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The nation goes bonkers but no one can tell the difference

By Sir Hardly Anyone

Never have I seen anything like it.  Not once, not ever!   Upon finishing my nap upon the Saturday afternoon I took what I expected to be a gentle motor across England green and pleasant rolling hills from Imperial Rutland to the megalopolis of Leicester that home of the working man.

But what did I find?  Not a metropolis busying itself with work and productivity but sheer and utter may-hem.  And I don’t mean Theresa of that name.  No!

I mean mayhem on our country lanes and and within Leicester’s mean streets.  Approaching the industrial province while pootling along at the legal limit of 60mph I was overtaken by a vehicle with no exhaust silencer (a legal requirement in both our counties I believe) doing 85 on the wrong side of the road around a blind bend.   Five minutes later, another.   And not a gendarme in sight!

Of course a gendarme in Rutlandshire would have been pretty pointless since within the county the working classes only ride push bikes, the motor being reserved by ancient statue for us aristocrats.  But in contemporary Leicestershire; well you never can tell what might befall.

And when I got to the city it was worse.  Crowds in the streets, drunks meandering on roadways.   It made life very difficult for one to reach one’s destination: to wit an air conditioned rock and roll emporium to the west of the conurbation.  One gent of the city I observed was busy committing mayhem upon his own person – at least as much mayhem as can be committed by a man driving an open topped bus through the city centre at 89mph wearing boxing gloves.  But such is the way in the urban midlands I fear.

Eventually I stopped and asked a passing stranger wearing brightly coloured underpants but little else what on earth was going on.  “Where the effin’ ‘ell ave you been?” replied the fella in a shrill voice which suggested he had just been bitten in the leg by a personal friend, as he tried to commit mayhem upon my person.   Fortunately I gained a blue in boxing at the University of The Rut and was able to put the chap out cold.

But then as others passed by, focused only on a vague attempt to stand upright and travel in a singular direction, I began to realise.  England had won, and law and order had lost.

Then, to my alarm, out from a nearby house came one of those robust girls with the muscles of a welterweight and a laugh like the sound of the cavalry charging over a tin bridge.  I beat a hasty retreat, but as I did so, slowly light began to dawn as the old brain shifted into gear and the scene of carnage and debauchery started to make sense.  There were no policemen anywhere: that was a clue.  There was rioting, fighting, drunkenness and unspeakable events in the street and no coppers on the beat: yes it must be an occasion of official celebration.

The light from the end of the tunnel shone on the scene and was not the express train travelling in the opposite direction.  No! it revealed the big picture and I for once took a good look at it. Then I shifted a bit nearer and took another look. Then I went back to where I had been at first, because it hadn’t seemed quite so bad from there.

And now I got it: In-ger-land had won an association soccer match at the international level and the man in the street was literally, in the street.

Another man approached, with a lady in tow, attached to the rope undoubtedly to help her find the way home.  “Wot you gawping at?” she demanded.

This, I realised, was one of the old school of England supporters.  I studied the gent.  His appearance suggested that for the past 20 or so years he had not let a day pass without his eight pints of rough. He radiated “bitter” as I believe it is called, had bulging eyes and popped, feet set at ten minutes to two, three chins, and a curving waistcoat which preceded him like the advance guard at the recent royal wedding (gawd bless her highness).

I looked at him intently.   “Has Sir Alec Douglas Home been dug up and made Prince of the Realm and Master of Europe?” I asked hopefully.  He looked bemused and I decided to try another tack.

“Are you an England supporter?” I shouted, summoning myself to my full height.   He grunted and I took that for an assent.

And thus I realised.   The nation was in celebration.   The national assembly had won a match of some sort in one of these cross country tourneys they occasionally play.  The police had vacated the sceptred isle, and mayhem was afoot.  Johnson was still at large, the civil war continued, and anarchy ruled.

It was, in short, just another night in Blighty.

I proceed to my dance.  Inside was rock n roll and the usual jolly crowd.  Two nations, one within one without, and no means of communicating between the two.

Is there intelligent life after an international football match involving England?  I doubt it, but then, I am not sure there was much in my part of the kingdom before the match either.

