The sad rise of the Fantasy Football Manager
So Brendan Rogers is the latest casualty. After failed attempts to destabilise Arsenal and manoeuvre Wenger closer to the exit door, the FFM get their other man. But who is the FFM?
Saturated TV coverage, Dream Team Competitions and computer games consoles have created a community of Fantasy Football Managers . The FFM is an ‘expert’ who can manage the team better than the incumbent manager and can make accurate predictions of what will happen, after the game has finished.
Tactical nous is a given, the FFM is proficient in all tactical disciplines and will quickly be able to implement changes to counter the opposition managers plans. Pressing can be completed for 90 minutes, in every game, irrespective of the number of games played or recovery periods. The FFM is an expert in fitness and recovery programs.
Signing players is easy. The FFM will simply compile a list of 10 players he requires, based on extensive scouting carried out on Youtube and the latest FIFA game released by EA Sports. The FFM will contact the selling club and negotiate wages with the player. There will be no need to consider rival bids because the FFM will guarantee the signing. There will be no bids of £40m plus £1, all bids will be made at a level that guarantees the signing. Money is not a problem, as there is an endless stream of cash which can be used without recourse.
None of these players will fail, they will all be huge successes, gel with their team mates, settle in a foreign climate and ultimately improve the team and guarantee success.
The FFM does not have to worry about injuries, as he is a sports science specialist. Players will be in tip top shape and Red Zone will be a thing of the past. Red Zone will be replaced by green zone. Injuries caused by bad tackles will be eliminated by training the player on how to prevent tackles from making contact. This would ensure injuries will not affect the balance of the team.
Successfully negotiating the difficulty experienced by large winter coats with long zips, is simply addressed by replacing the zips with Velcro.
There are three types of FFM:
The Amateur FFM:
This FFM has special thumbs designed to manage the manipulation of two large buttons. He will have an excellent command of four letter words and will enjoy sharing these linguistic skills with the like-minded community. He will be active in Dream Team Fantasy Football competitions and will spend most of his spare time exercising his thumbs, in between sharing his Management skills on some blog in between abusing somebody who isn’t as knowledgeable as him. He is likely to be called Aaron or Mason.
The Professional FFM:
This FFM will earn a living as a FFM. He will contribute written and online articles which demonstrate his incredible understanding of the game of football, while making fun of any manager working in the game professionally. He is likely to be called Neil, Henry, Adrian, Martin or Peter and may have a smug appearance and will have very nice hair.
He will be willing to share his opinion that ‘Mesut Ozil is nicking a living’ or that ‘Arsene Wenger is a dinosaur who will never win another PL Title’. He will have access to a team of experts who can use a computer programme to make Managers heads appear as vegetables or attach them to the bodies of other people or objects. This will increase their level of smugness.
The professional FFM believes every football manager not called Jose is a clown and that certain football clubs should be singled out for their expert critical analysis. Wayne Rooney should always be given a mark of 8 out of 10 or higher.
Some FFM’s may also appear on TV or Radio. Those called Adrian are likely to have extremely strong wrists, which come in useful whenever they get over excited about a negative article on Arsenal or during a Daily feature on their radio show.
The pundit FFM
This FFM will almost certainly have played for a football club beginning with the letter L or M. They will have far superior tactical knowledge to any football manager and will prove this with their excellent analysis after the game has finished. They will use special computer software to show what they would have done and demonstrate their superiority.
If they had managed that game, the result would have been totally different. They could very easily manage a team and win the Premier League, FA Cup and Champions league treble but they will have decided to sit in a TV studio because they are so good looking.
They will have a fantastic understanding of the rules of football and believe that taking weapons onto the field of play is a legitimate tactic. After all, being nice wins you nothing. There is a very high likelihood that they are intellectually challenged and have views on football that date back to the dark ages.
After news of Brendan Rogers dismissal, all the Fantasy Football Managers will be in extreme state of excitement. However, none will be happier than the Professional FFM, who knows they have got their second choice man.
- 6 October 2002: Arsenal beat Sunderland 3-1 to make it 7 wins and 2 draws in 9 – and 30 consecutive unbeaten in all – a new Premier League record. It was the last game of the sequence – Arsenal lost the next match.
- 6 October 2012: Olivier Giroud scored first goal in 3-1 away win against WHU. His goal equalised an opening goal from West Ham. He also set up the second goal for Walcott. Santi Cazorla got the third.
- 6 October 2013: The Arsenal History Society presented a 10 year analysis of the first six games of the season.