By Sir Hardly Anyone
“Erling Haaland gives Edu green light for new £58m Arsenal signing after fresh transfer update” according to a headline in Football London.
Now FoLo in their funny way are actually not telling us Arsenal are going to sign Haaland, but we can show that this is a false negative and he is on his way. FoLo quote Haaland as saying, “Dortmund are pressuring me to make a decision now for next season. That probably means I will soon have to get things started.” Then FoLo quote the notoriously inaccurate Spanish “outlet” as FoLo call everyone except the Daily Mirror which owns them, as saying “Pep Guardiola has asked his Manchester City bosses to move and make a significant effort to recruit Haaland.”
All a bit bonkers, given it would take Man C back into conflict with Uefa, and they are unlikely to get away with Uefa beating themselves by being too slow, for a second time. Besides, given FoLo’s previous record, the rumour is undoubtedly wrong, which leaves the door open for Arsenal to sign not Vlahovic as FoLo say but Haaland.
In December 2019, Haaland moved to Borussia Dortmund for around €20 million and became the Bundesliga Player of the Season award and finished as the top scorer of the Champions League.
Now it is widely agreed that Arsenal could do with a new goalscorer and of course Haaland fits the bill, not least because he doesn’t have any of those annoying accents in his name, could talk in his native tongue to Odegaard and being Norwegian speaks better English than any English players we happen to have in the team at the time and so could argue with the hoity toity referees.
What’s more he scores goals. In 2019/20 he played for Red Bull Salzburg and scored 17 goals in 16 games, which makes one wonder why he only played 16 games. Then just to prove it was no fluke since 2020 he has played 56 games for Borussia Dortmund and scored 55 goals – just the sort of going we could do with.
For Norway he hasn’t done quite so well getting 12 goals in 15. Not quite so good, but still, allowances must be made.
Now of course some would argue that Arsenal hardly matches Haaland’s desire to play for a top club, and surely he ought to be going to Barcelona. But Barcelona unfortunately are completely bankrupt, and have to go to their financial backers before they can get a new roll of toilet paper for the board room loo.
Real Madrid, on the other hand, are already way ahead and in order to ensure they stay there they are after M’Bappé.
In France after 21 games PSG are 11 points ahead of Nice but players are getting a little edgy about being there, what with M’Bappé leaving on a free because he got bored winning all the time.
Back in the Premier League Manchester United could be the chosen ones to play in next season’s Europa Conference, following Tottenham’s magnificent run this season which ended with a 3-0 defeat without a ball being touched.
Tottenham Hots themselves would like the player, but the reason the two owners finally met in some exotic island resort or other last week is because the club doesn’t actually have any money, having gone hand in cap (or was it the other way round) asking the Bank of England to bail them out.
Chelsea might want the player although top players are aware that Lukaku has been running his own club within a club and they don’t fancy that.
Which leaves Arsenal and Liverpool. Now Liverpool would be serious competition for Arsenal, were it not for the false positive scandal. A club that cannot even run a series of simple corona virus tests and get a result that can be justified, is one whose medical team does not engage confidence.
Besides the correspondence on Untold in which it was claimed that five false positive results in a run of 20 tests, has failed to come up with any evidence that this is normal, or has even been heard of before. One false positive in 10,000 is pushing it. Ludicrous claims without backup illogical arguments ready to roll is arrogance, and Norwegians don’t like arrogance.
So Liverpool is out on medical grounds, Tottenham on financial grounds, Manchester United on organisational grounds, Manchester City on the grounds that they don’t need him and the foreign rivals have either got it all (Read Mad) or are bust (Barcelona and the Italians).
Thus it is totally obvious. Erling Haaland is ours.
Note: research for this article was carried out by the national centre for making things up, which of course prepares most transfer tales these days.