Untold Arsenal: Supporting the club, the manager and the team
"I believe the target of anything in life should be to do it so well that it becomes an art." A Wenger
By Walter Broeckx So it’s final now Squillaci was the last player this transfer season to join Arsenal. Now you all can be happy or unhappy about the signing but I will tell you that I am furious. I’ve had enough of it. For years I have been supporting Arsenal and our manager Wenger with …
Read More “Transfers are over and it’s time to say what we are all thinking… “Wenger out!””
by Billy “The Dog” McGraw. As Arsenal prepare to play Bolton, or as they are called locally, Blacheborne (a name which, as I mentioned ahead of the fixture last year, is taken from the Old English name for bleach) Untold Arsenal have had the privilege of an interview with Magnus Samo a notorious northern gangster …
Arsenal welcome The Creature from the Black Lagoon By Billy The Dog McGraw, Landlord of the Toppled Bollard, Islington. At the heart of the matter there are three creatures. Oysten the Greater, Oysten the Lesser, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. All three have a significant part to play in the world of Blackpudlian …
Read More “Billy the Dog’s match preview – Arsenal welcome The Creature from The Black Lagoon.”
By Tony Attwood Star of stage, screen and the members pack Well, if you have received the full Arsenal members’ pack, and put in your DVD (at least the round thing in the pack), and then worked your way through the Ray Parlour stuff, watched the goal of the season countdown, and wondered what next, …
By Billy “The Dog” McGraw “Footballers, like measles, should be caught young”, Sandro Rosell. It was one of the most amazing moments in football that the world has ever seen. Cesc Fábregas, champion of the universe, master of his destiny, prophet to the masses, and player of the year in the Sidereal Daily Mentioner, descended …
Read More “Barca announce the signing of Cesc. Five year contract agreed”
This is overseas week on Untold Arsenal. Walter Broeckx is in Spain covering “Cesc Week” and here is Billy’s piece on tonight’s game in Austria. . Unfortunately transmission lines across the ocean are not what they might be and Walter’s article wasn’t listed yesterday on Goonernews, so if you rely on that august publication, you …
Read More “Rising lake levels and vampires put Arsenal’s friendly in doubt”
By Billy The Dog McGraw, landlord of the Toppled Bollard and Rampager of the Northern Hordes. Continuing the unique and specialised services offered to you by Untold, and having indulged in a bottle of apple and mango juice to celebrate the new season, I present my first column of the 2010/11: to wit and viz, …
Introduction by Billy McGraw… I met Maximillian Alexandra Magenta Cappuccino at Askadors, the infamous nightclub in northern Wembley just off the North Circular Road, where FA officialdom meet their secretaries for debate on attacking manoeuvres, defensive structures, and the thrust of everyday footballing matters. There was something bleak about his looks, rather as if he …
Read More “Billy the Dog McGraw interviews the England manager. Exclusive!”
By Billy the Dog McGraw, the Old Fish Shop, Hereford. Following the amazing revelations on the influential Le Grub web site to the effect that somewhere between 50% and 80% of Arsenal season ticket holders will not be renewing their tickets next year, Untold Arsenal can now exclusively reveal what will happen as a result …
Read More “No one will leave early from the Ems next season – official”
By Walter Broeckx Arsenal Football Club have today released the following statement about Cesc Fabregas:: “Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas is under contract with the Club until the summer of 2015. He is a highly-valued member of the team and part of our future plans. “We have followed recent speculation linking Cesc with a move away …
Read More “Arsenal announcement causes disaster all over he world”
by our special reporters in Switzerland and all over the world: R. Ubbish and E.M.P. Tyhead May 18. The new FA chairman has accused the Belgium FA of helping Holland to bribe refs on the coming World cup to make sure Holland win it. Holland and Belgium are bidding together for the world cup 2018. …
Read More “Business as usual at Fifa’s headquarters as Tottenham bid for the world cup”
The Arsenal Exclusives After the great success of our exclusive interview with Vermaelen the editorial team in the Toppled Bollard public house, Islington, along with our friends at the Potters Bar Lido, have decided to expand this area of our work, introducing a series of discussions with some of the leading characters from the world of …
The Romans built a fort at Wigan. Thus begin all official and unofficial histories of one of England’s least known shanty towns. The problem for Wigan was that having got there the pesky Romans took a look and immediately buggered off, leaving the village to the even peskier Northumbrians. After 800 years they built a …
Read More “Where is Wigan, how do I get there, what’s this pier thing and who is Eddie Waring?”
