The spoof of the day series presents a review of some of the websites that present advance news in terms of who is seemingly beyond being spotted at the airport and is even now moving into a new house in Totteridge. Except, maybe they aren’t. Take our first entry for example
1. BREAKING NEWS – €40M ARSENAL TARGET TO HAVE MEDICAL ON MONDAY, PERSONAL TERMS AGREED
“Accoding to reports by high rated Italian journalist, Di Marzio, Arsenal target Geoffrey Kondogbia is set to sign for Inter Milan. This is coming days after news broke that the player has held discussion with Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger. According to reports, Wenger wants the player at the Emirates but if newer reports are anything to go by, it is either the discussion Wenger held with the player did not go well or Arsenal have been priced out.”
So in fact the story might have said “Arsenal fail to get player who they probably weren’t after but some nutter in the Sun once said they were”.
And again, it is bad news, or should that be utterly invented news that had nothing to do with Arsenal in the first place. In fact it is the same story dressed up with a different headline
“Arsenal have lost out on one of their major transfer target Geoffrey Kondogbia. Just few days ago news emerged that Arsenal are trying to sign the high rated AS Monaco star. Some reports even claimed Wenger personally spoke to the player with a view to bringing him to Arsenal.”But this one feeds the web sites own demand that you come back for more.”Arsenal are much more luctrative than Inter Milan and play in a much more better and attractive league than the Serie A. If it is not money that is the problem, could it be that Wenger feels he has a chance of signing someone better than the Frenchman? Maybe Morgan Scheridelin? Maybe William Carlvaho?Only time will time.”
That of course is true, but the writer can’t help a “we can outdo the Daily Mail” twist at the end.
“However, Wenger will be shooting himself on the foot if the transfer window closes and Arsenal still only have Francis Coquelin as the only defensive midfielder at the club – never mind the presence of Arteta and Flamini.”
3. GOOD NEWS! €90,000-a-week MIdfielder FINALLY Cleared To Join Arsenal
Now this looks more interesting, as at least it has the word “Arsenal” in the headline.
“Arsenal are now in pole position to complete the signing of one of Arsene Wenger’s most important summer target. The Gunners can now swoop in for Juventus midfielder Arturo Vidal this summer according to reports in Spain.
“According to popular Spanish media outlet Marca, Arsenal have been cleared to complete the signing of Chilean star Vidal, as contenders for his signature Real Madrid are thought to have pulled out of the race to land the talented midfielder.”
Unfortunately I am not quite sure that the rumour that Real Mad have pulled out is actually the same as Arsenal being “cleared”.
4. ALMOST DONE – ARSENAL COMPLETE £24.1M SIGNING, WILL ANNOYED LOUIS VAN GAALNow this one we have heard before…
“Arsenal are set to complete the signing of Morgan Schneiderlin for £24.1m, according to a Metro reporter. The Southampton midfielder has been linked with the gunners for quite of number of seasons without a deal materializing.”
And we heard it before and before and before that and before that.
5: BID ACCEPTED – £90,000-A-WEEK ATTACKER SET FOR ARSENAL TRANSFER, SET FOR MEDICALS
Now surely this must be the real deal.
“If reports in the Turkish media is anything to go by, then Arsenal has accepted a 4 million bid from Turkish giants for German world cup winner Lukas Podolski who spent last season on loan with Inter Milan.”
Oh well. “Arsenal transfer” now means “transfer out of Arsenal”. And it was part of last season. Not last season.
6: DONE! Breaking News Expert CONFIRMS PERFECT DM Star WILL Join Arsenal
It is done. At last we have a true story.
“Arsenal’s hope of finally securing the services of long-time target have been boosted with fresh claims by The Sun’s Journalist.
“According to the Metro, Arsenal are set to complete the signing of Southampton’s Morgan Schneiderlin.”
7: DONE DEAL: Arsenal COMPLETE SHOCK £120,000-a-week KEY Signing
You are not going to believe this one. And yes, it has only just gone up.
“Arsenal are reportedly on the lookout for top quality players ahead of next season. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is planning a major title push next season and the boss is aware of the need to bring in only the best in the summer to achieve his target.
“Wenger himself confirmed he would sign only “top players” in the summer, and this has seen the club linked to an avalanche of star players in recent weeks. One of such stars is Chelsea’s Petr Cech, who have been massively linked with a move across London, with fresh reports claiming the Gunners have signed the 33-year-old and will hand him a club.
“According to the Metro, the Gunners are prepared to pay Petr Cech £100,000-a-week making him their highest-ever paid goalkeeper.”
One last try…
8: French star has rejected Barcelona for Arsenal!
“According to Foot Mercato, Nantes midfielder Amine Harit has decided to turn down an offer from Barcelona in order to sign for Arsenal. The 18-years old player is a midfielder. Barcelona and Manchester United are also keen to sign him.
“Despite the confirmation by the agent of the player, that Harit will stay with his current club for the next three seasons, it’s believed that he signs a deal with Arsenal in the coming days and will join the youth side of the Gunners.”
So the player’s agent says he will stay with his club, but Foot Mercato which is is a French online rumour mill says he won’t. Quoting them is a bit like me quoting one of the sources above. Which I suppose I just have.
Source: All the stories here come from Goonernews – which I really must stress, apart from the good for a laugh sillyness that is quoted here really does have a wide range of good stuff, including some very good info on how to get tickets for the Arsenal. And where to park, when you do.
Anniversary of the day:24 June 1905: Arsenal’s AGM reported the annual income from the rent of the bars in the Manor Ground as £110 5s 0d.