And also…

 

 

14 comments to The nation goes bonkers but no one can tell the difference

  • dan

    Tony, if you hate the work cup so much why not just shut up for a month, would be nice to read something positive fall out of u. I know your world is empty now our saviour Wenger is gone (10years late). You could have had a peaceful month and no incessant whining about England. If you hate England so much I’m sure you can leave and annoy people anywhere else.

  • Maxwell

    I regret to admit that I watched “the match” – mainly in the vain hope that Sweden would win. The one notable moment that I took away from my match experience (Sweden were so execrable I ended up wanting them not to win… either!), was a comment from that philosopher and life-skills coach, Martin Keown. To précis, when the commentator suggested that anyone just tuning in would be shocked by the score, he exclaimed that anyone only now tuning in must have a serious problem, that perhaps they had been reading a book (?), and that they should “GET A LIFE”.

    I don’t think I need to probe this mindset too deeply.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Don’t you worry SHA , I have heard it said from good authority that this year’s WC winner will be from amongst the two countries that have not yet won the trophy . Bet on it !
    And something tells me that Walter’s countrymen will be the ones celebrating at the finish !

  • Samuel Akinsola Adebosin

    The difference is, football who looks to be coming back home again after it last came back home in 1966 from journeying around the world to give excitements, pageantry and celebration to the people of the world has sent the people of England to go bonkers wildly celebrating when England beat the harp less Sweden to reach the semi of the football World Cup fimals after 27 years fruitless attempts to repeat the feast. Has England reaching the semi now put them nearly there but not almost there, but will almost be there if they send the hard fighting Croatians to the 3rd place match fighting for the 3rd place medals? Is England vs France in 2018 football World Cup final match looking to be on the cards? Well, maybe Belgium with their arrays of star players will like ro argue that and vehemently too I suppose.

  • Dan, I think you have failed to grasp part of what this site is about. It is “Untold” – giving a point of view that is not heard through most other media channels. That is a major point of the site, and I am not quite sure how it could be missed.
    So if those of us who write this site were to stop writing then that would be against our fundamental approach – to provide a place where the things that are not said about football in other media can be written and read.
    Perhaps the central question raised by your commentary is why, if you dislike the fundamentals of this site so much, you are still reading it?
    As for being incessant, we have published maybe half a dozen articles pointing out that this competition is run by an organisation with a reputation for corruption, and that taxpayers money in Britain is being spent supporting it. We’ve also published four prediction articles relating to the possible result of matches, and I don’t recall those being particularly negative.
    So 40% positive, 60% negative. Is that incessant? Not how it is defined in my dictionary.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Why are there still people hanging about here who apparently dislike football humour and the cutting edge articles on this blog?

    Seeing that they managed to successfully get the previous manager to leave by their constant griping. Shouldn’t they be celebrating ?

    One should always strive to be happy , even if it means taking their own advice and leaving this blog to the crazies , and go away and annoy others elsewhere to their heart’s content!

  • Jammy

    dan – Or you could always stop coming on this blog for a month and annoy people anywhere else? Honestly, you’re coming on to a blog, out of your own free will mind, and telling the creator of said blog to shut their mouth and move country. It seems to me that the solution is fairly obvious, because I can assure you that your presence will not be missed.

    “would be nice to read something positive fall out of u.”
    “you can leave and annoy people anywhere else.”

    The utter lack of self-awareness from some people is truly something to behold.

  • Andy Mack

    We’ve a ‘workman-like’ team (lacking any real creativity) with a manager (also lacking any real creativity) whose main target was to avoid an embarrassing loss.
    However we’ve played pretty well and been very lucky with the draw which has allowed us to miss both our bogey teams and the best teams, so we’re doing far better than any sane person would expect. Would we have beaten Germany, Argentina or Brazil…or even Mexico or Portugal? Unlikely!
    No doubt we’ll finally play out of our skins in a big game but lose out due to some poor luck, which everyone will moan about but conveniently forget the luck we had with the draw.
    I understand the general contentment of the fans as we haven’t (yet?) been embarrassed by the team for a change, but IMO only someone a substantial alcohol content (or a shortage of brain cells) can expect us to win silverware.

  • Nitram

    Dan

    ‘Would be nice to read something positice fall out of u’

    Being such a advocate of possitivity isn’t it funny how all of Tony’s ‘possitivity’ about Wenger seems to piss you off so much then ?