Exclusive! Alexander Litvinenko was a former officer of the FSB and KGB in Russia who was granted political asylum in the UK. He accused the FSB of terrorist acts within Russia, in order to bring Putin to power. On 1 November 2006, Litvinenko fell ill and died three weeks later, becoming the first confirmed victim …
Read More “Emirates stadium seriously contaminated. Profound health implications revealed”
It’s been months since we talked about players and matches, what with midweek dribble ball and the invasion of the hatchet men last saturday, so here’s a quick run down on this saturdays team, before a quick review of the opposition and their semi-illustrated history. —————- Almunia Sagna Vermaelen Silvestre Clichy (Eboue, Traore) Ramsey, Denilson, …
Read More “Arsenal Burnley: a delightful and insightful fistful of pratfalls”
Rhys Jaggar and Tony Attwood There are fans of a certain age who can remember Ajax being top dogs in Europe. In fact, that was really the first dominant European side I remember as a boy. Cruyff et al. I wasn’t quite old enough to remember the Lisbon Lions or Feyenoord, but both won the …
London police have seized half a tonne of footballing equipment in buildings that they say were being used as a base by the terrorist football separatist group “KGB Fulham” The discovery of the dump, which included shirts, boots, and grass cutting equipment, was made in the early hours of saturday morning. Fake driving licences, cars …
Read More “Police raid Chelsea terror centre, and Arsenal announce surprise team for match”
Today’s game is in the FA Cup, or Facup as it is known in the Latin tongue which still dominates the region where Stoke play. As with all nouns in Latin the word “facup” can be conjugated and it is vital to be able to do this properly if wishing to discourse with the locals …
Read More “Stoke is not in Stoke (and the first ever football blog to try a joke in Latin)”
Special advanced notice: although much of the commentary consists of mindless gibberish there is a bit of serious stuff part way through, which is all true. You have to guess which bit it is. Part the First: The Evil Empire Bolton Wanderers, known as Notlob, make the Evil Empire look like a troupe of ballet …
Read More “How to speak Notlobian and what a man in the Isle of Man has to do with this match”
This is it: the big day. The very big day. The biggest day of biggest days of all biggest days. For today is the day (the exact day, the very exact day, the precise day). And already it has been celebrated by the most extraordinarily bizarre and eccentric radio broadcast about football ever. Which is …
Read More “Laugh? I nearly died. John Aldridge on Liverpool, Jacko Jones on Arsenal.”
By Walter Broeckx The starting line up was Almunia, Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelen, Traore, Denilson, Diaby, Ramsey, Nasri, Arshavin and Eduardo. Bolton kick off and launch a rocket at the Arsenal goal. The ball hits Almunia (who is still waving at the crowd behind his goal) on the back of his head and it goes out …
There were unprecedented scenes tonight at Untold Towers, the rural enclave which houses Untold Arsenal. As editors and copywriters gathered on the 42nd floor and watched in amazement a crowd of over 400 bookmakers, bookies runners and a couple of burger sellers attacked the building with sticks, staves and a centurian tank. At first it …
Read More “Bookmakers attack Untold Towers after we make another perfect Arsenal prediction.”
Warning: contains dead bodies, mild peril, partial nudity, swearing, irony and occasional violence. “West Ham are in dire straits,” said Billy the Dog, as I approached the allotment and offered him a pint of sweet sherry. “That Mark Knoffler has lost it, the new glacier tax is hitting them hard, and their bid to host …
Read More “West Ham v Arsenal. Score, teams, and what happens afterwards”
By Billy the Dog McGraw, Enfield Allotments, Middlesex. I have rarely seen my old mate Tony Attwood as close to tears as he was when he approached me this morning on the allotment. I was just nattering to that Dennis Bergkamp who grows carrots next to my plot, when Tony rushed up. “They’re all arguing …
By Billy the Dog, landlord of the Toppled Bollard, Islington. I had that Arsene Wenger round here the other night doing his basso profundo with the carol singers. They were collecting money for the Arsenal transfer funds which are somewhere between desperation and zero. “Ere Arse,” I said, adopting the familiar style that is customary …
Read More “Billy “the Dog” McGraw reveals what the papers will be saying next week”
