West Porno United, named after their owners, threw everything at Arsenal in this game, and then some.
We expected rotational fouling – it is what the lesser clubs do, and we got it. We expected the referee (their 12th man) and his linos (13th and 14th) to do their bit in letter it go – and they did.
But with West Porno you always get something else that is that bit more sneaky – and we got it with rotational wrestling – something that they obviously spotted while watching the KGB / Inter game on TV last week.
As a result West Porno committed a staggering 24 fouls – and those were just the ones the ref awarded free kicks for.
Realising that it was not working out the Ref knew he had to do something, so he sent off Vermaelen while watching goal mouth action from the penalty area – you could see him chattring to his lino saying, “I think we can do them for good now,” and the lino vigerously assenting. Other teams might have withered at this moment, but this, of course, is Arsenal. They simply slipped Song back into the back four, saved the penalty, and then took the game to the opposition – including the ref.
In the end even he had to give a penalty for Upson’s silly handball, and we got the victory.
And a few valuable extra bits…
First, Vermaelen’s ban means that he is free from being kicked for a while and will be ok for the Champs League whatnot with Bar Bar Blacksheep – and I wouldn’t want us to face them without him.
Second, the game gave us a much delayed chance to see the Diaby experiment in action – in which Diaby plays centre forward, attacking midfield and defensive midfield at the same time. And for me that display of his was worth the admission money on its own. He was everywhere, all the time, thus proving that the laws of quantum mechanics can operate at the macro and micro levels. (And even if you didn’t understand that bit, and there’s no reason why you should unless you read New Scientist or have a particular interest in the way the sub-atomic world works, you have to admit not many Arsenal blogs can get quantum mechanics into a match review).
Third we learned that Denilson has refound his ability to jink around a lot of rotational fouls – which he lost for a while when getting those back injuries.
Nasri is the worry because he was getting kicked to pieces in this game, but otherwise we seemed ok.
Nicklas Bendtner is apparently about to go to Bayern Munich according to EatSleepMakeitup.com
But not every team has someone as mindlessly viscious as Behrami – I mean I know Stoke do, and Birmingham, and Hull, and.. oh well, yes most teams do, but we are getting better at handling that nasty little skimps and sending them off with a flea in the ear.
So thus it is, and there we go. Top of the league, tiddly pom.
There’s more inspired stuff on Untold Central (which is also the name that tube drivers give to the red line when it goes out of action).
Tony Attwood is the author of Making the Arsenal – the most inspired piece of fiction about Arsenal in the history of the multiverse
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