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How Arsene Wenger has got it horribly wrong: the complete debate.

WARNING THIS ARTICLE AND MOST OF THE COMMENTS WHICH FOLLOW IT CONTAIN IRONY. IF YOU DON’T LIKE A LAUGH PLEASE DO NOT READ ON.

1. He doesn’t buy enough players.

Quite clearly we need a new centre forward. Eduardo is done for, Arshavin is too small, Nasri and Rosicky are midfielders not forwards, Vela can’t […]

Portsmouth go bust just before they play The Arsenal.

We’ve been talking a bit about motivating your players and demoralising them in an earlier post.

I then replied with an earlier post that was earlier than this post but not as early as the post I called an earlier post in the last paragraph.

I thought was enough – two posts in one day.

[…]

How to predict every single Arsenal result correctly and cause the end of civilisation at the same time

By Billy the Dog McGraw, Enfield Allotments, Middlesex.

I have rarely seen my old mate Tony Attwood as close to tears as he was when he approached me this morning on the allotment. I was just nattering to that Dennis Bergkamp who grows carrots next to my plot, when Tony rushed up.

“They’re all arguing […]

Portsmouth away: the teams, the details, the result but this time not the score.

Prologue from the Editor: I regret to say that a campaign has been launched by some of the lesser clubs in the league against our revealing the score before the matches happen. They speak of lower crowds than might be expected if the result were not known, and demoralised players who realise they have no […]

Arsenal, Barcelona, Chelsea: a contrast in style

By Walter Broeckx

Arsenal and Barcelona are two names in European football that are mentioned with great respect most of the time in the world of football. By the world of football I do not mean the press, the pundits and so on but in general by people that love the game and that love […]

Arsenal / Villa: the Untold Game

By Walter Broeckx

You could say that the game against Villa started on December 24 at 4pm. It was the moment the president of our fan club phoned me to say that our member that makes the bookings on the Eurostar trains received the message that our booking had been cancelled.

It was a bit […]

Arsenal 9 Villa 2, and a deep and sincere apology

Untold predicted Arsenal 2 Villa 1, and we were wrong. I am really sorry, I apologise unreservedly. I have let you, faithful reader, down. And I have done it at a time of peace and goodwill. It is a terrible lapse. I can’t imagine how we got it oh so wrong. It will never happen […]

What’s the point of going to the Ems when we tell you the score in advance? Arsenal v the Villa

Phil Gregory got the score against Hull absolutely right, following on the overwhelmingly brilliant prediction here for the Liverpool game. Indeed we also got the Burnley match absolutely right apart from the score and the result.

So here we go again with Phil’s preview and prediction. Oh and don’t forget the excitingly stunning advertisement for […]

Billy “the Dog” McGraw reveals what the papers will be saying next week

By Billy the Dog, landlord of the Toppled Bollard, Islington.

I had that Arsene Wenger round here the other night doing his basso profundo with the carol singers. They were collecting money for the Arsenal transfer funds which are somewhere between desperation and zero.

“Ere Arse,” I said, adopting the familiar style that is customary […]

Manchester City and Mancini. A match made in hell.

Yesterday I took a look at Liverpool. Now about Manchester City.

They have joined Leeds United and Chelsea in imposing tough restrictions on who can get near the club – following the revelations about how they sacked Mark Hughes. (Leeds ban papers who report on the legal battles of K Bates, or report on the […]

Are you Leeds United in disguise? The crisis at Liverpool and why Arsenal are different

It has taken me a long time but finally I have found something to like about Rafael Benítez.

When he answered the question about how he rated the ref and said, “the referee was perfect” I really did smile for the first time ever in a Benitez interview.

It reminded me of Stephen Fry’s famous […]

Why its great to be a gooner this Christmas

By Simon Bailey

Ho, Ho, Ho, Merrrry Christmas.

Lest we forget, tis the season to be jolly and all that, and now that the public holiday of enforced jollity and happiness is upon us, i feel compelled to write about why supporting Arsenal is like having christmas every day.

Seeing as how I have no […]

Arsenal this past week: the ref’s perspective

As I sometimes get the remark that we only talk about the ref after a defeat, I will try to change this for once. The reason is 3 games in a week and all three with some debatable decisions. Some went our way, others not.

