Arsenal/Totts: the pub bore speaks

Billy “The Dog” McGraw speaks exclusively to Untold Arsenal ahead of the vital match against the Tiny Totts.

I tell you something, we ain’t got a fucking chance, darling.  The defence is so over the place we could let in six.  Just make it a pint Vice-Chancellor.

Call themselves defenders, they spend half their time in the opposition half.  I met that Dennis Bergkamp down the allotment during the week and he said he wouldn’t want to play in front of any of them.

As for that bloody Song, he’s useless.  Everyone says he’s improved but you watch him, and he just hasn’t got a clue.  Mind where you’re treading Prime Minister those are my new trainers.  Stick a whisky chaser in their would you Dean of Humanities?  If you ask me that Song is responsible for global warming.

That’s the trouble with the bleedin’ Emirates.  Built it in the wrong place – got the plans all wrong and put the thing up 200 yards from where it should have been.  Had to pay the council £20 million for a new set of plans.   Full of poncey supporters who’ve never been to a match before, and buy a ticket in the expensive seats without a clue how the game works.   Don’t even know the Amendments to the Rigor Mortis 1998 Offside (Marine Offences) Act.  Talk with plums up their jacksies and think they know it all.   Pint of Guinness if you’re buying doctor.

And that Van Persie they say he’s Dutch, just because he lives in a windmill.  Dutch my arse, he’s as Dutch as Van Basten.  Stick a Van in their name everyone thinks their from the Antilles – he’s as Scotch as a pancake.  Windmills were invented by Dutch painters because the landscape is so flat they just made up something to break up the emptiness when they drew a picture.    Mine’s a double brandy Mahatma, and what we need are four big experienced lads across the back.  Tony Adams, Frank McLintock – didn’t find them running up the pitch like a hare after a can of baked beans on heat.  But look here Deacon, this is a queue, I was here, you were there, so you fucking stay there until I’ve got my vodka, know what I mean?  Well you will if you know what’s good for you.

Look at Arshavin.  Bloody  four feet six tall.  Those Spuds will tramp all over him, and that Wenger will stand there with his arms out doing nothing. Claims he had an unbeaten team – all a myth know what I mean.  Lost six games that year and they doctored the records, but you go back and look at the programmes and you’ll see.  Did a special on Radio 4 the other day with that Lee Dixon spilling the beans.   I tell you I am not going to stand for it.  I’m staying in the bloody pub your highness, and I am not going to bloody move in protest against what’s going on out there.   We had that Steven Hawkins in here the other day…

And that Fran Merida – he’s off to Barcelona – job lot with Fabregas – no loyalty any of them.  Think they are so bleedin clever coming here like czars taking our women, stealing our herbaceous borders, then they fuck off to Spain in Italy.  Good riddance to them I say.  What we need is bloody Geordie Armstrong – good solid London lad.  Him and Jonnie Radford.  Solid working class north London men.  He used to park his car next to mine up in Lordship Lane, know what I mean?  Pint of Carlsberg darling when you’re ready, any time you like, like now would do.

Mind your feet Chief Rabbi, my drinks coming through and any of it spills over you I’ll be looking to you for a replacement toot sweet sunshine.  Now step out of my way so I can see the fucking tele.

What do you mean £200 for a ticket for the game in block 99?  I wouldn’t touch block 99 with a pole full of barges Judge.   Can’t see a bleedin’ thing.  Bring back Highbury that’s what I say.  We should never have moved.  Dixon at full back.  Never saw him pissing about.  Can you imagine Dixon scoring an own goal?

And that Bentley we should never have sold him.  He’s going to play and score that’s what he’ll do, and we’ll be 9-0 down before kick off.  And that referee is as bent as a ten bob note.   Yeah go on clear off down the ground bunch of ponces.  I’m watching it here.  Triple vodka headmaster and make it snappy.  I’ll be back in a minute I’m just going to throw up.

You read that MAKING THE ARSENAL book.  Fuckin’ brilliant that is.  Best bleedin book on bleedin Arsenal the bleedin world has ever bleedin seen.  I bought my copy through www.emiratesstadium.info Worth every brass farthing.  Kid who wrote it is a bleedin genius.   Apparently the money they get from the book helps pay for their blog.  Mind you those bleedin blogs, don’t know what its all about.  They should let me write a column.  I had breakfast down the Spoon the other day with that Jeff Spelling.

(c) Tony Attwood 2009