PGMO reported to the Committee of Public Safety and charged with crimes against football.

by our Anglo-French revolutionary team.

It is part of the cleverness of PGMO that no one – mark this my friends, no one – oversees the body.  It is independent, separate, complete in itself and above all laws.

Now of late there has been some debate to whom the PGMO answers.  Certainly in a sport that is run on the basis of wholesale corruption (one thinks primarily of Fifa but it is of course elsewhere) it takes a lot to raise an eyebrow, but PGMO has managed that.

Even the government of the UK has begun to be a little concerned about the PGMO and following a vote of no confidence in the FA made in Parliament recently, the House of Commons has decided to set up its own internal organisation that will oversee the PGMO and all its activities.

This department will be known as the Committee of Public Safety and in order to learn from the introduction of the VAR system on the continent it has been suggested that a European with some experience of this type of work should be brought in as the head of the committee.  Maximilien Robespierre has been chosen.

M Robespierre, as you may recall, has already spoken out about one of the main attributes of the PGMO when he said, “The secret of freedom lies in educating people, whereas the secret of tyranny is in keeping them ignorant.”  This is indeed a most fundamental and encouraging point and it was one that I carried in my head when I got the opportunity to interview M Robespierre.

I began by pointing out that the fundamentals of the PGMO seemed to be all wrong to most football supporters since it is based on the premise that it is always right, while the players that its members judge, are always wrong.

M Robespierre agreed with me at once, commenting, “Any institution which does not suppose the people good, and the magistrate corruptible, is evil.”

“So if you consider the PGMO and its referees to be oppressors of football and a danger to us all then I take it that you think they should be punished.” I suggested.

“To punish the oppressors of humanity is clemency; to forgive them is cruelty,” the Frenchman told me, “but your club has a Frenchman in charge and so he will understand that.”

“And what of the situation in which M Wenger was charged with questioning the integrity of the referee after a recent match, for which he was removed from the bench for three games?”

“It is with regret that I pronounce the fatal truth: PGMO must die, so that the country may live,” said the inquisitor.  “I know they go around with their funny little diktats and petty little rules saying, “He has until 6pm on Friday to respond,” but this is not how things should be done.

“The inalienable rights of all football supporters is to have laws and rules controlling referees which are fair and just.  Any law that violates the inalienable rights of the football supporter to see a properly refereed game is essentially unjust and tyrannical.  It is not a law at all.  It will be swept away along with those who have made such laws.”

“But do you not feel any pity for the PGMO referees?  Some of them might be quite reasonable men caught up in a grand conspiracy to undermine the fairness and wellbeing of football in England,” I argued.

“Pity is treason,” he replied shortly and I paused for a moment to take this on board.

“So will the PGMO referees be rounded up and tried?” I asked.

He smiled.  “Of course,” he said.  “Is it to be considered unreasonable that the supporters, in atonement for the wrongs of a century, demand the vengeance of a single day?”

“And when they are removed from the position of power forever,” I asked.  “What then?”

“They must die that football may live.”

“But I have heard tell,” I said, “that the PGMO believe they are a force for good, a modernising force, that they are the best referees in the world, and that they get more than 100% of their decisions right in every match.”

The great reformer looked at me and smiled.  “No one,” he said, “likes armed missionaries.  Terror is nothing more than justice.  Prompt, secure and inflexible.  And we need it so that a spirit of fairness shall arise once more in English football.”

“But what of the journalists, and the sniggering commentators on TV, and bloggettaistas.  They are bound to protest at the introduction of fairness and reasonableness on the football pitch.”

“Omelettes are not made without breaking eggs,” he told me looking stern.  “By sealing our work with our own blood, we may see at least the bright dawn, of universal happiness.

“The aim of a revolutionary committee overseeing football refereeing is to lay down the foundation of the new age of football.”

“And what will happen to these members of the PGMO?” I asked.

“When a banker leaps out of a window, jump after him, as that is where the money is.    We must smother the enemies of football or perish with them.  Keep writing your blog.  Lead the people by reason, and fight your enemies with terror.  Softness with the traitors of football will destroy us all.

“Supporters do not judge in the same way as courts of law; they do not hand down sentences, they throw thunderbolts; they do not condemn referees, they drop them back into the void; and this justice is worth just as much as that of the courts.  Death to the PGMO, Death to the bloggettas.”

“Oh,” I said.  “Of course I agree with you, but can’t we just poke fun at them for a while longer?”

But he shook his head, shook my hand and went on his way.

• Widespread rioting as Arsenal prepare for division 1.
• Matchweek 23 – Which team gets which referee the most: and why?
• Arsenal to sign 57 million dollar man and Puritans Offside caught swearing