    Seems you spewing constant negativity about Wenger and Arsenal is ok, but god forbid soneone should be a negative about something you like.

    As you say Jammy, some peoples lack of self awarenes is at times mind boggling.

  • Nitram

    Andy Mack

    Spot on.

    The Nation is in raptures simply because we haven’t embarrased ourselves……yet.

    As you say I understand it to a degree but ffs we’ve played one decent team amnd lost !!

    We just beat the 28th ranked team in the World, and as much as we deserved to they played shite, and yet, AND YET, our keeper was still our man of the match.

    A guy at work today said to me:

    “I’m so pleased with the lads. They’ve been brilliant. If they came home tomorrow we’d all be so proud.”

    Really ?

  • Brickfields Gunners

    ‘ 5 minutes after your birth, they decide your name, nationality, religion and sect, and you spend rest of your life defending something you didn’t even get to choose.’

    At least you get to choose the club and the blog you want to cherish forever!

  • Luscious lisa

    Spare a thought for me hose of us in the vicinity of Magaluf. Whatever is going on in Blighty, it’s worse here

  • U Know Who

    Hey guys, Brick, chuckled as always. Maxwell, yes, MAck, Jammy, Tony, Oh Dan. A spot of projecting and then searching for a method to annoy one’s self. You need to speak to someone about what’s going on internally buddy, or join the man in the waistoat.

    SHA – Well, well, well, I learned 2 words (something which always enthuses me when reading), I laughed regularly, seriously Oakham and such, drove home the substandard living onditions, education, working opportunities, and gneral lack of intellect in Urbanised post rural middle England, it’s just not pretty.

    You have a similar writing style to S J. Parris or Stephy you could say. She as a masculine writing style with a feminine attention to the microcismic interactions etween her characters, I’m quite sure they live quite literally within her and maybe derrived from more tangibe sources. But I really lik her style of writing, which is a compliment. I think the sun got to you, stay in the shade from now on 😉

    11/1 I didn’t put money down, and they are 11/1, and no way England can by pass either France or Belgium, Croatia may just stick it to them.

    International crisis averted, as the Russians are taxed for their earlier efforts, I think Putin will be happy they didn;t embarass themselves and the country, but most importantly him. It’s a shame it’s too late to rescind that presidential order for the immediate despatch of several parcels to both those who missed penalties, clocked the lowest miles per minutes and any staff remotely affiliated to the team. But he will sanction the public execution of the HEad Coach a week after the WC ends, the people needs their entertainment.

    But it’s the biggest collective display of an inferiority complex I have seen, probably ever. You think every time you enter a competition, youshould win it, if their is justice in the world. Every other team outside of the top 5 are rubbish, and seemingly the previous triumphs of any nation place them amongst the contenders and the size of a country (Belgium) means they couldn’t possibly win the thing. And something is up anyway, because they can’t possibly have a team made nearly of 11 World Class players.

    Wow the lady has an eye for players, KDB, on o thr last players, she watched and was ike he’s a class above, I like to be impressed by felames, especially outside of their native skill sphere’s. Belgium are stll playing with the break on, did you see them literally boss the Brazil game for 75m?

    Croatia will be feeling that extra half an hour and the jitters of penalties, but they have managed two progressions on penalties and must fancy their chances if it comes to it again.

    100% Boys Belgium

    Remaining optimistic in spite of a weak draw England

    Likely to become complacent, could result in casualties for many rivals should this one spark up France

    And quietly unasuming, this team isn’t even ready yet Croatia

    2 Teams have playakrs, Modric and De Bruyne, the other 2 don’t/

    Don’t be suprised if Begium and Croatia face off in the final.

    If I here “it’s coming home again”, the year 1966, or see people taking the testy victories of the national team for cue to act racously, blocking streets etc, I will happily take up Dan’s offer to move abroad, maintaining my citizenship, enjoying better weather, higher standards of living and a more flavoursome social atmosphere all hopefuly at a lower cost of living.

    You’re English, you get money, you dont spend a heck of a lot of time in England, do the maths – dan

  • nick

    Im not the most patriotic person ,but i find it hard for anyone who is english and loves football not to get excited about us reaching the semi final of the world cup!!

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