke,Wellington,Nordveit,Sunu just to mention but a few. The abundance of riches at the club is quite astonishing if not mind boggling when everybody is fit. Boy am i happy to be a gunner in the states.

  • kunyiblack

    Slight correction Team A i meant to have a defensive pairing of TV5 and Sqillachi and of course that leaves Team B with Kos and Djourou.

  • Clerkenwell Gooner

    That boy Arshavin has got “admiring the grass” down to an art form – give him the bloody Turner Prize.

    (Also, re: the goalkeeping sitch, according to someone on It’s Up For Grabs, right now the pair of them are apparently Poles apart. Ha ha.)

    Pace Bobby Zamora’s single strike and Rob Green playing out of his skin a couple of seasons ago for our first-ever loss at the new stadium, confidence is high, especially since we’ll be welcoming back Theo and Nik.

  • Adam

    “Oh the irony of letting pornographers into your home called the irons”. Hopefull of a clean sheet?

  • davepain

    these kind of articles make me crease so much! Good work!

  • walter

    I hope Billy gets released from the dungeon before the next game. I really loved it. 🙂

  • Terence McGovern

    It just occurred to me to check out our scoring stats.
    I remember that you couldn’t turn on the news at the start of the season without hearing about how many goals Chelsea were scoring this season etc etc.
    Chelsea PL 25 CL 8 CC 3 Total 36

    Arsenal PL 21 CL 14 CC 7 Total 42

    I suppose it isn’t fashionable to have features promoting our goal-scoring prowess in the way it was for Chelsea even if Arsenal are the top scorers in England across all competitions.

    I think we should add at least another 4 to that tomorrow or should I say today.
    Bring em on!

  • Jonathan

    its great that we are flying under the radar, i think we are not yet ready to feel the pressure

  • andy p

    All you guys know nothing, arshavin is utterly useless. For one, he is 4 ft 2. Secondly he only gets a goal every other game and assists too. You guys know stats can be manipulated. He is less than 6 ft so shouldn’t be an arsenal player. He is a top 10 player in the Castro index for the last 12 months which means he can’t be any good. I swear by my anti arsenal badge that he is actually a spurs player being paid by spurs to make arsenal worse.

    He and arsene wenger should leave. We want a proper English coach to being our team back to greatness. I suggest a real quality coach like southgate or Roy keane to bring back the winning mentality. Being loved by Alan Hansen who if I were female would want to have babies with is the moat intelligent man in modern football. Even though theo walcott has barely started 3 matches and has scored 6 goals, I agree he is crap. Hansen knows these

  • andy p

    All you guys know nothing, arshavin is utterly useless. For one, he is 4 ft 2. Secondly he only gets a goal every other game and assists too. You guys know stats can be manipulated. He is less than 6 ft so shouldn’t be an arsenal player. He is a top 10 player in the Castro index for the last 12 months which means he can’t be any good. I swear by my anti arsenal badge that he is actually a spurs player being paid by spurs to make arsenal worse.

    He and arsene wenger should leave. We want a proper English coach to being our team back to greatness. I suggest a real quality coach like southgate or Roy keane to bring back the winning mentality. Being loved by Alan Hansen who if I were female would want to have babies with is the moat intelligent man in modern football. Even though theo walcott has barely started 3 matches and has scored 6 goals, I agree he is crap. Hansen knows these things.

  • AnonymousGun

    Can we have Cesc and Samir in front of Song please in the middle?

  • nicky

    Re andy p
    You talk a lot of sense. I too would like Roy Keane as Manager. He would sign Shawcross, de Jong and Henry as the midfield, Barton as captain and “Tackler” Scholes as playmaker. We could then sell the Emirates for flats…….. and then share WHL with our chums down the road!

  • Rhys Jaggar


    What is quite clear is that Arsene must do a deal with Mr Murdoch to ensure that 3 stars are week are caught with their pants down with ‘ladies of the night’ so that they must be ‘disciplined’ by sitting out at least 2 games.

    That way Mr Murdoch gets his headlines, Mr Wenger’s selection problems are eased, the boys get royally laid and get a 1 week mid-season break to boot, thus reducing their chance of injury on a football pitch (just as long as they don’t crack a disc falling out of the king size bed with the lady landing on the floor on top!)

    Now if Arsene sold the ‘kiss and make up’ stories to the NOTW, the Sun et al, then the profits would go up by at least £2m a year.

    And this site could start a new section called ‘North London Gigolos’………..

    You think Jonathan Pearce would raise this with Arsene after the game tonight??

  • Rhys Jaggar

    Here’s my selection conundrum for Mr Wenger:

    GK: Fabianski/Szeczeny

    RB: Sagna/Eboue
    RCB: Squillaci/Djourou
    LCB: Wermaelen/Koscielny
    LB: Clichy/Gibbs

    HM1: Song/Denilson
    HM2: Wilshere/Ramsey

    RAM: Walcott/Rosicky
    CAM: Fabregas/Nasri
    LAM: Robin/AA

    CF: Chamakh/Bendtner

    That forgets Almunia, Nordweit, Eastmond, Diaby, Lansbury, JET, Carlos the Mexican.