So let’s go to the game at Anfield. The first […]

Arry charged with tax evasion; Untold predicts the exact score YET AGAIN

Redknapp to be charged with defrauding Revenue and Customs

Untold Arsenal predicts EXACTLY the right score yet again!!!

Oh where to begin?

The is the second Tottenham manager in recent history to have had a little contretemps with the authorities while holding that esteemed office. In 1987 David Pleat was cautioned concerning kerb crawling (the […]

From across the galaxies, the overwhelming Untold Arsenal prediction service…

Editor’s preamble: I am thrilled to announce that Phil Gregory has been found, dusted down, and has provided his pre-match analysis. My match review will (snow willing) be appearing in the Observer on Sunday.

Now Phil’s piece…

Arsenal “welcome” Hull to the Emirates Cup for a clash that has plenty of controversy surrounding it, despite […]

Arsenal enters a time loop, and Hull accuse an Arsenal player of having an offensive wife

Way back before the dawn of the space time continuum I worked as a writer of (among other things) science fiction books of the Doctor Who and Blake’s 7 variety.

So I know all about temporal distortions, reversing the polarity, and “Absolute zero sub-ether technology,” which Avon described as “clever stuff.”

Which is why I […]

Wolverhampton Reserves and Arsenal Reserves – where’s the difference?

By Walter Broeckx

Tuesday evening. Wife not at home. Anything on the TV?

Oh yes they give a game of the EPL this evening. Well I might take a look. So I put on my sporting channel and instead of a game of the EPL I see it’s a game of the BEPL. The Bent […]

A Johnny Foreigner can never be a true Arsenal fan.

By Walter Broeckx

In the comment section of this site a couple of days ago there was a comment from a Gooner from South Africa who was declared not a real fan of The Arsenal because he did not live in England.

I must say that from my own experience I never had some one […]

The famous Untold Arsenal prediction service: Burnley away.

by Phil Gregory

Three points at Anfield. Excellent. Exactly what we needed given the opportunity provided thanks to United and Chelsea’s poor results. The Gunners next trek up Turf Moor to face a Burnley side surpassing all expectations in the Premier League this season.

Recent form:

Arsenal secured their second win on the trot at […]

How to be an Arsenal doom and gloomer in ten easy steps

1. Take individual moments from games and use them as proof for your point. But avoid seeing these in context. So if a player makes a bad pass just before the opposition score, focus on that, blame him for the goal, and ignore anything else he did in the game. Keep the whole argument incredibly […]

How many predictions do I have to get right before you believe?

Here it is – part of the text from last night…

“2-1 to the Arsenal,” said Billy.

“Hat-trick for Theo,” I agreed.

OK I got the goalscorer wrong, but the score was once again correct, and the notion of the own goal was right – although once again I admit I got the side wrong.

[…]

Billy the Dog McGraw denies intimate relationship with Tiger Woods. Exclusive!

In a tearful and emotional statement, Billy The Dog McGraw, landlord of the Toppled Bollard, just off Gillespie Road, today denied that he had had any close or passionate relationship with golf master Tiger Woods.

“It is stupid to suggest I could do such a thing,” said Billy over a pint of vodka. “Do I […]

How to knock the Arsenal: a journalists’ guide

By Walter Broeckx and Tony Attwood

Knocking the Arsenal is an important part of the job of every reporter. To be fair some do back off when we are playing brilliant football and winning stuff (only the Guardian and Observer did snarling cynical pieces about the club in the days after we finished the unbeaten […]

When you are carrying a knock, do you put it in your pocket or hold it in your hand?

So everyone is “carrying knocks” or is downright injured.

I have often wondered about “carrying a knock”. I mean, carrying where? In my pocket? And what, after all, does a knock look like when it is carried?

Is it perhaps a bit like the dark matter that physicists keep talking about every time they try […]

Why so pro-Wenger and why the blind support for project youth?

Thursday 10 December and everyone else is probably talking about last night’s brilliant performance by the under 10s in Greece. So, what with this being UNTOLD ARSENAL and all, I thought I would attack the issue from another angle.

The headline above was a question raised by a writer in our correspondence column, and I […]