    As you can see, he either needs to rotate plenty or he needs a few injuries or he needs some regular bouts of paternity absence.

    My take is that he will minimise injuries if he plays no-one more than 40 times, apart possibly from keepers and in a position where there is a long-term injury and little good back-up. After all, wouldn’t YOU

  • Rhys Jaggar

    want that list of players to all play regularly??


    Did you forget to upload Phil’s preview before you went to the game? It is part of my match day read up. Anyway, my preview is 6-0.

  • KGB at Fulham? hahaha. What to do with so many midget midfielders? Some people you mentioned about need to take their tablets regularly to avoid talking trash on here. 3-4 goals and a clean sheet would do me this afternoon. My missus is a new convert to Arsenal. When we are doing well, I’m happier and and much more wonderful in other ways- or so I am told.
    Nice one lads

  • Otariq


    There you go picking a fight with Le Grove again :). I really love this.

  • Honest Bill

    Who exactly are this Anti Arsenal brigade you speak of?

  • slim

    Great win, one question: how the hell did Parker not get even a booking for all his cynical tackles? Walter, you are gonna talk about this in the ref review… I hope?

  • simon bailey

    I had the misfortune of watching the match and the surrounding bits on setanta. Before the match, some slug like fellow was determined to convince us all that chamakh is a cheat and a diver and should get a ban. This was followed by the match commentary. The lad who was describing play wasnt too bad but the other one started slagging us in the first minute and didnt stop till song made him eat his hat. the match was followed by more of slug boy slagging chamakh.

    at least it wasnt a stream.

    Great match, i cant wait to see what motd make of it.

  • Paul C.

    Wow, what a win!!!

    Not the greatest display, but West Ham fought like mad and as usual, Robert Green saved his very best for us.

    ALEX SONG!!!!!!!

    Come on you Gunners!!!

  • Wrenny

    Scott Parker spent the whole game kicking Arsenal ankles, it’s ridiculous he didn’t even get a booking.

    I was thoroughly glad to see him get Cesc’s power shot full in the face, it’s the least he deserved.

  • Bexxy

    Phew! Thought it was going to be one of those days. West Ham fought hard (but fair). This was only to be expected given their plight. What is it with Rob Green and Arsenal!! Hope they go down and we take Rob Green and Scott Parker from them

  • Gf60

    Shades of 2007…bloody hell, I was getting fretful. Not half as fretful as the spuds will be about Nani’s goal. Now there’s one for Walter to write up!

  • Terence McGovern

    Fantastic win but for FFS! The commentator on Setanta was so anti-Arsenal it made wanna puke.
    He kept repeating the pundit’s statement pre-game that Chamakh is a cheat. He gave MOTM to Parker for his attack and defence contribution to the game. Song anyone?
    Nothing any Arsenal player could do was right and WestHam could do no wrong.
    Setanta bastards!

    What a goal! Great Win. Haha ManCity!

    BY the way Walter you might give us a breakdown on what the ref was thinking for the 2nd Man IOU goal. Talk about favourable decision!
    Our own ref was rather poor at first glance.

  • Bexxy

    I for one, hope they stay up. Much rather Stoke, Wolves, Blackburn, Blackpool etc go down. With a bit of luck, we’ll beat them again in the League Cup semi’s 🙂

  • Bexxy

    Terence – was Parker really such a bad shout for MOM? For me, it was Green but Parker was right up there. I’d say MOM was out of Green, Parker and Song

  • Red Gooner

    Fantastic result they kept their heads and fought to the finish. They played great and ground out what was a fine result.
    Nice to see City dropping points as well. Pity blackburn let chelski of the hook.

    Tiny Tots well what did you expect they may enjoy the one Group season in the champions league.

  • walter

    Some talking points about the ref and some players which will come up on sunday. There is no resting day for us poor souls who are working in the Untold towers. 😉 But have to wait for arsenal tv online to review a few things.

    And I will give my view on the MU-Tots goal. Rather amazing.

  • Terence McGovern

    Bexxy I object to a player who spent the match fouling our players and was on the losing side getting MOTM. Song had at least as good a display on all fronts but also scored a vital winning goal.

  • Bexxy

    Terence, my dear man. If only we lived in an ideal world. West Ham would have had the bad day in the office that you predicted. We would have got the 4 (at least) goals that you predicted. Setanta would have seen the match as you did, and we’d all live happily ever after.

  • Sorry this is a late answer, but Phil Gregory got caught up with university work and told me he couldn’t do his usual preview, so Billy the dog stepped in. Then we had to clean Billy up, hose him down, and give him a cup of tea, and out popped this article.

    Phil hopes to be back next weekend – or maybe even midweek if the university allows.